JJ BBoy KS
Mar 30, 2001, 12:50 PM
These are some funny stories that my brother wrote a long time ago.
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Who is BENDYMAN? Bendyman is a noble, honest, and inept superhero. There are rumors (and only rumors, mind you) that my little brother is his alter- ego, but it has not been proven. His superpowers include the ability to stretch and bend himself in nearly any direction, to nearly any length. I met him in 1996 at Walmart. He was quite odd-looking; strong and muscular, but at the same time clumsy and awkward. We didn't talk much there, but he later called me and told me about one of his adventures. I found it quite interesting, so I copied it down and saved it. The calls continued, and I ammassed a small collection of stories. After about six weeks, he quit calling me, and I haven't heard from him since. I don't know what happened to him, but I keep hoping that he will someday call again. I decided to publish the stories he told me in the hope that he will see them and perhaps re-establish contact.
The Story of....
BENDYMAN
Superhero at Large!
One day Bendyman was sitting in his office, trying to disentangle his big toe on his left foot from where his cat had twisted it around the leg of his desk; a normal day in the life of a superhero. Suddenly, he heard a knock at door. Deciding to save time, he picked up the desk and shoved his shoe over the tangled mess that used to be his toe so he could answer the door. "Come in!," he yelled. The door opened, and in walked a lady with a cat sitting on her shoulder, purring. She looked to be between 1 and 100 years old, more or less. "You must help me," she wimpered. "Twenty years ago, I was given a diamond by my grandmother worth about $10,000.27 and 1/2 cents! It is a family heir loom, and I cherish it greatly, but when I woke up this morning it was gone!" Bendyman, with the charm of a superhero and the face to match, (to match a baboon, that is), posed a question: "How do you know how much your grandmother was worth?" "Not my grandmother, the diamond!," the lady half-yelled. "So how does this involve me?," Bendyman whole-yelled back. Fortunately, the lady was very patient, and Bendyman, being a superhero, was very fast, which enabled him to dodge the paperweight that flew at him. "My point is, I want you to get it back!," the lady growled. "Oh," Bendyman smiled. "Where did you last see it?" The lady sat down on the floor in front of Bendyman's desk and put her hands over her face. "The last time I saw it was yesterday night, when I put it into my purse". "Thank you, ma'am," Bendyman said, "I believe that will be enough. Good day." The lady walked over to the door, opened it, and had begun to exit when she paused, turned around, and said, "Please find it, Sir. It's the most expensive thing I have!" After she had closed the door behind her, Bendyman whispered "Wait until you get my bill". Bendyman looked out his office window. He was twenty stories above the ground below. When he was young, his mother had told him never to lean out of windows, because he might fall. As he fell out the window, he began to wish he had listened to her. The pavement was coming toward him at an astonishing rate, but just before he became a pancake, his fall was stopped! Curious as to the reason for this interruption of freefall, he looked up, and noticed that his left foot had caught on the window sill. "Ah," he said to himself, "The joy of being made of rubber". Upon saying this, he freed his foot and fell the remaining two feet face-first on the cement. Bendyman picked himself up and looked around, hoping to see the lady's diamond. Instead, he saw his arch-enemy, Feline-Girl, angrily hissing and glaring at him. In her hand was a diamond the size of a golf ball, refracting and reflecting light beams all around. Bendyman smiled a heroic smile, reached his hand out toward Feline-Girl, and said, "All right, you dirty cat, give me that diamond!". Feline-Girl growled, pulling the beautiful piece of compressed coal toward herself. Seeing her resistence, our hero sprang into action. He stretched out his arm, grabbed the diamond from her, and ran back into the apartment building in which his office was. When he got to the elevator, it opened and he saw his other arch-enemy, The Ostrich! "Going somewere, are we?," the Ostrich smiled. "Get out of my way, Ostrich!," Bendyman forcefully murmered, in a way only superheros can do, "I'm taking this diamond back to its rightful owner!" With this, he pushed the close button on the elevator, ran to the stairway, ran up the 200 flights of stairs, ran to his office door, reached into his pocket, pulled out his keychain, tried to unlock the door with his car keys, opened the door that was never locked in the first place, sat down in his office chair, and shut the door with his foot. Suddenly, their was a knock at the door. Bendyman, too tired to yell "come in!," walked over and opened the door. The lady came in, with her cat on her shoulder as usual, and sat down on the floor. Bendyman, being the gentleman he was, offered her a more comfortable place on the floor and sat down in his chair. Before he could say anything, the lady smiled and said, "Thank you for looking for my diamond. I found it in my purse, right where I left it!". Suddenly their was a knock at the door. Before Bendyman could yell "Come in!," the door opened and in walked a policeman. "I'm here to arrest you for theft of a diamond from a Miss Feline-Girl," he said, and snapped cuffs around Bendyman's wrists. And so ended another day in the life of....Bendyman, Superhero at Large.
Another life in the day of BENDYMAN
It was a cool and rainy February 31 when Bendyman woke up. The hands on his digital alarm clock said it was 4:28 in the morning. A loud ringing filled the room. "What's goin on?," our hero mused. "I thought I set my alarm for 4:29!" He then noticed the ringing was coming from his phone. He reached into the kitchen and picked it up. "Hello? Bendyman?," a frantic voice greeted him. "You know, you do a great impression of the chief of police! Who is this?," Bendyman asked. "The Chief of Police," the voice said. "The Mayor of our lovely little town has been kid-napped." "Ha!," Bendyman sneered, "That's impossible! He's 34 years old!" The chief coughed. "Uhh..yeah. Listen carefully, Bendyman. I'm the only one who knows where they're keeping him. I can't let anyone hear where it is or reporters will jam the place. Go south to-" Bendyman hung up. "That was close! He almost let me hear his secret! Now...where should I start looking.." Bendyman took off his bunny pajamas and put on his superhero costume. Suddenly a ringing filled the room. Bendyman picked up the phone. This time it was his alarm. Before he could pull out his official Daisy BB gun to shut it off, lightning crashed, and it went off by itself. So did the lights, and the phone in his hand. "Rats, and my favorite MCI salesperson was supposed to call this morning," Bendyman whined. After brushing his hair, combing his teeth, and eating a light breadfast (holes from Swiss Cheese and dehydrated water), he set fifth. (He had already set forth the day before.) Bendyman exited his apartment and stepped out onto the curb. The first cab driver he gestured to drove by, splashing water on him. "Oops, wrong signal," Bendyman said, and stuck out his thumb. The next one picked him up. "Take me to the bad guy!," Bendyman commanded. The cab driver dropped him off at large cave. "Not bat guy, BAD guy! For this I'm gonna cut your tip in half!" The cab driver proceeded to set his meter 20 miles ahead, and drive Bendyman to an abandoned (ha-ha) warehouse. After mortgaging the apartment he was renting, Bendyman paid the cabbie and walked toward the warehouse. The rain was still pouring down as he opened the door, creating a long, ectoplas- mic creak. The building was dark...just like the rest of the town. Like only he can, Bendyman slipped into the building. His opponent apparently knew of his inobservativity, and had taken advantage of it by leaving a patch of oil in the doorway. "So, Bendyman...You have arrived. I thought you would. But, as you can see, I am reddy." Bendyman looked around, wondering where the voice was coming from. "Don't you mean ready?," he said. "Yellowy," the voice replied. "What?," Bendyman yelled. "GREENY!," the voice screamed, and where there had been darkness, there was light. Lights, actually. Headlights. A stock car raced at him, engine spitting flame. "Zero to flat 60 in 10 seconds," the voice said. Just as Bendyman was going to make a crack about "10 seconds flat, not flat 60," he notice the cement roller attached to the back of the car. By then it was too late to react, and Bendyman would no longer have to worry about bumping his head when he got into his VW Bug. But to the surprise of the to-be-revealed bad guy, the flat Bendyman grew taller and thinner until he had resumed his previous form. "Very clever, Bendyman, but see if you can escape my next trap," the voice said. Bendyman had had had had had enough, and he said so. "Alright, Voice. Enough traps! Reveal yourself!" A flashlight clicked on, and in the center of the warehouse sat the mayor, tied up and surrounded by traffic cones. Before Bendyman could take a step toward him, the beam was turned onto the face of....The Voice. "Why did you steal the mayor of our lovely little town?," Bendyman forcefully queried. The body belonging to the voice stepped closer, and pulled out a gun. "That, SuperSaint, is immaterial. You are soon going to be a holey supersaint." Bendyman, with his heroic glare, replied "Over my dead body." "I don't think you understand, Bendyman. I'm gonna kill you". "I'd rather DIE!," Bendyman shot back. As the Voice pulled the trigger, things started happening in s l o w m o t i o n . The bullets left the gun and shot straight at Bendyman! Then they hit Bendyman! Then they came out the back of Bendyman! Then the holes in Bendyman closed themselves up! "You punk!," the voice said, "How the coffee grounds am I supposed to murder you?" "I don't honestly know. I've never been killed before," Bendyman replied. In an act of desparation, the Voice fainted. "Well, mayor, looks like I saved the day again," Bendyman smiled. "What do you mean again?," the Mayor asked. "Last time, you got arrested." Bendyman turned red. "Yeah, but I'm just a beginner. I have lots of save-the-days left in me." "Well, I guess I owe you a reward for saving my life, or whatever you did. What do you want?," the mayor grunted. "The satisfaction of a job well done, the humble knowledge of a day well spent, and for everyone in the world to know how great I am," Bendyman requested. The mayor smiled, and said "I think I can handle that. I have a friend who is a reporter for the Enquirer.. . . . ." And that was that. (What else would it be?)
BENDYMAN Weakly, Issue -5 (5/22/96) "Never eat chocolate while chewing gum"
As our story commences, we find our hero Bendyman stuck in traffic on a warm January 25. The engine in his VW Bug, which made people turn up their stereos, irreverently spit carbon dioxide as the sun beat down. Cars were lined up behind and in front of him, hundreds upon hundreds, more or less. In a surprising crackle, his CB radio kicked on, and had he not run out of gas at the same time, killing his engine, he never would have heard it. "Breaker, Breaker, I'm feeling broken!," the radio hacked. Grabbing his microphone, Bendyman replied, "Whatup, this is yo Homey Hero, Yo friendy Bendy backatcha!" "What?," said his unseen acquaintance. "Uh, This is Bendyman," said Bendyman. The radio faded out, then came back, "Your just the uh...person I wanted to talk to! I need help! I'm a mailman, and-" "Wait," Bendyman broke in, "Maleman? Isn't that redundant? I can't stand redundancies that say the same thing twice." The voice paused, then came back, "Sorry. I deliver letters to people, and I need your help. There is a criminal who is beating up mailm.. letter deliverers, and stealing their cargo. Snow and hail I can handle, but this is too much!" "Ten-four is 14, and Bendyman is on the way!," our hero grinned. His grin faded when he saw the traffic around him, as unmoving as a junk yard. An inspiration abruptly struck Bendyman, and he swiftly pulled out his in-line skates and protective gear. With a final flourish, he stuck a police light onto his official Barbie helmet, and climbed out his sunroof. Against the protests of the passengers, Bendyman skated across the trunks, rooves, and hoods of the parked cars, jumping the bumper gaps. It worked great until he hit the convertible.
Bendyman woke up an hour later, covered head to toe with car footprints. "Aw, man, it's gonna take me a while to bend this outta my skin," Bendyman whined, as he started the long trek back to his home. The stairs up to his apartment weren't as long and hard as the stares he got from the other people in the building. The comments they offered did not serve to brighten his day, either, such as, "Wanna Tic-Tac, Exhaust Breath?," and, "It's seeing people like you that makes being blind look appealing." Bendyman finally reached his door and entered, thinking of the nice shower he would take. The rush of water as he opened the door and the flat look his waterbed had to it reminded him that he had forgotten to shut his pet porcupine's cage door. "Well," our heroic hero said, "I guess maybe I'll take a bath". After changing his clothes and ordering a gross of sponges, Bendyman tried to decide what his next move should be. "Let's see," said Bendyman, "What should my next move be? I know! I'll get a job as a postman and trap the letter-person beater upper." Following up on his idea, Bendyman, after retrieving his squatomobile from the police, drove to the post office. They hired him immediately, mainly because of the sudden increase in mailman resignations presented to them lately. Bendyman was given a uniform, a truck, a mailbag, and a mailbox key-ring. Fortunately for our story, the Villain did not wait long to strike. Before Bendyman could reach his truck, he was struck from behind and the mail was taken from him. As the crinimal tried to escape, Bendyman was able to grab onto his bumper. "Oh, boogers," said Bendyman, "This is gonna be a long ride." It was not, because the Villain only lived a block away. Bendyman watched him unload several bags of mail and walk into a large house, then followed stealthily. As he stealthed through the doorway, he couldn't help but notice the numorous stacks of mail around him. The strange thing about the letters were that none of them had stamps left. "Hello, mudstuffin," said a buff-looking man who had stepped out from behind one of the piles. "Are you lookin for me?" "No," Bendyman said, "Not anymore. Did you steal all these letters?" "No. I'm borrowing them for my sick grandmother," the all-mail thief said. "Oh. Sorry," said Bendyman. "Wait, Bendyman. I was being sarcastic," the evil thief villain said. "I steal the mail because I am addicted to the stamp glue. Did you notice that the stamps were all missing from the letters? That's because I peeled them all and licked the glue off. It's like steroids with no side affects. And now you will leave." "No," Bendyman said, "I don't think so. I stand for justice and the good of the people, and I am going to leave with you in cuffs." The bad guy turned and started to walk away, talking to himself. "Let's see...to get gum outta your hair, you use peanut butter. Maybe it will work on him.." "I heard that!," Bendyman interrupted. Bad Mr. Buff slowly smiled, then replied, "Look up and live, you flimsy freak; Not!" Bendyman looked up to see a hot tub full of peanut butter emptying directly above him! "I hope it's not crunchy" was his last statement before he was buried (alive?) in George Washington Carver's brainchild.
bb continued next week.
BENDYMAN Weakly, Issue -4 (5/29/96) "But a loaf of bread can make a man sin"
We last left our hero struggling in a messy glob of peanut butter, were he had been trapped by the evil stamp glue-addict. Bendyman flailed and coughed, trying to get out of the brown sandwich filler. He was about to give up hope, when, for no apparent reason, a flock of migrating seagulls flew through the living room. The seagulls, nature's black holes, all took mouthfulls of the peanut butter as they flew by, and by the end of the flying V, Bendyman was no longer covered in grape jelly's significant other. In fact, he was looking his usual self again, grim, green, and glorious. Mr. Stamp-addict, meanwhile, had walked into the back of the house, not suspecting our hero's fowl play. He was surprised when Bendyman interrupted his licking of stamps, but he recovered quickly. "So, Mr. Superhero Sort-of, you evaded my delicious trap. I suppose you are still going to try to take me to jail." Bendyman stared the big guy right between the eyes, and said, "You better believe it!" The criminal slowly got out of his chair and dropped his stamps. "Well, that's unfortunate. I guess I'll have to tear you apart. Would you like me to rip you right to left or top to bottom?" Without waiting for an answer, he grabbed Bendyman's neck and lifted him three feet up in the air. Bendyman's feet, however, stayed right where they were. The floor was sticky with all the stamp glue floating around, and Bendyman stretched. The bad guy proceeded to climb up onto the table, extending Bendyman even more. Just when Bendyman was starting to get tired of this little endeavor, a strange look came into the eyes of the man holding his neck. "I...I...I have to go!," the bad guy said. "Where?" Bendyman replied. "I don't know..where do you think I should go?," said the suddenly confused bad guy. "Well," Bendyman said, "Why don't you go to the police station and turn yourself in?" "Uh..Ok," the bad guy said, and ran out the door. Bendyman chuckled. "I guess licking stamp glue has side affects after all. I would call it a sudden compulsion to go somewhere." With that, he walked into the living room. To his surprise, a lady stood next to a chair with a cat in it. Even more to his surprise, she sat down on the cat. Of course, she stood back up immediately with a shriek. "Hi, what are you doing here?," Bendyman asked. "I've come to talk to you," the woman exhaled. "Congratulations. Remember when you entered the "Day at the Bakery" sweepstakes? You won. You get to run the store for a day." Bendyman couldn't believe his ears. "You mean it? I get to.. I won.. I.. Wow!" "You can start right now if you want," the woman said. "The store is at 321 Baker street." "Cool," Bendyman said, and walked out the door. He arrived at the bakery a few minutes later, dressed like the Pillsbury Doughboy, only with pants on. The owner gave him a few instructions. "Talk to strangers and accept money from them." "Huh," Bendyman thought to himself, "That's just what my mother always told me to do." The owner then left, and our hero was officially in charge of the store. His first customer was the owner of the local bank, Mr. John Banker. "Hi, Mr. Banker!," Bendyman cheerfully greeted him, "How are you?" "Fifty-five, and I'm gonna be fifty-six this July," Mr. Banker replied. "Listen, I'm really hungry. I have been fasting for two days, and I'm totally voracious. I'll take this loaf of bread" "That'll be twenty-five cents," Bendyman replied. Mr. Banker reached for his wallet, then stopped. "Aw, pickles," Mr. Banker swore. "I forgot my wallet. Listen, I'll just take this and pay you later." "Umm..I'm sorry, Mr. Banker, I can't let you do that," Bendyman said. "I'd let you talk to Mr. Baker, but he isn't here today." Mr. Banker thought for a second, then said "Hey, isn't that Halley's Comet?" Bendyman smiled. "Mr. Banker...Do you think I'm stupid? This is a bakery. We don't carry cleansers!" "No!," John Banker said, "Halley's Comet!" Bendyman looked, but didn't see anything. When he return his scope of vision to the store, the banker was gone, and so was the bread. Bendyman ran out the door after him only to see good ol' Mr. Banker, small town friend and banker for thirty-whatchmawhozit years, steal our hero's VW Bug! "Where'd he learn how to hotwire a car?," Bendyman asked. "And where are my keys?" Bendyman watched Mr. Banker drive in a straight line until he was out of sight. "I think I know a shortcut to where he's going!," said Bendyman. As our hero stepped back into the bakery, he heard a fast breaking news bulliten. "We have here what seems to be a robbery," the newscaster said in broken English. "The bank has been emptied of all it's cash...by John Banker himself!"
bb continued next week.
BENDYMAN Weakly, Issue -3 (5/5/96) "Ya gotta want it"
After discovering the "good ol" banker had flipped off and gone completely berserk over a loaf of bread, Bendyman knew he was the man for the job. He had to simply examine the situation and come up with a solution. "Let's see," said Bendyman, "He stole my car. That could be a problem." Bendyman thought for a second, then thought for a second second. "I know!," said Bendyman, and started to exit the bakery. To his surprise, the door opened by itself, hitting our hero's majestic little face. "Sorry," said Mr. Baker as he walked in. "No prob, Bob," Bendyman said. "I always thought my nose was too big." A concerned look came over Mr. Baker's face. "Hey, did you hear about Mr. Banker ripping off his own bank? I had a lot of money in there!" "So did I!," our hero gasped. "I had a good little goose egg invested in that money-storage facility!" "I believe you mean nest egg," said the baker. "Yeah, I had one of those too," Bendyman said. "The important thing now is to find that dirty booger and get the money back for all the nice people in this town." A look of pain crossed the flattened face of our cartiliginous crimefighter. "Ouch. I think I got an idea," he said. "I have a tracer on my car. The small item in back left pocket should tell me where it is!" "You don't have any pockets," Mr. Baker said. "Whoops," Bendyman replied, "I had one when I left. Maybe I dropped it." Their conversation was interrupted by a chaotic sound outside the bakery. Through the window, they saw a teeming mob of citizens who were communicating grim opinions of the current situation. Bendyman, with a smooth twist, opened the door and stepped outside. "Don't worry, fellas. Everything is chillin'. I'm going to get your money back." Instead of the grateful cheering he expected, he was rudely rejected by groans and boos. Bendyman, who wasn't in it for the love, proceeded to walk in the direction he had seen the banker drive his Bug. As if bad vocal vibes weren't enough, the crowd began to laugh and hurl things at him. Our hero accelerated his pace until he was more than a stone's throw away from the ingrates. Bendyman, still running away, looked back over his shoulder and stuck his tongue out at his fan club, but drew it back in after it got caught on his shoelace. "Gee," he said, "I guess I don't know my own length." All this looking backwards caught up with him, however, when he fell through the man..uh..personhole. Bendyman landed with a thud, which, though more painful, wasn't as bad as a splash. "Geez," Bendyman said, "What's that smell? It reminds me of....Pizza!" Without warning, four round shadowy figures stepped toward our sub-pavement hero. "Hey! Who are you?," the tallest one asked. "Bendyman!," said Bendyman. "Now answer my question." "You didn't ask us anything," the leader said. "And before you do, consider this: we are the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles!" "Oh. is that a singing group?," Bendyman asked. A look passed among the four strangers, and before our hero could react, they threw him back up toward the the top of the sewer. Bendyman stared at the upcoming ceiling, hoping it was soft. He broke through it, but it wasn't soft. "Well," he said, "At least I'm out" Our hero did a forward flip and, with catlike ability, landed on his backside. As he stood up, he noticed his VW Bug parked outside a butcher shop. "Aha!," he said, "I would call that a clue!" Bendyman ran into the building. The first thing he noticed was the owner, Mr. Butcher, tied to a chair and gagged. "Don't worry, it's all good. I'm here to save you," Bendyman said, and charged through the door marked "Meat Locker". "Rats," he said, "I guess I shoulda opened it first." Behind the rows of frozen carcasses, Bendyman saw Mr. Banker sitting on the floor with piles of money all around him. Our sub-zero hero slowly walked toward him until he was interrupted by the ex-banker. "I see you back there, Bendyman. How do you like my cold cash?," he said, and laughed maniacally. "You know," said Bendyman, "There are two things I can't stand. One of them is a thief, and so is the other one." With that, he began to walk toward Mr. Banker. "I wouldn't come much closer than that," Mr. Banker said, and quickly began to stuff the money into a suitcase. "I have a question for you. How does it feel to have the temperature be the same as your IQ?" Bendyman stepped closer. "Are you dumb or are you just stupid?," the banker asked, and picked up the now full suitcase. Without answering, Bendyman continued to advance. "Well," Mr. Banker said, "I can see that you aren't going to give up. You won't get the money from me, but people are certainly going to be eating some rich hamburgers for a while." "Wait!," Bendyman said, and leaped at the banker, but not in time to stop him from throwing the suitcase into the air. Bendyman watched, unable to move, as it flew toward the open mouth of the meat grinder!
bb continued next week.
BENDYMAN Weakly, Issue -2 (5/5/96) "Ya still gotta want it."
Bendyman watched, unable to move, as the suitcase containing the finances of the entire town flew toward the open mouth of the meat grinder! While Mr. Banker and Bendyman were fighting, Mr. Butcher, though he was tied to a chair, had somehow managed to scritch his way over to the meat locker door. He saw the mad banker throw the money, and with intense determination, lunged forward. Bendyman heard him yell, "Dominoes!" just before his face hit the floor. "Well," Bendyman thought, "I am kinda hungry. But wait!" With that, he pushed the naked carcass hanging in front of him as hard as he could. They all watched as it swung forward, hitting another frozen dinner-to-be. The motion was carried to the end of the line until the last carcass was pushed out, hitting the suitcase and knocking it away from a looked to be a certain economic grind. Our hero speedily sped over and picked up the suitcase. If the look Mr. Banker gave our glorious and victorious hero was translated into words, I wouldn't write them in this story. Without a goodbye or farewell, the bad boy of banking turned and ran for the door. Bendyman chased him, but tripped over the tied-up butcher, who was still lying in the door. The butcher grunted. "Don't worry, I'll catch him," Bendyman said, and raced out onto the street. Mr. Banker was gone. "Aw, roadkill!" Bendyman said. "I guess I'll go give this dough back to the head bro at the bank". On the way back, our hero drove past his fan club again. When they saw him, they began to yell and throw things, just like the last time. Bendyman boldly stepped out of his VW Bug and held up the suitcase. "Look, you ingrates. I got your money back." The crowd stopped for a second, staring in awe at their recovered finincial future. "Well? What do you say now?" Bendyman smiled. Without hesitation, they all continued to stare. Bendyman sighed, ran back to his Bug, and tried to make a Dukes of Hazzard entry. Unfortunately, his window wasn't unrolled, and he bounced off it. The crowd found his antics to be hilarious, and when Bendyman finally opened the door and reentered his car, he swore he would never do anything stupid again. His resolution didn't last long, however, because it was after he reached the bank that he remembered it was closed on Saturdays. Bendyman sighed and drove back to his apartment. Unknown to him, a dark figure watched him take the suitcase up the stairs to his room, then whispered into a small 2-way radio. "Mr. Banker? This is Feline-Girl. He's in his apartment. I'm commencing the plan." Feline-Girl, who had never forgiven our hero for the diamond misunderstanding, walked up to his door and knocked. Bendyman was so surprised to see a beautiful lady at his door, he didn't even notice that she looked like a bad guy out of costume. "Uhh..I think you have the wrong place," Bendyman said. "Not if you are Bendyman," she said. "I was looking for a handsome superhero, and I think I've found one. Can I come in?" "Sure!," our red-faced hero said, and stepped out of her way. Feline-Girl walked into the living room, pushed a dirty pile of Bendyman's costumes off his couch, and sat down. "Nice living room," she said. "Thanks!," Bendyman said. "I rented it myself!" Bendyman pushed a stack of coloring books off of a chair and sat down across from her. "What am I thinking?," he thought, and stood back up. "Can I offer you something to munch on?," he asked her. "How about some toenails? I grew them myself." Feline-Girl tried not to show her disgust. "No thanks, I'm on a diet." Bendyman sat back down. "If you don't mind my asking, why did you come here?," he tactfully queried. Feline-Girl thought of the money, then sat back and smiled. "Because I like you. I wanted to ask you to go to a movie with me." "You're sure you're looking for B-E-N-D-Y man Bendyman?," our disbelieving hero repeated. "That's the one," she reassured him. "Now which movie would you like to watch? I hear Operation:Missable with that Cruise guy is pretty exciting." "I'd have to call my mom and make sure it's okay, but other than that, yeah!," said Bendyman. After his mother enthusiastically gave her permission, the two got into Feline-Girl's car and drove onto a side-road leading out into the country. "Wait a minute!," said Bendyman distrustfully, "Wait one elephant-herding minute! Operation:Missable doesn't start until 2:30 P.M. That's forty minutes from now!" Feline-Girl grinned at him, showing a perfect smile with a little bit of tuna fish stuck between her front teeth. "I thought we should get their a little early so we could find some good seats." They drove on for another ten minutes until they came to a cliff which could have been the Grand Canyon's older brother. Feline-Girl got out of the car, and Bendyman followed suit. "I can't believe these parking lots.," he said. "They make 'em so far away from the theatres. It's a good thing we left early." Feline-Girl smiled, and said, "Turn around, Bendy". Bendyman did, and just about dropped his jaw. "Remember me?," Mr. Banker said. "I think you should turn around, Bendy". Again, our hero swiveled, and nearly fainted. Instead of his pretty new friend, there stood his pretty old enemy. "I think you should turn around one more time, Bendy," she said. "Oh, no," Bendyman said, "It's been worse every time I've turned around today. And besides that, I'm getting dizzy." Mr. Banker walked past Bendyman to stand next to Feline- Girl. "Take a few steps back, Bendyman," he said. Bendyman did, and looked over his shoulder. He was right on the edge of a long, bungie-less fall. "Now," Mr. Banker said. "Where is my money?" Bendyman folded his arms and glared at the evil pair. "I'm sorry to break this to you, but I'm not even going to tell". Feline-Girl smiled and pulled a small bird out of her pocket. "Gasp!," Bendyman gasped. "Where did you get my canary?" Feline-Girl smiled even wider. "I took it out of the cage when you were getting the toenails." "Toenails?," Mr. Banker asked. Bendyman narrowed his gaze. "I'm sorry to do this to you, but you asked for it. Polly! Attack!" The canary bit Feline- Girl, who immediately let go. Mr. Banker and Bendyman watched as Feline-Girl chased the bird around the car, over some rocks, and under a limb that was a little bit lower that it looked. Feline-Girl hit her head and collapsed. "Polly! Home!," Bendyman yelled. Mr. Banker was more angry than he had ever been in his entire mediocre life. "I'll kill you!," he said, and charged at Bendyman, who sidestepped. Mr. Banker couldn't stop in time, and was only stopped from falling by catching a jutting rock. "Grab my hand!," Bendyman said. The Jekyl-turned-Hyde banker stared up at Bendyman, and defiantly said, "No." Before Bendyman could grab him, he let go.
bb continued next week.
BENDYMAN Weakly, Issue -1 (5/12/96) ""
Last week, we left Bendyman at the tallest cliff in the entire world. It was so high, they say, that looking over the edge could cure nearsighhtedness. Unfortunately, this was the same cliff that Mr. Banker had just fallen off. Bendyman knew what he had to do. He quickly tied his shoelaces onto the bumper of Feline-Girl's car and jumped after Mr. Banker. Bendyman fell quickly, but Mr. Banker had a long head start. Our hero's legs stretched more and more as dropped farther and farther down the cliff. "Ooh!" Bendyman said, "I think I pulled something." He finally caught up with Mr. Banker, and reached out his hand. "Come on, I'm giving you a second chance," Bendyman said. Mr. Banker refused to cooperate, and tried to fall faster. Bendyman could see the ground now, and though it was far away, the two cliff divers were now travelling at an extremely dangerous rate and still accelerating. Our hero reached into his pocket, pulled out a dollar bill, and held it out toward Mr. Banker. When he tried to grab it, Bendyman latched onto his arm. "Let me go, and give me that money!," Mr. Banker said. "I'd rather be eaten alive by Martians from Venus until I died," Bendyman replied. Their descent slowed as Bendyman's legs came closer to their stretching limit. "We're safe now," Bendyman said. With a sudden ripping sound, one of his industrial-strength guaranteed-for-life never- break shoelaces snapped. "What was that?," Mr. Banker said. "That was my weaker shoelace," Bendyman said. "But don't worry. The other one is so unbelievably strong, only Samson could break it, and I don't think he is going to." Just as he said that, his Samson-proof shoelace came untied. Bendyman's legs came snapping back, making him fall even faster. "Help me, Bendyman! I don't want to die," the mad-and-I-don't-mean-angry banker screamed. "Ok, Freddy Fickle," Bendyman said. "What do you spect me to do? We're not in the easiest save-the-day situation here. If I only had a signal of some kind, or a flare, or something I could burn... Wait! Do you have any money on you?" The banker pulled away from Bendyman and said, "Yeah, but you can't have it." "C'mon man!," Bendyman franticly shouted, "It's your money or your life here!" Without hesitation, Mr. Banker replied, "I'll take my money. I'm gonna need it for my old age." Bendyman grabbed the banker's fat wallet and pulled out all the bills. He then procured a match, and to Mr. Banker's horror, lit the wad of Washingtons on fire. In an instant, a helicopter was hovering next to them, with the door open. Bendyman climbed in and pulled Mr. Banker in with him. The helicopter flew them back to the top of the cliff, which took three-and-a half hours. "Home, James," Bendyman said. After the helicoptor left, Mr. Banker and Bendyman sat down on the soft dirt, away from the edge of the cliff. After the long fall they had just endured, they were both having bad hair days. Mr. Banker thought for a second, then asked Bendyman, "What's up with that chopper?" "The rotor-blades," Bendyman replied. "That's not what I- never mind," Mr. Banker said. "You know, I guess I should thank you for saving my life back there. Thanks, Bendyman." "Oh, it was something," Bendyman said back. "You know," the bankmeister said, "I think we should be friends. I don't think we should hold anything against each other. I think we should forget the past." "I think you're thinking way to much," our hero replied, and locked a pair of cuffs on him. Feline-Girl had woken up during their free- fall and taken her car, so Bendyman had to walk Mr. Banker to the Police station. After explaining his story to the guy at the counter, Bendyman started to leave. "Hey...Wait," Mr. Banker said. "Did you really know we weren't gonna become wallpaper for the rocks at the bottom of those cliffs, or were you just faking it?" Bendyman grinned and said, "I knew. I'm just that kinda guy. You don't have to worry when you're protected by me. I'm a super- hero; it comes with the job." With that, he stepped out the door. He didn't even trip.
THE END!
(Until next week, that is)
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I like my hat.
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The moon is made of cheese!?
/*Hey everybody! Read, "A Future Of Destruction" at the War Tavern!!! (Cool Story)*
"For nothing is impossible with God."
-Luke 1:37_NIV
~JJ BBoy KS~
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Who is BENDYMAN? Bendyman is a noble, honest, and inept superhero. There are rumors (and only rumors, mind you) that my little brother is his alter- ego, but it has not been proven. His superpowers include the ability to stretch and bend himself in nearly any direction, to nearly any length. I met him in 1996 at Walmart. He was quite odd-looking; strong and muscular, but at the same time clumsy and awkward. We didn't talk much there, but he later called me and told me about one of his adventures. I found it quite interesting, so I copied it down and saved it. The calls continued, and I ammassed a small collection of stories. After about six weeks, he quit calling me, and I haven't heard from him since. I don't know what happened to him, but I keep hoping that he will someday call again. I decided to publish the stories he told me in the hope that he will see them and perhaps re-establish contact.
The Story of....
BENDYMAN
Superhero at Large!
One day Bendyman was sitting in his office, trying to disentangle his big toe on his left foot from where his cat had twisted it around the leg of his desk; a normal day in the life of a superhero. Suddenly, he heard a knock at door. Deciding to save time, he picked up the desk and shoved his shoe over the tangled mess that used to be his toe so he could answer the door. "Come in!," he yelled. The door opened, and in walked a lady with a cat sitting on her shoulder, purring. She looked to be between 1 and 100 years old, more or less. "You must help me," she wimpered. "Twenty years ago, I was given a diamond by my grandmother worth about $10,000.27 and 1/2 cents! It is a family heir loom, and I cherish it greatly, but when I woke up this morning it was gone!" Bendyman, with the charm of a superhero and the face to match, (to match a baboon, that is), posed a question: "How do you know how much your grandmother was worth?" "Not my grandmother, the diamond!," the lady half-yelled. "So how does this involve me?," Bendyman whole-yelled back. Fortunately, the lady was very patient, and Bendyman, being a superhero, was very fast, which enabled him to dodge the paperweight that flew at him. "My point is, I want you to get it back!," the lady growled. "Oh," Bendyman smiled. "Where did you last see it?" The lady sat down on the floor in front of Bendyman's desk and put her hands over her face. "The last time I saw it was yesterday night, when I put it into my purse". "Thank you, ma'am," Bendyman said, "I believe that will be enough. Good day." The lady walked over to the door, opened it, and had begun to exit when she paused, turned around, and said, "Please find it, Sir. It's the most expensive thing I have!" After she had closed the door behind her, Bendyman whispered "Wait until you get my bill". Bendyman looked out his office window. He was twenty stories above the ground below. When he was young, his mother had told him never to lean out of windows, because he might fall. As he fell out the window, he began to wish he had listened to her. The pavement was coming toward him at an astonishing rate, but just before he became a pancake, his fall was stopped! Curious as to the reason for this interruption of freefall, he looked up, and noticed that his left foot had caught on the window sill. "Ah," he said to himself, "The joy of being made of rubber". Upon saying this, he freed his foot and fell the remaining two feet face-first on the cement. Bendyman picked himself up and looked around, hoping to see the lady's diamond. Instead, he saw his arch-enemy, Feline-Girl, angrily hissing and glaring at him. In her hand was a diamond the size of a golf ball, refracting and reflecting light beams all around. Bendyman smiled a heroic smile, reached his hand out toward Feline-Girl, and said, "All right, you dirty cat, give me that diamond!". Feline-Girl growled, pulling the beautiful piece of compressed coal toward herself. Seeing her resistence, our hero sprang into action. He stretched out his arm, grabbed the diamond from her, and ran back into the apartment building in which his office was. When he got to the elevator, it opened and he saw his other arch-enemy, The Ostrich! "Going somewere, are we?," the Ostrich smiled. "Get out of my way, Ostrich!," Bendyman forcefully murmered, in a way only superheros can do, "I'm taking this diamond back to its rightful owner!" With this, he pushed the close button on the elevator, ran to the stairway, ran up the 200 flights of stairs, ran to his office door, reached into his pocket, pulled out his keychain, tried to unlock the door with his car keys, opened the door that was never locked in the first place, sat down in his office chair, and shut the door with his foot. Suddenly, their was a knock at the door. Bendyman, too tired to yell "come in!," walked over and opened the door. The lady came in, with her cat on her shoulder as usual, and sat down on the floor. Bendyman, being the gentleman he was, offered her a more comfortable place on the floor and sat down in his chair. Before he could say anything, the lady smiled and said, "Thank you for looking for my diamond. I found it in my purse, right where I left it!". Suddenly their was a knock at the door. Before Bendyman could yell "Come in!," the door opened and in walked a policeman. "I'm here to arrest you for theft of a diamond from a Miss Feline-Girl," he said, and snapped cuffs around Bendyman's wrists. And so ended another day in the life of....Bendyman, Superhero at Large.
Another life in the day of BENDYMAN
It was a cool and rainy February 31 when Bendyman woke up. The hands on his digital alarm clock said it was 4:28 in the morning. A loud ringing filled the room. "What's goin on?," our hero mused. "I thought I set my alarm for 4:29!" He then noticed the ringing was coming from his phone. He reached into the kitchen and picked it up. "Hello? Bendyman?," a frantic voice greeted him. "You know, you do a great impression of the chief of police! Who is this?," Bendyman asked. "The Chief of Police," the voice said. "The Mayor of our lovely little town has been kid-napped." "Ha!," Bendyman sneered, "That's impossible! He's 34 years old!" The chief coughed. "Uhh..yeah. Listen carefully, Bendyman. I'm the only one who knows where they're keeping him. I can't let anyone hear where it is or reporters will jam the place. Go south to-" Bendyman hung up. "That was close! He almost let me hear his secret! Now...where should I start looking.." Bendyman took off his bunny pajamas and put on his superhero costume. Suddenly a ringing filled the room. Bendyman picked up the phone. This time it was his alarm. Before he could pull out his official Daisy BB gun to shut it off, lightning crashed, and it went off by itself. So did the lights, and the phone in his hand. "Rats, and my favorite MCI salesperson was supposed to call this morning," Bendyman whined. After brushing his hair, combing his teeth, and eating a light breadfast (holes from Swiss Cheese and dehydrated water), he set fifth. (He had already set forth the day before.) Bendyman exited his apartment and stepped out onto the curb. The first cab driver he gestured to drove by, splashing water on him. "Oops, wrong signal," Bendyman said, and stuck out his thumb. The next one picked him up. "Take me to the bad guy!," Bendyman commanded. The cab driver dropped him off at large cave. "Not bat guy, BAD guy! For this I'm gonna cut your tip in half!" The cab driver proceeded to set his meter 20 miles ahead, and drive Bendyman to an abandoned (ha-ha) warehouse. After mortgaging the apartment he was renting, Bendyman paid the cabbie and walked toward the warehouse. The rain was still pouring down as he opened the door, creating a long, ectoplas- mic creak. The building was dark...just like the rest of the town. Like only he can, Bendyman slipped into the building. His opponent apparently knew of his inobservativity, and had taken advantage of it by leaving a patch of oil in the doorway. "So, Bendyman...You have arrived. I thought you would. But, as you can see, I am reddy." Bendyman looked around, wondering where the voice was coming from. "Don't you mean ready?," he said. "Yellowy," the voice replied. "What?," Bendyman yelled. "GREENY!," the voice screamed, and where there had been darkness, there was light. Lights, actually. Headlights. A stock car raced at him, engine spitting flame. "Zero to flat 60 in 10 seconds," the voice said. Just as Bendyman was going to make a crack about "10 seconds flat, not flat 60," he notice the cement roller attached to the back of the car. By then it was too late to react, and Bendyman would no longer have to worry about bumping his head when he got into his VW Bug. But to the surprise of the to-be-revealed bad guy, the flat Bendyman grew taller and thinner until he had resumed his previous form. "Very clever, Bendyman, but see if you can escape my next trap," the voice said. Bendyman had had had had had enough, and he said so. "Alright, Voice. Enough traps! Reveal yourself!" A flashlight clicked on, and in the center of the warehouse sat the mayor, tied up and surrounded by traffic cones. Before Bendyman could take a step toward him, the beam was turned onto the face of....The Voice. "Why did you steal the mayor of our lovely little town?," Bendyman forcefully queried. The body belonging to the voice stepped closer, and pulled out a gun. "That, SuperSaint, is immaterial. You are soon going to be a holey supersaint." Bendyman, with his heroic glare, replied "Over my dead body." "I don't think you understand, Bendyman. I'm gonna kill you". "I'd rather DIE!," Bendyman shot back. As the Voice pulled the trigger, things started happening in s l o w m o t i o n . The bullets left the gun and shot straight at Bendyman! Then they hit Bendyman! Then they came out the back of Bendyman! Then the holes in Bendyman closed themselves up! "You punk!," the voice said, "How the coffee grounds am I supposed to murder you?" "I don't honestly know. I've never been killed before," Bendyman replied. In an act of desparation, the Voice fainted. "Well, mayor, looks like I saved the day again," Bendyman smiled. "What do you mean again?," the Mayor asked. "Last time, you got arrested." Bendyman turned red. "Yeah, but I'm just a beginner. I have lots of save-the-days left in me." "Well, I guess I owe you a reward for saving my life, or whatever you did. What do you want?," the mayor grunted. "The satisfaction of a job well done, the humble knowledge of a day well spent, and for everyone in the world to know how great I am," Bendyman requested. The mayor smiled, and said "I think I can handle that. I have a friend who is a reporter for the Enquirer.. . . . ." And that was that. (What else would it be?)
BENDYMAN Weakly, Issue -5 (5/22/96) "Never eat chocolate while chewing gum"
As our story commences, we find our hero Bendyman stuck in traffic on a warm January 25. The engine in his VW Bug, which made people turn up their stereos, irreverently spit carbon dioxide as the sun beat down. Cars were lined up behind and in front of him, hundreds upon hundreds, more or less. In a surprising crackle, his CB radio kicked on, and had he not run out of gas at the same time, killing his engine, he never would have heard it. "Breaker, Breaker, I'm feeling broken!," the radio hacked. Grabbing his microphone, Bendyman replied, "Whatup, this is yo Homey Hero, Yo friendy Bendy backatcha!" "What?," said his unseen acquaintance. "Uh, This is Bendyman," said Bendyman. The radio faded out, then came back, "Your just the uh...person I wanted to talk to! I need help! I'm a mailman, and-" "Wait," Bendyman broke in, "Maleman? Isn't that redundant? I can't stand redundancies that say the same thing twice." The voice paused, then came back, "Sorry. I deliver letters to people, and I need your help. There is a criminal who is beating up mailm.. letter deliverers, and stealing their cargo. Snow and hail I can handle, but this is too much!" "Ten-four is 14, and Bendyman is on the way!," our hero grinned. His grin faded when he saw the traffic around him, as unmoving as a junk yard. An inspiration abruptly struck Bendyman, and he swiftly pulled out his in-line skates and protective gear. With a final flourish, he stuck a police light onto his official Barbie helmet, and climbed out his sunroof. Against the protests of the passengers, Bendyman skated across the trunks, rooves, and hoods of the parked cars, jumping the bumper gaps. It worked great until he hit the convertible.
Bendyman woke up an hour later, covered head to toe with car footprints. "Aw, man, it's gonna take me a while to bend this outta my skin," Bendyman whined, as he started the long trek back to his home. The stairs up to his apartment weren't as long and hard as the stares he got from the other people in the building. The comments they offered did not serve to brighten his day, either, such as, "Wanna Tic-Tac, Exhaust Breath?," and, "It's seeing people like you that makes being blind look appealing." Bendyman finally reached his door and entered, thinking of the nice shower he would take. The rush of water as he opened the door and the flat look his waterbed had to it reminded him that he had forgotten to shut his pet porcupine's cage door. "Well," our heroic hero said, "I guess maybe I'll take a bath". After changing his clothes and ordering a gross of sponges, Bendyman tried to decide what his next move should be. "Let's see," said Bendyman, "What should my next move be? I know! I'll get a job as a postman and trap the letter-person beater upper." Following up on his idea, Bendyman, after retrieving his squatomobile from the police, drove to the post office. They hired him immediately, mainly because of the sudden increase in mailman resignations presented to them lately. Bendyman was given a uniform, a truck, a mailbag, and a mailbox key-ring. Fortunately for our story, the Villain did not wait long to strike. Before Bendyman could reach his truck, he was struck from behind and the mail was taken from him. As the crinimal tried to escape, Bendyman was able to grab onto his bumper. "Oh, boogers," said Bendyman, "This is gonna be a long ride." It was not, because the Villain only lived a block away. Bendyman watched him unload several bags of mail and walk into a large house, then followed stealthily. As he stealthed through the doorway, he couldn't help but notice the numorous stacks of mail around him. The strange thing about the letters were that none of them had stamps left. "Hello, mudstuffin," said a buff-looking man who had stepped out from behind one of the piles. "Are you lookin for me?" "No," Bendyman said, "Not anymore. Did you steal all these letters?" "No. I'm borrowing them for my sick grandmother," the all-mail thief said. "Oh. Sorry," said Bendyman. "Wait, Bendyman. I was being sarcastic," the evil thief villain said. "I steal the mail because I am addicted to the stamp glue. Did you notice that the stamps were all missing from the letters? That's because I peeled them all and licked the glue off. It's like steroids with no side affects. And now you will leave." "No," Bendyman said, "I don't think so. I stand for justice and the good of the people, and I am going to leave with you in cuffs." The bad guy turned and started to walk away, talking to himself. "Let's see...to get gum outta your hair, you use peanut butter. Maybe it will work on him.." "I heard that!," Bendyman interrupted. Bad Mr. Buff slowly smiled, then replied, "Look up and live, you flimsy freak; Not!" Bendyman looked up to see a hot tub full of peanut butter emptying directly above him! "I hope it's not crunchy" was his last statement before he was buried (alive?) in George Washington Carver's brainchild.
bb continued next week.
BENDYMAN Weakly, Issue -4 (5/29/96) "But a loaf of bread can make a man sin"
We last left our hero struggling in a messy glob of peanut butter, were he had been trapped by the evil stamp glue-addict. Bendyman flailed and coughed, trying to get out of the brown sandwich filler. He was about to give up hope, when, for no apparent reason, a flock of migrating seagulls flew through the living room. The seagulls, nature's black holes, all took mouthfulls of the peanut butter as they flew by, and by the end of the flying V, Bendyman was no longer covered in grape jelly's significant other. In fact, he was looking his usual self again, grim, green, and glorious. Mr. Stamp-addict, meanwhile, had walked into the back of the house, not suspecting our hero's fowl play. He was surprised when Bendyman interrupted his licking of stamps, but he recovered quickly. "So, Mr. Superhero Sort-of, you evaded my delicious trap. I suppose you are still going to try to take me to jail." Bendyman stared the big guy right between the eyes, and said, "You better believe it!" The criminal slowly got out of his chair and dropped his stamps. "Well, that's unfortunate. I guess I'll have to tear you apart. Would you like me to rip you right to left or top to bottom?" Without waiting for an answer, he grabbed Bendyman's neck and lifted him three feet up in the air. Bendyman's feet, however, stayed right where they were. The floor was sticky with all the stamp glue floating around, and Bendyman stretched. The bad guy proceeded to climb up onto the table, extending Bendyman even more. Just when Bendyman was starting to get tired of this little endeavor, a strange look came into the eyes of the man holding his neck. "I...I...I have to go!," the bad guy said. "Where?" Bendyman replied. "I don't know..where do you think I should go?," said the suddenly confused bad guy. "Well," Bendyman said, "Why don't you go to the police station and turn yourself in?" "Uh..Ok," the bad guy said, and ran out the door. Bendyman chuckled. "I guess licking stamp glue has side affects after all. I would call it a sudden compulsion to go somewhere." With that, he walked into the living room. To his surprise, a lady stood next to a chair with a cat in it. Even more to his surprise, she sat down on the cat. Of course, she stood back up immediately with a shriek. "Hi, what are you doing here?," Bendyman asked. "I've come to talk to you," the woman exhaled. "Congratulations. Remember when you entered the "Day at the Bakery" sweepstakes? You won. You get to run the store for a day." Bendyman couldn't believe his ears. "You mean it? I get to.. I won.. I.. Wow!" "You can start right now if you want," the woman said. "The store is at 321 Baker street." "Cool," Bendyman said, and walked out the door. He arrived at the bakery a few minutes later, dressed like the Pillsbury Doughboy, only with pants on. The owner gave him a few instructions. "Talk to strangers and accept money from them." "Huh," Bendyman thought to himself, "That's just what my mother always told me to do." The owner then left, and our hero was officially in charge of the store. His first customer was the owner of the local bank, Mr. John Banker. "Hi, Mr. Banker!," Bendyman cheerfully greeted him, "How are you?" "Fifty-five, and I'm gonna be fifty-six this July," Mr. Banker replied. "Listen, I'm really hungry. I have been fasting for two days, and I'm totally voracious. I'll take this loaf of bread" "That'll be twenty-five cents," Bendyman replied. Mr. Banker reached for his wallet, then stopped. "Aw, pickles," Mr. Banker swore. "I forgot my wallet. Listen, I'll just take this and pay you later." "Umm..I'm sorry, Mr. Banker, I can't let you do that," Bendyman said. "I'd let you talk to Mr. Baker, but he isn't here today." Mr. Banker thought for a second, then said "Hey, isn't that Halley's Comet?" Bendyman smiled. "Mr. Banker...Do you think I'm stupid? This is a bakery. We don't carry cleansers!" "No!," John Banker said, "Halley's Comet!" Bendyman looked, but didn't see anything. When he return his scope of vision to the store, the banker was gone, and so was the bread. Bendyman ran out the door after him only to see good ol' Mr. Banker, small town friend and banker for thirty-whatchmawhozit years, steal our hero's VW Bug! "Where'd he learn how to hotwire a car?," Bendyman asked. "And where are my keys?" Bendyman watched Mr. Banker drive in a straight line until he was out of sight. "I think I know a shortcut to where he's going!," said Bendyman. As our hero stepped back into the bakery, he heard a fast breaking news bulliten. "We have here what seems to be a robbery," the newscaster said in broken English. "The bank has been emptied of all it's cash...by John Banker himself!"
bb continued next week.
BENDYMAN Weakly, Issue -3 (5/5/96) "Ya gotta want it"
After discovering the "good ol" banker had flipped off and gone completely berserk over a loaf of bread, Bendyman knew he was the man for the job. He had to simply examine the situation and come up with a solution. "Let's see," said Bendyman, "He stole my car. That could be a problem." Bendyman thought for a second, then thought for a second second. "I know!," said Bendyman, and started to exit the bakery. To his surprise, the door opened by itself, hitting our hero's majestic little face. "Sorry," said Mr. Baker as he walked in. "No prob, Bob," Bendyman said. "I always thought my nose was too big." A concerned look came over Mr. Baker's face. "Hey, did you hear about Mr. Banker ripping off his own bank? I had a lot of money in there!" "So did I!," our hero gasped. "I had a good little goose egg invested in that money-storage facility!" "I believe you mean nest egg," said the baker. "Yeah, I had one of those too," Bendyman said. "The important thing now is to find that dirty booger and get the money back for all the nice people in this town." A look of pain crossed the flattened face of our cartiliginous crimefighter. "Ouch. I think I got an idea," he said. "I have a tracer on my car. The small item in back left pocket should tell me where it is!" "You don't have any pockets," Mr. Baker said. "Whoops," Bendyman replied, "I had one when I left. Maybe I dropped it." Their conversation was interrupted by a chaotic sound outside the bakery. Through the window, they saw a teeming mob of citizens who were communicating grim opinions of the current situation. Bendyman, with a smooth twist, opened the door and stepped outside. "Don't worry, fellas. Everything is chillin'. I'm going to get your money back." Instead of the grateful cheering he expected, he was rudely rejected by groans and boos. Bendyman, who wasn't in it for the love, proceeded to walk in the direction he had seen the banker drive his Bug. As if bad vocal vibes weren't enough, the crowd began to laugh and hurl things at him. Our hero accelerated his pace until he was more than a stone's throw away from the ingrates. Bendyman, still running away, looked back over his shoulder and stuck his tongue out at his fan club, but drew it back in after it got caught on his shoelace. "Gee," he said, "I guess I don't know my own length." All this looking backwards caught up with him, however, when he fell through the man..uh..personhole. Bendyman landed with a thud, which, though more painful, wasn't as bad as a splash. "Geez," Bendyman said, "What's that smell? It reminds me of....Pizza!" Without warning, four round shadowy figures stepped toward our sub-pavement hero. "Hey! Who are you?," the tallest one asked. "Bendyman!," said Bendyman. "Now answer my question." "You didn't ask us anything," the leader said. "And before you do, consider this: we are the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles!" "Oh. is that a singing group?," Bendyman asked. A look passed among the four strangers, and before our hero could react, they threw him back up toward the the top of the sewer. Bendyman stared at the upcoming ceiling, hoping it was soft. He broke through it, but it wasn't soft. "Well," he said, "At least I'm out" Our hero did a forward flip and, with catlike ability, landed on his backside. As he stood up, he noticed his VW Bug parked outside a butcher shop. "Aha!," he said, "I would call that a clue!" Bendyman ran into the building. The first thing he noticed was the owner, Mr. Butcher, tied to a chair and gagged. "Don't worry, it's all good. I'm here to save you," Bendyman said, and charged through the door marked "Meat Locker". "Rats," he said, "I guess I shoulda opened it first." Behind the rows of frozen carcasses, Bendyman saw Mr. Banker sitting on the floor with piles of money all around him. Our sub-zero hero slowly walked toward him until he was interrupted by the ex-banker. "I see you back there, Bendyman. How do you like my cold cash?," he said, and laughed maniacally. "You know," said Bendyman, "There are two things I can't stand. One of them is a thief, and so is the other one." With that, he began to walk toward Mr. Banker. "I wouldn't come much closer than that," Mr. Banker said, and quickly began to stuff the money into a suitcase. "I have a question for you. How does it feel to have the temperature be the same as your IQ?" Bendyman stepped closer. "Are you dumb or are you just stupid?," the banker asked, and picked up the now full suitcase. Without answering, Bendyman continued to advance. "Well," Mr. Banker said, "I can see that you aren't going to give up. You won't get the money from me, but people are certainly going to be eating some rich hamburgers for a while." "Wait!," Bendyman said, and leaped at the banker, but not in time to stop him from throwing the suitcase into the air. Bendyman watched, unable to move, as it flew toward the open mouth of the meat grinder!
bb continued next week.
BENDYMAN Weakly, Issue -2 (5/5/96) "Ya still gotta want it."
Bendyman watched, unable to move, as the suitcase containing the finances of the entire town flew toward the open mouth of the meat grinder! While Mr. Banker and Bendyman were fighting, Mr. Butcher, though he was tied to a chair, had somehow managed to scritch his way over to the meat locker door. He saw the mad banker throw the money, and with intense determination, lunged forward. Bendyman heard him yell, "Dominoes!" just before his face hit the floor. "Well," Bendyman thought, "I am kinda hungry. But wait!" With that, he pushed the naked carcass hanging in front of him as hard as he could. They all watched as it swung forward, hitting another frozen dinner-to-be. The motion was carried to the end of the line until the last carcass was pushed out, hitting the suitcase and knocking it away from a looked to be a certain economic grind. Our hero speedily sped over and picked up the suitcase. If the look Mr. Banker gave our glorious and victorious hero was translated into words, I wouldn't write them in this story. Without a goodbye or farewell, the bad boy of banking turned and ran for the door. Bendyman chased him, but tripped over the tied-up butcher, who was still lying in the door. The butcher grunted. "Don't worry, I'll catch him," Bendyman said, and raced out onto the street. Mr. Banker was gone. "Aw, roadkill!" Bendyman said. "I guess I'll go give this dough back to the head bro at the bank". On the way back, our hero drove past his fan club again. When they saw him, they began to yell and throw things, just like the last time. Bendyman boldly stepped out of his VW Bug and held up the suitcase. "Look, you ingrates. I got your money back." The crowd stopped for a second, staring in awe at their recovered finincial future. "Well? What do you say now?" Bendyman smiled. Without hesitation, they all continued to stare. Bendyman sighed, ran back to his Bug, and tried to make a Dukes of Hazzard entry. Unfortunately, his window wasn't unrolled, and he bounced off it. The crowd found his antics to be hilarious, and when Bendyman finally opened the door and reentered his car, he swore he would never do anything stupid again. His resolution didn't last long, however, because it was after he reached the bank that he remembered it was closed on Saturdays. Bendyman sighed and drove back to his apartment. Unknown to him, a dark figure watched him take the suitcase up the stairs to his room, then whispered into a small 2-way radio. "Mr. Banker? This is Feline-Girl. He's in his apartment. I'm commencing the plan." Feline-Girl, who had never forgiven our hero for the diamond misunderstanding, walked up to his door and knocked. Bendyman was so surprised to see a beautiful lady at his door, he didn't even notice that she looked like a bad guy out of costume. "Uhh..I think you have the wrong place," Bendyman said. "Not if you are Bendyman," she said. "I was looking for a handsome superhero, and I think I've found one. Can I come in?" "Sure!," our red-faced hero said, and stepped out of her way. Feline-Girl walked into the living room, pushed a dirty pile of Bendyman's costumes off his couch, and sat down. "Nice living room," she said. "Thanks!," Bendyman said. "I rented it myself!" Bendyman pushed a stack of coloring books off of a chair and sat down across from her. "What am I thinking?," he thought, and stood back up. "Can I offer you something to munch on?," he asked her. "How about some toenails? I grew them myself." Feline-Girl tried not to show her disgust. "No thanks, I'm on a diet." Bendyman sat back down. "If you don't mind my asking, why did you come here?," he tactfully queried. Feline-Girl thought of the money, then sat back and smiled. "Because I like you. I wanted to ask you to go to a movie with me." "You're sure you're looking for B-E-N-D-Y man Bendyman?," our disbelieving hero repeated. "That's the one," she reassured him. "Now which movie would you like to watch? I hear Operation:Missable with that Cruise guy is pretty exciting." "I'd have to call my mom and make sure it's okay, but other than that, yeah!," said Bendyman. After his mother enthusiastically gave her permission, the two got into Feline-Girl's car and drove onto a side-road leading out into the country. "Wait a minute!," said Bendyman distrustfully, "Wait one elephant-herding minute! Operation:Missable doesn't start until 2:30 P.M. That's forty minutes from now!" Feline-Girl grinned at him, showing a perfect smile with a little bit of tuna fish stuck between her front teeth. "I thought we should get their a little early so we could find some good seats." They drove on for another ten minutes until they came to a cliff which could have been the Grand Canyon's older brother. Feline-Girl got out of the car, and Bendyman followed suit. "I can't believe these parking lots.," he said. "They make 'em so far away from the theatres. It's a good thing we left early." Feline-Girl smiled, and said, "Turn around, Bendy". Bendyman did, and just about dropped his jaw. "Remember me?," Mr. Banker said. "I think you should turn around, Bendy". Again, our hero swiveled, and nearly fainted. Instead of his pretty new friend, there stood his pretty old enemy. "I think you should turn around one more time, Bendy," she said. "Oh, no," Bendyman said, "It's been worse every time I've turned around today. And besides that, I'm getting dizzy." Mr. Banker walked past Bendyman to stand next to Feline- Girl. "Take a few steps back, Bendyman," he said. Bendyman did, and looked over his shoulder. He was right on the edge of a long, bungie-less fall. "Now," Mr. Banker said. "Where is my money?" Bendyman folded his arms and glared at the evil pair. "I'm sorry to break this to you, but I'm not even going to tell". Feline-Girl smiled and pulled a small bird out of her pocket. "Gasp!," Bendyman gasped. "Where did you get my canary?" Feline-Girl smiled even wider. "I took it out of the cage when you were getting the toenails." "Toenails?," Mr. Banker asked. Bendyman narrowed his gaze. "I'm sorry to do this to you, but you asked for it. Polly! Attack!" The canary bit Feline- Girl, who immediately let go. Mr. Banker and Bendyman watched as Feline-Girl chased the bird around the car, over some rocks, and under a limb that was a little bit lower that it looked. Feline-Girl hit her head and collapsed. "Polly! Home!," Bendyman yelled. Mr. Banker was more angry than he had ever been in his entire mediocre life. "I'll kill you!," he said, and charged at Bendyman, who sidestepped. Mr. Banker couldn't stop in time, and was only stopped from falling by catching a jutting rock. "Grab my hand!," Bendyman said. The Jekyl-turned-Hyde banker stared up at Bendyman, and defiantly said, "No." Before Bendyman could grab him, he let go.
bb continued next week.
BENDYMAN Weakly, Issue -1 (5/12/96) ""
Last week, we left Bendyman at the tallest cliff in the entire world. It was so high, they say, that looking over the edge could cure nearsighhtedness. Unfortunately, this was the same cliff that Mr. Banker had just fallen off. Bendyman knew what he had to do. He quickly tied his shoelaces onto the bumper of Feline-Girl's car and jumped after Mr. Banker. Bendyman fell quickly, but Mr. Banker had a long head start. Our hero's legs stretched more and more as dropped farther and farther down the cliff. "Ooh!" Bendyman said, "I think I pulled something." He finally caught up with Mr. Banker, and reached out his hand. "Come on, I'm giving you a second chance," Bendyman said. Mr. Banker refused to cooperate, and tried to fall faster. Bendyman could see the ground now, and though it was far away, the two cliff divers were now travelling at an extremely dangerous rate and still accelerating. Our hero reached into his pocket, pulled out a dollar bill, and held it out toward Mr. Banker. When he tried to grab it, Bendyman latched onto his arm. "Let me go, and give me that money!," Mr. Banker said. "I'd rather be eaten alive by Martians from Venus until I died," Bendyman replied. Their descent slowed as Bendyman's legs came closer to their stretching limit. "We're safe now," Bendyman said. With a sudden ripping sound, one of his industrial-strength guaranteed-for-life never- break shoelaces snapped. "What was that?," Mr. Banker said. "That was my weaker shoelace," Bendyman said. "But don't worry. The other one is so unbelievably strong, only Samson could break it, and I don't think he is going to." Just as he said that, his Samson-proof shoelace came untied. Bendyman's legs came snapping back, making him fall even faster. "Help me, Bendyman! I don't want to die," the mad-and-I-don't-mean-angry banker screamed. "Ok, Freddy Fickle," Bendyman said. "What do you spect me to do? We're not in the easiest save-the-day situation here. If I only had a signal of some kind, or a flare, or something I could burn... Wait! Do you have any money on you?" The banker pulled away from Bendyman and said, "Yeah, but you can't have it." "C'mon man!," Bendyman franticly shouted, "It's your money or your life here!" Without hesitation, Mr. Banker replied, "I'll take my money. I'm gonna need it for my old age." Bendyman grabbed the banker's fat wallet and pulled out all the bills. He then procured a match, and to Mr. Banker's horror, lit the wad of Washingtons on fire. In an instant, a helicopter was hovering next to them, with the door open. Bendyman climbed in and pulled Mr. Banker in with him. The helicopter flew them back to the top of the cliff, which took three-and-a half hours. "Home, James," Bendyman said. After the helicoptor left, Mr. Banker and Bendyman sat down on the soft dirt, away from the edge of the cliff. After the long fall they had just endured, they were both having bad hair days. Mr. Banker thought for a second, then asked Bendyman, "What's up with that chopper?" "The rotor-blades," Bendyman replied. "That's not what I- never mind," Mr. Banker said. "You know, I guess I should thank you for saving my life back there. Thanks, Bendyman." "Oh, it was something," Bendyman said back. "You know," the bankmeister said, "I think we should be friends. I don't think we should hold anything against each other. I think we should forget the past." "I think you're thinking way to much," our hero replied, and locked a pair of cuffs on him. Feline-Girl had woken up during their free- fall and taken her car, so Bendyman had to walk Mr. Banker to the Police station. After explaining his story to the guy at the counter, Bendyman started to leave. "Hey...Wait," Mr. Banker said. "Did you really know we weren't gonna become wallpaper for the rocks at the bottom of those cliffs, or were you just faking it?" Bendyman grinned and said, "I knew. I'm just that kinda guy. You don't have to worry when you're protected by me. I'm a super- hero; it comes with the job." With that, he stepped out the door. He didn't even trip.
THE END!
(Until next week, that is)
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I like my hat.
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The moon is made of cheese!?
/*Hey everybody! Read, "A Future Of Destruction" at the War Tavern!!! (Cool Story)*
"For nothing is impossible with God."
-Luke 1:37_NIV
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