Yet Another War Tavern War Story

[Trafton]

This is sort of an improvised thing, so don't kill me too badly if it stinks. My aim is to have others continue on it, in War Stories Might Be Back format. I mainly do this because the forum is starting to look a bit inactive. I'm really awful at writing startings for stories, but I'll try.

It was a brisk November morning. Jazz Jackrabbit, intergalactic adventurer and hailed hero, sits quietly reflecting on his previous venture into the Caves of Diamondus. The vicious turtles and bees were simply no match for him anymore. Over and over, he had the same mission: roast a few turtles and/or lizards, save some useless trinkit that costs millions of dollars, and make about the same amount of money as a mocha latte operator at Starbucks #3424243242 of Omaha, Nebraska. Snore.

"Maybe it's time to retire," he muttered to himself, "I would probably make more money that way, anyway."

Suddenly, his Videofone(tm) rang.

"Yes, commisioner?" he unenthsiastically asked.

"Jazz, we have a mission for you," said the commisioner in his usual business voice tone.

"Save the world?" Jazz said sarcastically.

"Yes, in fact," the commisioner responded, "now Jazz, here is your mission..."

Devan Shell's goons have officially declared their intent to take over their world by stealing its supply of carrot juice. Your mission, if you choose to accept it, which you will if you know what's good for you, is to stop his goons from building a large robot to break into the Squeeze-A-Carrot Corporation's large and stealing the carrot juice.

"That is possibly the most ridiculous plot I've ever heard," Jazz chimes.

Oh, yes. They've captured Eva.

"Well, then, I suppose I could manage to maybe save her..."

I thought you would change your mind. First of all, you will need to go through the perilous Mad Monkey Jungle, Swamps of Agama, and...

"Couldn't I just fly?"

No.

"Alright then...what gadgets to I get?

A flashlight.

"That's all?"

Blame the economy.

"Fine, I'll do my best."

Suddenly, and quite conviniently, the ground began to shake. Jazz felt heavy breathing on his back. Slowly, he turned around and found himself eye-to-eye with a giant lizard...

[acid]

"Hi."

Jazz blinked. It definiteley wasn't every day a huge lizard stared you in the eye, and then suddenly casually just said hi. He was dumbstruck.

"Are you Jazz Jackrabbit? Devan sent me to destroy somebody called Jazz Jackrabbit."

"Ummm... Yeah..." Jazz started to reach for his gun. The lizard took 10 seconds exactly to compile what Jazz said.

Which, conveniantly was exactly the amount of time Jazz needed to grab his blaster and blow the lizard's head off.

A few seconds later, there was a bright flash of blue light, and Jazz was standing under a large neon sign that blared: WELCOME TO MAD MONKEY JUNGLE.

Sorry 'bout the short post, but hey, who cares? :p

[4I Falcon]

Jazz needs ten seconds to blast a lizard's head off? That's a bit much, don't you think?

One blast should do it, and that would take about a second and a half...

In any case, here's my bit:

Jazz calmly entered the Mad Monkey Jungle. The first thing he realized was that it was quiet. Too quiet.

Disconcertingly quiet.

As Jazz ventured farther in, he noticed that all of the treetop houses which he normally needed to snipe monkeys from were all empty. Nothing swung through the trees... in fact, the only thing on the ground was him.

"Wow. This is going to be ridiculously easy." The words echoed back at him from the seemingly endless jungle of... jungle.

However, not only did it echo back to him, but it also echoed to all of the camouflaged simians, hiding in wait in the treetops, on the jungle floor, and everywhere between... waiting for one signal to attack...

[VelKa]

Suddenly, everything became happy and positive.


~VelKasha DM

[Ninja]

A monkey jumped out,
and slapped jazz with a trout.

[4I Falcon]

You people ruined it! *slaps VelKasha and Ninja with trout*

[n0]

Originally posted by Agent Megumi
<strike>Suddenly, everything became happy and positive.


~VelKasha DM</strike> Originally posted by Ninja
<strike>A monkey jumped out,
and slapped jazz with a trout.</strike>

Then Jazz saw a foot sticking out from under a bush, and wipped out his blaster, slammed the toaster cartrige into it, and ran straight through, vaporizing a lot of bushes with feet that were jumping at him....

`N0

[Ninja]

Then a monkey jumps out of the bush, and slaps Jazz with a trout.

[acid]

Originally posted by Ninja
<s>Then a monkey jumps out of the bush, and slaps Jazz with a trout.</s>

NO MORE TROUT!!!

<s>Then a monkey jumps out of a bush and slaps Jazz with a salmon!!!</s>

J/K :p

But here's the real thing:
The monkeys did not like seeing their friends vaproised. They all regarded the blast of fire as a signal to attack. Jazz found himself pelted with bannanas.

"Oh, great, not more of those insane JJ2 monkey ripoffs!" Jazz yelled, as he replaced his toaster with TNT. He set quite a few, then retreated until the monkeys followed him into his trap.

Let me put it this way: BOOM.

[Trafton]

The monkey reserve army, sensing that their commrades in the first reserve were in trouble (i.e. being exploded) ran out onto the fiend of battle. Jazz, faced with miles of monkeys, ran as fast as possible in the other direction. Panting heavily, he rested. He could hear the monkey army approaching from the distance. He knew he had to do something, but what?

[acid]

Ah, if he had some scientific knowledge he could tamper with his weapons, but he didn't . He just had the knowledge of running. And running. Soon he rushed past a sign that said EXIT and a few seconds later he smacked into a wall, before teleporing to level two of the Mad Monkey Jungle.

The monkeys here, apparently, weren't mad as in angry, but mad as in completeley and totally insane. Some monkeys were stuffing bananas up their noses, while others were auctioning off dirt clods. "This is gonna be EASY!" thought Jazz.

He was wrong.

[Ninja]

The monkey said, "Please don't hurt us, Jazz, we are just monkeys!"

Jazz took pity on them, and gave up his mission. A helicopter arrive, and he boarded it and went home.

The End.

[acid]

except, over a strangely familiar swamp, the engine exploded. Jazz fell out of the helicopter and landed with a wumph on top of a sleeping Jaguar. The jaguar did not like being landed on by a jackrabbit falling out of a helicopter.

Jazz recognized the area as Swamps of Agama. Then he recognised the jaguar as a ticked off jaguar. Then he recognised the situation as a time to RUN!!!

[Ninja]

Jazz screamed like a woman only even more so, and grabbed a trout from a nearby pond, and smax0red the Jaguar with it.
Then another helicopter came, but he threw the trout at it and it exploded. Jazz is now a criminal!

[Trafton]

Knowing that he is being hunted for the terrible trout-exploding, Jazz headed towards the Caves of Diamondus, where Devon Shell was rumored to be hiding. When he arrived, he looked in and saw a huge swarm of bees moving quite rapidly in his general direction...

[KRSplat]

A third helicopter came to fry Jazz, but the bees were fried instead. Jazz threw a rockfish at that helicopter and it exploded. But rockfish can't make helicopters explode, so the rockfish fell back into the swamp. Jazz tried a trout, and the helicopter exploded.

[FQuist]

This is totally insane. ;p

[4I Falcon]

I thinx0rs that the story has disintegrated into a pile of steaming baby food.

I.E. goo.

[Ninja]

I screwed this story up.
I apologize...not.

[VelKa]

Originally posted by Fquist
This is totally insane. ;p
I think that's a serious understatement. ;-P


~velkasha DM

[Trafton]

The exploding trout bombs of doom should come in handy at a later time. Jazz packed them in his backpack and started towards the caves yet again, lamenting how crazy Ninja was. As he approached the cave, he noticed something strange about it...it was gone.

[Ninja]

Then his eyes came into focus, and he realized the trouts had made him high...he walked into the cave armed with a trout!

>Look
You are in a cave.
A eyeless fish in wandering around.
>Consider Fish
You could do it with a needle!
>Kill fish
Your trout glows red and fires guts all over the fish.
A fish is DEAD!! You gain 3827 experience!
[CLAN]Jazz Jackrabbit has leveled!
>cl finally!
[CLAN] 100% hear you say, "Finally!"
[CLAN] Spaz says, "ya u rule cum home plz"
>cl I'm trying my best..send a chopper.
[CLAN] 100% hear you say, "I'm trying my best..send a chopper."

Little does Jazz remember of how stupid Spaz is..

[acid]

Later, a mail man appeared at the mouth of the cave. He handed Jazz a large package. He opened it, and found a lawn mower.

> cl NOT THAT KIND OF CHOPPER!!! A HELICOPTER!!!
[CLAN] 100% hear you say, "NOT THAT KIND OF CHOPPER!!! A HELICOPTER!!!"

[Ninja]

[CLAN] Spaz says, "Oh..! Okay, you can get one yourself. There are lizards around here with helicopters on their backs...
>cl ok, thanks
[CLAN] 100% hear you say, "Thanks"
>moron
You must be confused.
>idiot spaz..
You must be confused.
>north
You are standing in a pineapple patch of some sort..A huge fly jumps up.
>inv
You are carrying:
Trout(30234)
Pebble(-1)
Machine gun
>use machine fly
You train your machine gun on the fly and bust it open. suddenly an egg sacks pops out as it blows up.

10000 flys come at you!
10000 flys maims you!
>flee
You become panic stricken, and attempt to flee!
You have fled into sticky mud..you see a lizard with a jetpack-helicopter.
>shoot lizard
You fire at the lizard and he drops his jetpack and drops into the mud.
>grab jetpack
You grab the jetpack and are pulled out of the swamp.
You run out of gas over some Tombs you have seen before..
(yay, finally the storys getting good)

[Trafton]

As the gas-deprived helicopter raced down, Jazz radioed for help.

Hello...hello...mission control? This is Jazz. I need help.
Hello? Hello! This is Bubba. How can I done gone and help you, Jazz Chattanoogarabbit?

It's Jackrabbit...and who are you?
I'm Bubba. I done gone and built this plane here, youngin'!

This is a Boeing plane.
Yeah, but da dad-blasted economy and stuf' is keepin' tech sa'port to a min'mun. How can I go and help you youngin'?

Oh, well, I'm about to die. Any way to recover a jet falling rapidly through mid-air?
Let me transfer you.

NO WAIT...
Thank you for calling Boeing. Your call is very important to us. You are the next caller.

The next caller? Phew. That isn't so bad.





3 days later...
This is a really long fall, isn't it?
Thank you for calling Boeing. Your call is very important to us. You are the next caller.

OH SURE YOU DO.
Thank you for calling Boeing. Your call is very important to us. You are the next caller.

I HATE YOU. HATE.
Thank you for calling Boeing. Your call is very important to us. You are the next caller.

I'M GOING TO DIE CAN'T YOU DO ANYTHING?
Thank you for calling Boeing. Your call is very important to us. You are the next caller.

HELPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP
Hello, this is John. How may I help you?

John! Thank you! I was wondering how I pull out of a freefa...
Just a second, Jack Jazzrabbit! Let me transfer you...

"Noooooooooooooooooooooooo," Jazz screamed as he plumetted towards the ground while ominous elevator music played.

Thank you for calling Boeing. Your call is very important to us. You are the next caller.

...Or is he? You will only find out in the next chapter titled..."WHATEVER THE NEXT PERSON WHO POSTS TITLES THEIR POST!" Can you stand the increadible excitement?

[acid]

>inv
You are carrying:
Trout(30234)
Pebble(-1)
empty Machine gun

>use trout
you eat one of your trout. You feel less hungry but you are still falling.

>use trout on jet
you eat one of your trout. You feel less hungry but you are still falling.

>use trout on jet engine
you eat one of your trout. You feel less hungry but you are still falling.

>use trout as gas for jet
you stuff one of your trout into the gas port. It explodes, but the oil gives the jet a little more gas.

>land safely
not enough gas.

>use 5 trout as gas for jet
*ERROR!* unknown command!

>use trout as gas for jet
you stuff one of your trout into the gas port. It explodes, but the oil gives the jet a little more gas.

>use trout as gas for jet
you stuff one of your trout into the gas port. It explodes, but the oil gives the jet a little more gas.

>use trout as gas for jet
you stuff one of your trout into the gas port. It explodes, but the oil gives the jet a little more gas.

>use trout as gas for jet
you stuff one of your trout into the gas port. It explodes, but the oil gives the jet a little more gas.

>use trout as gas for jet
you stuff one of your trout into the gas port. It explodes, but the oil gives the jet a little more gas.

>land safely
not enough gas.

>!@#$
*error!* unknown command!

>look around
you are inside a jet. The oil from 6 trouts is burning in the engine behind you. You are rapidly decreasing altitude.
Dashboard is here.
Engine is here.
Parachute is here.

>take all
Dashboard taken.
Engine taken.
Parachute taken.

>eject
you would eject, except for the fact that the dashboard is in your backpack, and you can't reach the button.

>drop dashboard, eject
You get propelled out of the top of the jet.

>use parachute
The parachute opens above you.



STAY TUNED FOR THE NEXT EPISODE!!!

funny, this vehicle has been a helicopter, a jetpack, a boeing, and now it's a jet!

[4I Falcon]

I thought a boeing was a jet. :confused:

[acid]

whatever.

[Coppertop]

Wot he said. Crazy:p

[Ninja]

me is so happy about this MUD format story. ;P

>curse
You swear profusely.
>load gun
You put a negative pebble inside of your gun.
>exit
North, East, Up
>up
You cannot go that way..
>?
You must be confused..
>fdsjfsd
You must be confused..
>North
You are in a clearing out of here.
>Get out of here.
You get out of here.
>cl spaz!!1111 just get me out of here!
[CLAN] 100% hear you say, "spaz!!1111 just get me out of here!"
[CLAN] Spaz says, "why"
>cl BECAUSE I'LL DIE!!!
[CLAN] 100% hear you say, "BECAUSE I'LL DIE!!!"
[CLAN] Spaz says, "o"

[acid]

Ninja, do you realize Jazz is in MIDAIR and is NOT going to die because he has a PARACHUTE?

[Violet CLM]

Suddenly, the parachute exploded..

[acid]

Jazz hung in midair for a short amount of time. Then he fell.

He watched as the ground got closer... And closer...

Three days later...

"Wow, I'm almost glad my parachute blew up. If it hadn't, I would have been up here for a few years!"

However, he was desperateley trying to get himself to land safely, and/or make his ears pop. The rapid and severe drop in altitude and increase in pressure was complete torture.

He had tried yawning, chewing bubble gum, blowing through his nose while he pinched, none of which worked.

Now that the ground was three days closer, he had focused on trying to get himself to land safely. He checked his inventory.

He still had -1 pebble, an empty machine gun, 30225 trout, and the Boeing engine.

He didn't think the -1 pebble or gunor engine would help, definitely. He could make himself a cushion out of the trout, but the trout would become angered and blast guts all over Jazz and explode.

Then he thought of the gun he had bought along even when he was just supposed to have a flashlight. He found some TNT ammo. As an experiment, he tried blowing one up under him. His fall slowed for a few seconds, but then he resumed the breakneck speed. The ground couldn't be more than a minute away now...

At just the right moment, Jazz detonated all of his TNT, bringing him to a safe stop on the ground. Wiping the sweat from his forehead, he looked at his new surroundings...

[4I Falcon]

, rubbing his sore butt. All that detonation underneath him most definitely was not good for his tail fur.

Two tunnels were dug into the ground on either side of him. Jazz shined his flashlight down each one tentatively. The one to his left reflected a pale red light back at him off of its metal walls, but the tunnel itself seemed to stretch on forever. Jazz rolled his eyes. "If I have to start running for three days, I'm gonna kill someone."
He shined the light down the other tunnel. No reflection came off of the dirt walls in this tunnel, which went straight for a few dozen metres, then made a sharp turn to the right. It looked outwardly like a hastily-dug affair, as there were small piles of rocks lying about on the floor of the tunnel, and roots hanging from the roof.
Jazz sighed, made a quick decision, and took off down the dirt tunnel...

[acid]

He walked down the tunnel, but when he turned right, he was met by an emptiness similar to when you make a level in JJ2 and don't have a background.

He tried to walk into the emptiness, but was propelled backwards. A dialog box was now hovering in front of the emptiness, that said:
Warning! Room#19291782 unavailable!
Abort
Ignore

Jazz puzzled over the dialog box for a moment, then reched out and pressed the Ignore button. The dialog box vanished. Jazz decided to not take this tunnel.

[Coppertop]

With a sigh, he turned back to trudge back up the corridor. The flashlight was dimming, so he decided to hurry.
As he rounded the corner, he stopped dead. The entrance had been blocked! There was no way out. Growing increasingly frantic, Jazz tried the trout on the newly-made wall, but it didn't work. He couldn't find any TNT. And the flashlight was going out.
Desperately he looked at the ceiling and saw salvation.

[acid]

There were a lot of bat on the ceiling. Most of them looked normal, except...

"Que passa!!!"

"Batty Buddy! Thank goodness you're here!" Shouted Jazz. Batty Buddy swooped down and alighted on the floor.

"I suppose you want out?" he asked, reaching inside his backpack. "I've got just the thing. Try this."

He pulled out a large black ball. There was a string protruding out of the top. The end of it was glowing, and approaching the black sphere.

"Thanks a lot!" said Jazz. He set the bomb next to the wall and ran.

BOOM.

The wall was no more. Jazz walked out into the sunlight, which he had never appreciated so much before. He began the descent into the metal tunnel...



The first post with a WT character! If Batty Buddy does not want his character in this post, then I will change it.