PDA

View Full Version : Freedom


Violet CLM
Aug 31, 2004, 03:27 PM
When I was young, there were three sides to the galaxy; a triangle flying between the stars, snapping up each newly discovered planet and classifying it as one (and always one, as there was no overlap) of the three sides, without variation or pause. On one side, on the top side, were the rabbits. Fast, handsome, intelligent, and in charge of the galaxy. The rabbits had been brought up on a little primitive planet called Carrotus, and after a few thousand years, someone took pity on their then-pathetic little species and donated the secret of space travel. The rest you all learned in History 101 - rabbits took instantly to the stars, becoming the Galactic Rabbits, and applying their monarchical system to everyone, everywhere. Every known planet in the galaxy was marked with those little white signs displaying rabbits upon them, a constant reminder of the inescapable power they held and hold over everyone else.
On the second side, there were the turtles, my own race. Other than developing space travel without outside assistance, we turtles never did anything even remotely noteworthy, preferring to remain a slow, yet steady, species. Visiting rabbits from Carrotus would stare at us, and make jokes about our purple shells, which we dived into at the sight of danger. Rabbits always laughed at danger, and if they got killed, it didn't matter, because there were so many of them.
On the third side, of course, was the rest of the galaxy, each creature unique or generic in its own fashion, but never quite strong enough in my mind to make the triangle into a square or diamond. Sometimes, in the dead of the night, I wish some species had come out and made a name for itself, even rivaling the rabbits - a square may be pushed, and may topple over, but a triangle may neither fall nor sag, remaining always in a state of perpetual discomfort. If I were king, I'd have brought a new shape into the galaxy, a circle, in which everyone is present and everyone is equal. A round table, if you will.
When I was young, there were no thoughts of dissatisfaction - this was the way things were, and had always been, and always would be. At least, that's what I thought, until I picked up the July 2688 edition of "Which Scientist" and saw a turtle face smiling broadly up at me. "Brilliant Shellian scientist," read the headline, "discovers revolutionary new method of preserving meat indefinitely". From that day forward, I knew if that one took the chances given, turtles could be just as good, or better, than the domineering galactic rabbits. I redoubled my studies, determined to learn everything I could, as much as possible, to show those furry miracles.
At the age of 16, I was accepted into a very exclusive school for promising young minds. Besides me, there were some seven odd rabbits, a Desertian lizard, and a lisping penguin from the planet Nippius who always had to be kept cold. They were all surprised to see me in the school, and made "fun" of my being a turtle - especially two rabbits, one named Curly for his fur, and the other Athena for I don't know what. They would wait until no teachers were in sight, and then Curly would hold me against the wall while Athena used those powerful rabbit hind legs of hers to "test the density" of my shell. I briefly attempted taking a martial arts class at the local dojo, to help defend myself, but turtles are not made to be flexible, and there were certain references to copyright laws which I didn't quite understand at the time.
Bruised and angered, I finally graduated, along with the lizard, the penguin, and half the rabbits, not including Curly and Athena. Somehow, the two of them had finally been caught in the act the month before after sabotaging my life sized model of a nuclear reactor to make it blow bubbles in offensive patterns. In the jobless period that always follows graduation, I became room-mated with an elderly rat who liked to be called "Gramma", and was overly protective about practically everything. A few months later, she moved out, having found a job at some place called the "Intergalactic Repneck Bar", and telling me I could have anything she left behind. While in the midst of the ensuing raid, I found The Book.
On the outside, The Book looked innocent enough - a yellow, jacket-less affair with the words "Aesop's Fables" printed on the cover. I had heard of it before, after Athena's automated arm failed to reach some grapes growing up above, but had never actually read The Book until now. The contents changed my life forever.
There in the table of contents, bold as brass, was a marker reading "The Tortoise and the Hare". Intrigued, I flipped to the corresponding page, and read a tale of egotism and honesty, spite and self acceptance, speed and steadfastedness, bravado and brains. Every word was the truest of the true - this what was happening, in the galaxy right then, with rabbits proudly in charge and turtles plodding along behind, as it had been since the days of my youth and for however long before that. And all we had to do, as The Book said, was wait until the rabbits made one little mistake, take hold, and never ever let go.
Until that time, I began using my technical skill to gain little victories, small skirmishes which sometimes made the news, but were never enough to truly make me a noticed threat. "Shellian Terrorist," they called me, and my first victims were Curly and Athena, who had both dropped out of school after Athena was discovered to be pregnant, and were now living together in a small shack on Muckamo. Two Doofusguards busted in the door one day, and left three minutes later, job done. I'm not sure if anyone even noticed their demise.

Violet CLM
Aug 31, 2004, 03:28 PM
The big chance did not come for quite a while, until 2705, when the rabbit princess Eva Earlong attended a dinner and ball on the nearby planet of Slugion. I broke in sometime during the festivities, accompanied by my most trusted Schwarzenguard, Tuf, and quickly captured the rabbit in front of everyone, even taking a few moments to pose for the TV cameras. It was a truly glorious moment, and I shot at a few guests before the three of us made our departure. When we reached home base on planet Medivo, I gave the signal, and my agents around the galaxy began launching attacks on whatever authority there was to be found, until within no time at all, about three quarters of the known galaxy was in my grasp. "What do you want from me?" demanded the princess, when I swept in to inform her of my conquests.
"You are merely a worthless pawn in my plan," I responded, smiling happily. "With their beloved princess in my clutches, the rabbits will surrender to me, and I will become king!" King. Even saying the word felt glorious - ruling above the rabbits, even ruling Carrotus, finally no longer forced to bow down before their stupid furry faces every day of every year of my life. "What do you have against rabbits?" she asked, allowing me to vent my frustration for the first time I could remember. I hardly knew where to begin with their condemnations.
"Their disgusting, vile attitudes!" I growled, and then, realizing that would mean nothing to her, brought in the main reason for my enlightenment. "Like the one in "The Tortoise and the Hare". What evil, maniacal creatures you all are!"
To emphasize the point, I included some maniacal laughter of my own, but the rabbit princess was no longer listening, instead choosing to make some snide remark about the "White Album" indicating she had understood nothing of what I had just said. Typical, really.
It was in this state of happiness and self-fulfillment that the news which I had alternatively hoped for and dreaded arrived. The Galactic Rabbits had decided not to play ball by surrendering Carrotus and their claim to the galaxy - instead, they were sending one rabbit against me, a small, green, naked affair named Jazz Jackrabbit. I had heard of Jazz once or twice before, usually in connection with some deed of "heroism" or other, though he never seemed to get involved with my acts of "terrorism". We met a few days later on the planet Diamondus, where my turtle goons were harvesting gems from the soil, and which Jazz was determined to reclaim for the Galactic Rabbits. A sensible exchange of words was attempted, but the green fool went off into some random sentiment about his mother, and clouds, and blackberries, until I lost interest and shot his handhold to dust. He survived the fall, of course, and so began our battle for the galaxy.
This battle lasted for what seemed an eternity, and it was in 2706 when I found that the rabbit had infiltrated the Turtle-Gunner Destroyers I had been building to destroy Carrotus. One of my masterpieces had already been destroyed by this one animal. Obviously there was a reason, after all, why rabbits had become the dominant species of the galaxy - they were simply so skilled in the military ways. I do not know what would have happened if Carrotus was a democracy when they gained space travel, but their militant behavior certainly paid off in the galaxy I know of.
None of my turtle troops - not even the enormously powerful Schwarzenguards, or the armored Armor-Doofi - seemed to work against the small, gun carrying furball. The only solution, as it seemed to me, was to build a better rabbit... bigger, stronger, faster, tougher, and working for me. I could build it. I had the technology. When Jazz returned from the second Turtle-Gunner Destroyer, looking for the Earlong girl, I had my enormous Rabbit Robot ready and waiting for him. And yet, with blaster in hand and courage in his eyes, he defeated even that - the memory of my goliath lying broken upon the ground still pains me to this day. The Rabbit Robot and the Battleships had all fallen, my mightiest weapons, and with them, my very dream itself. What was the use? Turtles could never be superior to rabbits when the rabbits were all like Jazz. Tired, dejected, I escaped before he could find me, and returned home to the small apartment wherein I had originally found The Book.
The apartment, however, was not as empty as I had left it a few years before. Reclined on the bed, waiting for me, was my younger sister, Dolores... though she always insisted upon being called Dell. Logically enough, Dell had heard of my actions, and typically, had come to aid me whether I wanted it or not. I was ready and willing to retire, to give up my dreams of conquest and galactic union, but Dell's energy had only just begun. We talked of rabbits, and turtles, and guns, and many other things, and by the time Dell was ready to go home, my anger and purpose had been rekindled. I kidnapped Eva once more, this time right from under Jazz's nose, in disguise as a Galactic Taxi driver, and went with her and Tuf to Decksta, a space station I had previously constructed and forgotten about.
And yet, after re-conquering several other planets, Jazz came to Decksta, and destroyed it. Enraged, I deported Eva to Holidaius, and retreated to the planet Lagunicus for my final showdown with Jazz. It was short and to the point - I was once more utterly defeated. And a few months later, when I crashed Jazz's wedding to Eva, and attempted to rewrite history so he had never been born, I failed again, this time at the hands of both Jazz and his younger brother.
Now here I am, in the deepest, darkest corner of hell itself, buried alive with my time machine under an enormous pile of rocks. I think of how I have led my life. It is true that I have failed, but I failed while fighting for a righteous and logical idea - the idea that all creatures are created Equal, and are thus endowed with certain unalienable rights, among those being life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. Turtles can never have these rights, can never be Equal, while rabbits continue to rule the galaxy as they have for as long as I can remember.
A sound from overhead breaks my concentration. It is a thin, piercing sound, accompanied by a blast of light and debris. A large opening has been created in the rocks above me. I climb out to meet my rescuer, my sister, once again returned without warning when I needed her most.
The war for freedom is not yet over. But before I can defeat the rabbits, I must first defeat Jazz, and Spaz, and any other random accomplices he can dredge up. And next time, be it through violence, or politics, or subversion, or any other form of warfare, I shall not be operating alone.

~Devan Shell

Risp_old
Aug 31, 2004, 03:48 PM
Well, that sure is atypical. As in, good atypical.

Iam Canadian
Aug 31, 2004, 04:51 PM
That was quite interesting. Devan always seemed to be a bit of a one-dimensional villain, but you've given him motivation, a history, and all that other good stuff that makes a character who they are. I especially liked how you managed to fit episodes A, B, C and Holiday Hare into the storyline. Myself, I always thought A, B and C occured somewhere between "Gene Machine" and "The Chase is on", and the Holiday Hares simply not existing, but your way makes much more sense. Good job.

Lem_Gambino
Aug 31, 2004, 09:17 PM
I like this story. I can see Devan giving some sort of evil villain speech, about how he wants to have equal rights for all living beings, then turning around and taking it all for himself...

Nah, that would never work. This story is much better. I'd like to see Dell in a future story sometime.

Violet CLM
Aug 31, 2004, 11:14 PM
A message from Strato prompted me to clarify this a bit. This is stand-alone, a one shot, it is not a continuing story, there won't be additional chapters. In retrospect, the ending does make it feel a bit like a prologue, but it's not. (Not Directly, at least - I don't want to burn any bridges)

Doubble Dutch
Sep 1, 2004, 06:19 AM
Oooh, can I continue it?

Violet CLM
Sep 1, 2004, 05:08 PM
Uhh... if you want. Go ahead.

cooba
Sep 2, 2004, 07:42 AM
Muckamok* Sluggion* Deckstar*

Besides... fascinating. ANGST! ^.^

Doubble Dutch
Sep 2, 2004, 08:22 AM
Continuation.

So here I sit, a thousand abandoned plans in front of me. It is obvious that my previous plans contained some flaw, but what eludes me. By all reasoning Jazz should have perished on Diamondus. I just didn't get it. All my genius, foolproof plans, all destroyed by just three individuals. How was that possible? I had taken everything into account. In exasperation I hit the table in front of me. Several sheets of paper and the book which I had placed nearby for inspiration fell on the floor. Wearily I bent down to pick them up.
The book had fallen open on a fable I had not read in a long time, titled simplt 'The Mule' As I read the short entry the moral of the story struck me, every truth has two sides. Suddenly a new path was apparent to me, I had certainly tried to take advantage of the Rabbits weaknesses, but I had never truly tried to discover what those weaknesses were! I obviously would need to study my foe more closely but how?
It was hours before I hit upon a solution, something so simple that a child could have thought of it. It would be a simple matter to go to Carrotus disguised, my appearance would be no problem, all Turtles looked alike to the Rabbits.

The next morning I was at the spaceport, which was crowded with Rabbits as usual. Only the Rabbits took pride in gloating over thier successes. They bent every planet to their will, surely it couldn't be too long before they destroyed one. No one noticed my, hardly surprising, even among Turtles I was hardly an imposing figure, but I was still worried. My 'disguise' consisted of little more than a tatty coat and new glases. Surely someone would notice?
I needn't have worried. Most of the Rabbits were too busy, pushing past in hurrying as usual. Those that did notice me were more concerned with laughing at the spectacle af a Turtle dodging the rapidly moving feet.
I had managed to hire a ship along with a Rabbit by the name of Hansel Veld; an engineer who was heading to Carrotus to work at one of their many military instalations. Although he didn't give me any information about his future employers, I did have a fascinating discussion about telentric feilds and plasma interaction. Had he known that a nanotechnic device disguised as a watch was recording his body movements, speech and thought patterns, I'm sure he would have been a lot less talkative.

"So you're heading to Carrotus too?"

"Oh yes, I plan on getting work there."

"Indeed, odd to see a Turtle heading to the center of our great empire, but then again, it is the greatest planet in the galaxy! By the way, what did you say you name was again?"

"Ash, Ash Vendell."

"Ah"

Our conversation thus concluded I spent the remainder of the trip planing my assimilation into the Rabbit society. It would be difficult, Rabbits held Turtles in contempt, and I would be under suspicion, especially on Carrotus. But I was confident my intelligence and dilligence would see my successs.

cooba
Sep 2, 2004, 10:59 AM
Dutchie's such a desperate to write a continuation.

Anyway, it seems to be a very kewl continuation. No complaints on it at all.

Violet CLM
Sep 2, 2004, 11:43 AM
Hmmm. Very nice.

"Indeed, odd to see a Turtle heading to the center of our great empire, but then again, it is the greatest planet in the galaxy!"
I think this line is the most interesting. I mainly avoided the issue of whether or not rabbits actually think the way Devan believes they do, but this guy certainly seems to. And it's nice to get another fable in there.

4I Falcon
Sep 5, 2004, 03:38 PM
By the way, UR, this is possibly one of the most imaginative things I've ever seen you come up with. What I wouldn't do to have such a power of lateral thought like you.

It works better as a standalone.

Doubble Dutch
Oct 13, 2004, 07:20 AM
Indeed it does. Oh well.

Landing at Carrotus largest spaceport, I found myself practically on the doorstep of Carrotus castle. This really was not coincidence, nor planning on my part. Carrotus only had two spaceports, and only one that was accessible by the public. Granted there were many smaller landing points, but most of Carrotus remained in the backwards state so favored by rabbits.
I had a straightforward plan, to use what little money I had to obtain lodgings from which to observe the general rabbit population. I would have to stay away from the castle and surrounding city, as it was home to my nemesis, and many others who could penetrate my disguise. It was a simple plan, almost foolproof. Little did I know how different things would turn out.

I had barely departed the spaceport and was trying to find transport out of town when there was a piercing yell from behind me. Turning around all I had time to see was a red blur before I was knocked to the ground, there standing over me with a gun pointed directly at me was none other than Spaz Jackrabbit. "Die Devan!" he yelled. I shut my eyes and waited for the inevitable.
There was a shot, a yell and a woman’s voice saying "Spaz, what the hell do you think you're doing?" I opened my eyes, the bullet had missed me by inches and Spaz was being restrained by a younger yellow rabbit. "But sis, he's Devan Shell!" It took me a few seconds to realize he was addressing the yellow rabbit, he had a sister? Yes, Lauren I think it was. I had heard something about her causing trouble for me. Which meant I was now in the company of two Jackrabbits, who would any minute realize who I was Crud.

Lauren released her brother. "Nonsense, honestly Spaz, sometimes I worry. Excuse me sir, I'm so sorry, its just that he tends to view everything as either edible or destructible. Are you okay?" It took me just under ten seconds to realize that not only had she failed to recognize me, she was actually apologizing for her brothers actions. Surely and even idiot could tell by my shell markings who I was. It was about then I realized just how oblivious rabbits were. I had been aware they used different visual cues to identify others than Turtles did, but the sheer magnitude of difference was astounding. "Uh, are you alright?" she asked, obviously perplexed at my silence. "Oh, uh yes, I'm just a little shocked that’s all I just arrived and I was hoping to find work." I replied hastily. "Yeah, Spaz has that effect on people. Oh, and I’m Lori, Lori Jackrabbit. So what are job are you planning on getting?" I couldn't believe I was having a conversation with someone who would probably kill me in a second if they knew who I was. I didn't know whether to burst out laughing or flee for my life. "Oh, anything that will make use of my scientific knowledge." I replied.

Now if I had kept my mouth shut, I could have finished what I originally came to Carrotus for, left in a few days and continued with my campaign for equality. Instead things were to turn out far better, and worse than I could ever have expected. "Really?" said Lori "Well, since my brother kinda tried to kill you and everything, I could put in a good word at the palace, the Queens looking for a new scientific advisor." I'm not sure how long I stood there staring blankly. The palace? Center of the monarchistic centered rabbit powerbase? There was no telling what I could do if I had access even for a few hours! It was a golden opportunity. On the other hand if I was caught, a real possibility given recent events, then I probably wouldn't be more than a day away from execution. "Uh, sure." I said "It would be an honor to even be considered for the position. By the way, uh what happened to the last advisor?" "Well," said Lori "He kinda questioned policy a little too much, but I hear that hr's holding a position of high office on some planet called Mercaptil." "Ah, you mean the distant colony located on a planet that has an atmosphere that smells like Muckamuk dragged through a sewer?" "Um, yeah, I guess, but it’s probably not that bad."
Great, I could either win a decisive victory for my cause, or end up dead or on a sewer planet. Great rewards and great risk, nothing I hadn't dealt with before.

Violet CLM
Oct 13, 2004, 01:11 PM
I like this more than your first part, though I'd like to see what Spaz was doing during the conversation. Devan getting a job with Carrotus Castle reminds me of Jazztrek, but I'm guessing this will be more serious. Probably a good thing.

4I Falcon
Oct 14, 2004, 08:10 AM
I don't know. No offense to you, DD, but I still like UR's individual two-post segment on its own.

Doubble Dutch
Oct 16, 2004, 05:05 AM
Yeah, jis writing is far superior to mine. [/envy]

Anubis
Oct 27, 2004, 01:59 AM
what an exciting story...

Doubble Dutch
Apr 27, 2005, 05:24 AM
Yes, I am still breathing, just very, very slowly.

The rest of the day passed uneventfully. [I was kicked down some stairs, that nutcase of a rabbit had pinned a kick me sign on my shell.] I managed to find some cheap accommodation with a pompous git of a rabbit who spent the entire night telling me about his family history. The next morning, bright and early I arrived at the castle, explained why I was there [twice] to two guards who acted like they were juggling one brain cell between them, and was shown in to the Queens chamber.

Have you ever seen those movies where someone is walking down a long spooky corridor? Where all the pictures seem to look right at you? Where you know there is some kind of horror just on the other side of the door? The rabbits had that feeling down pat. Just walking to the chamber meant walking along a corridor so long that logic shouldn't allow it, crammed full of rusting old suits of armor and portraits of past rulers. [All of them in some heroic pose of course, Lord forbid any family actually paint someone as they actually were.] At the end was the obligatory large wooden door.

It probably wasn't the main chamber or throne room or anything, more like the kind of room a noble is murdered in on a stormy night. For one, it was very poorly lit; four spluttering candles in the corners didn't so much light the room as outline the darkness. It was large, big enough that I couldn't see the ceiling [Although that wasn't difficult in such light.] And it was empty, or close to it. Apart from some old and decrepit looking tapestries, the only other object in the room was some sort of throne. On which was sitting the Queen.

I had heard several of my officers use the expression 'built like a brick skithouse', but only at that moment did I really understand it. The Queen wasn't so much sitting, as poured onto, the chair. She looked as though someone had decided to carve a golem out of stone, given up halfway and converted the result into flesh. She sat there with the look of someone who was sitting on a handful of thumbtacks, but won't give you the pleasure of showing pain. She barely looked up as I entered, and when she did it was with the same disdainful stare one would give a piece of especially unpleasant muck on ones' shoe. When she spoke it was with a voice that seemed to ooze discontentment.

"Well, you're the only one who applied for this job, so lets make this quick. I drink three standard glass of sherry a day, how much have I drunk in the last six years?"

I had been ready for this; it was always the same with rabbits. If you could add and multiply fast, they thought you were a genius. Given the size of a standard glass [an outdated unit I must add] and the number of days in six years...

"Four hundred and eighty six liters." I answered quickly.

"Four hundred and sixty six liters I believe" said the Queen coldly. I checked my calculations, I couldn’t have made a mistake, so then what... ah.

"Of course." I replied smoothly. "You are correct; I must have made a mistake."

There was a pause before the queen continued. "Very well, you will start today. I will have someone escort you to your accommodation, but let me make one thing clear. I do not see why I should actually have a Scientific Advisor, but several people assure me I must. I don't care what it is you do, or where, or with who. Just stay out of my way and don't interfere with important business." With that she went back to whatever it was she was doing, and I quietly left the room.

And ran straight into Jazz Jackrabbit.

Lem_Gambino
Apr 27, 2005, 08:27 AM
Well, this is awesome. =D This plot would make a great JJ3 game if it ever existed.

Doubble Dutch
Jul 11, 2005, 05:44 AM
Yes, I am still around, submitting your email adresses to spammers and trolls for money.


I'm quite sure that after this had all blown over, whenever he retold the story of these events in whatever dingy smoke filled bar he visits, Jazz would always make a special note of our first confrontation. How I jumped a foot in the air in shock, how I glared at him with barely suppressed hatred, grit my teeth and tried [unsuccessfully of course] to crush his hand when we shook. And how he knew it was me from the very start. And, like most bar room tales, it would be total crud.

Although quite surprised, the encounter of the previous day had quite prepared me for any other such occurrences and I betrayed no sign whatsoever of my actual identity. Jazz walked briskly across to me and held out a hand. "Wow, you're the new science guy huh? I've never seen anyone go through an interview with the Queen and emerge without being deafened before! What’d ya say to her? I could really use a few tips."

I shook his hand warmly and informed him, somewhat smugly, that I thought the Queen was actually quite a nice person. I honestly believe that if I could only lock Jazz and the Queen in the same room for 5 minutes, all my worries would be over. This line of thinking was cut short however, by a shout that dislodged small loose chunks of masonry from the ceiling.

"Jazz Jackrabbit?!! Is that you?! Come in here right this minute! We have some things to discuss!"

"Uuuh, just showing the new science guy around! Talktoyalaterseeyagoodbye!"

And with that I was [rather hurriedly] shown out and to my new 'office' It was a large and rather spacious and drafty room on the top of the tower of art, reached by about a thousand steps. [Elevator? is that something like this 'electricity' I keep hearing of?] The entire room swayed back and forth with the slightest breeze. It was leaky and rundown, with a rather large hole in the roof, a rather damp mildew patch below that, and against all logic, a rather complete collection of at least moderately up-to-date scientific equipment. Whoever had used this place last had at least managed a good grasp of modern scientific research. Despite being somewhat dusty, most of the four benches worth of atomizers, spectral analyzers and microelement mass spectroscopes were in functioning condition and neatly packed ready to use. There was also an impressive collection of funnily shaped glass tubes and beakers containing dyed water. [A must for any laboratory, people may be impressed by a big white box wired to a computer that could tell them what they ate that morning, but what will really amaze them is colorful bubbling stuff.] The view wasn't too bad either. From the window you could see the entire castle, and several surrounding towns. It would be the perfect place to observe all the goings on below. You could just imagine someone locking themselves in as a last ditch attempt to evade attackers, raining glass shards and smashed equipment onto those below.

There was also, in the far corner a cubicle containing a bed, reading lamp, drawers full of clothing and a bookcase of relevant literature. By the look of the opened and partially packed suitcase on the bed, whoever had used this last left in an awful hurry.

"Hey! Ashy! So you're the new guy! What a coincidence huh?" I turned at the familiar sound of the rabbit’s voice. It was my 'roommate' from the previous night. His name was Raven Sable, whom I had gathered from the previous night's conversation, was the kind of person that couldn't find his tail in the bathtub, but believed that they could lead an army into battle because their grandfather lead a group of drunken violent thugs to a glorious victory over another group of similarly drunk and violent thugs. [This was followed of course by the usual slaughtering of women, children and elderly.] He was tall, even for a rabbit, with red fur all over. Even his eyes were more red than brown, and he emitted an air of self assurance and arrogance that draws the weak-minded like flies. From what I had gathered he guarded one of the cells in the lower dungeon, but hoped that one day he would get his chance to show off his real skills in an attack of some sort where his courage and bravery would see him defeat unbeatable odds. He was therefore, the exact kind of person one would want in charge of your enemies’ army.

"What'd I tell ya? As soon as I saw you I thought 'There's someone who’s going somewhere!' I told you you had an intelligent profile; it runs in the family I'll bet. Hey, wanna go down to the cafeteria? They're serving chili for lunch." Given that I had no money and hadn't eaten in over a week, I was starting to feel a little hungry [reptile metabolism.] and besides, Raven was the kind of person who didn't really care what you thought, just as long as it intersected with his opinions somewhere. So it was that we made our way to lunch and I enjoyed another half hour of his insightful jabbering. You see, until the rabbits had been given space flight and thus began eliminating other species, they had occupied themselves with eliminating each other. Of course now everything was peaceful and settled, but Raven [and he assured me, many, many right thinking folk] remembered that their neighbors belonged to the such-and-suches, who were by their very nature deceitful and dishonest.

This conversation was made more bearable by the fact that Raven intensely hated Jazz Jackrabbit and his entire family even more than I did. It was he said, an insult that a common soldier should marry the princess and to add insult to injury, invite his entire 'dreadfully common' family to lounge around the castle freeloading. I enjoyed a relatively entertaining half hour of trading insults and rumors about my adversary before retiring to my new lodgings to formulate a plan to take advantage of my new position of power.

Sadly, this was not to be, the combination of curried carrots and fresh carrot juice disagreed with me violently and I spent the afternoon incapable of doing much more than being sick. On a positive note, while leaning out of the tower window, I managed to score a direct hit on an unfortunate rabbit below.