My complaint about the phone company

I am writing on behalf of myself and a few of my friends to state that I experienced quite an epiphany when I first realized that the phone company has a hidden agenda. For most of the facts I'm about to present, I have provided documentation and urge you to confirm these facts for yourself if you're skeptical. The phone company, please spare us the angst of living in a fallen world. The phone company is obviously trying to threaten national security, and unless we act now, it'll certainly succeed. While the concept of broad-based peace and social justice coalitions remains desirable, the phone company somehow manages to get away with spreading lies (ignorant flakes are all inherently good, sensitive, creative, and inoffensive), distortions (it has its moral compass in tact), and misplaced idealism (the best way to reduce cognitive dissonance and restore homeostasis to one's psyche is to support hostile governments known for human rights abuses, wrongful imprisonment, and slavery). However, when I try to respond in kind, I get censored faster than you can say "syncategorematically". In the end, we have to ask, "How long shall there continue egocentric beatniks to vend and revolting, soulless yokels to gulp so low a piece of Comstockism as the phone company's propositions?" The complete answer to that question is a long, sad story. I've answered parts of that question in several of my previous letters, and I'll answer other parts in future ones. For now, I'll just say that if, five years ago, I had described an organization like the phone company to you and told you that in five years, it'd hinder economic growth and job creation, you'd have thought me insolent. You'd have laughed at me and told me it couldn't happen. So it is useful now to note that, first, it has happened and, second, to try to understand how it happened and how to get even the simplest message into the consciousness of sinful hermits, it has to be repeated at least 50 times. Now, I don't want to insult your intelligence by telling you the following 50 times, but if we point out that the emperor has no clothes on, then the sea of elitism, on which it so heavily relies, will begin to dry up. Is there a chance that the phone company isn't unruly, sanctimonious, and diabolic? From what I've seen, I doubt it.

My intention here is not just to discuss the programmatic foundations of the phone company's childish obiter dicta in detail, but also to strip the unjust power from those who seek power over others and over nature. The phone company's hangers-on all have serious personal problems. In fact, the way it keeps them loyal to it is by encouraging and exacerbating these problems rather than by helping to overcome them. Someone once said to me, "Whenever I ponder over the meanings and implications of the phone company's cantankerous jeremiads, I feel little peace." This phrase struck me so forcefully that I have often used it since.

We must unmistakably deal summarily with bloodthirsty twaddlers. Does that sound extremist? Is it too violent for you? I'm sorry if it seems that way, but that's life.

Individually, the phone company's announcements treat anyone who doesn't agree with the phone company to a torrent of vitriol and vilification. But linked together, the phone company's ebullitions could waste taxpayers' money. The phone company's bromides manifest themselves in two phases. Phase one: marginalize and eventually even outlaw responsible critics of unctuous simpletons. Phase two: implement a sinister parody of justice called "the phone company-ism". A final note: The phone company frequently demands reparations for what only it perceives as injustices committed against it.