When I used to hear about illiterate students graduating from school, I often wondered how that was possible. But after encountering some of Microsoft's more immature holier-than-thou attitudes, I now realize that not only is it possible for people to graduate without having learned fundamental skills such as reading and writing, but that it's possible for these same people to believe that some people deserve to feel safe while others do not. Before I start, however, I should state that to understand what Microsoft's particularly brown-nosing form of paternalism has encompassed as a movement and as a system of rule, we have to look at its historical context and development as a form of daft politics that first arose in early twentieth-century Europe in response to rapid social upheaval, the devastation of World War I, and the Bolshevik Revolution. Socrates was condemned to death by the city of Athens for his views. I hope I don't receive the same treatment for saying that Microsoft claims that dishonest, unconscionable mystics are inherently good, sensitive, creative, and inoffensive. Well, I beg to differ. Given the range and unpredictability of human behavior, it is quite possible that Microsoft tries to make us think the way it wants us to think, not by showing us evidence and reasoning with us, but by understanding how to push our emotional buttons.

I find that I am embarrassed. Embarrassed that some people just don't realize that Microsoft should think about how its opinions lead whiney trolls to goad the most loud bottom-feeders you'll ever see into hurling epithets at its enemies. If Microsoft doesn't want to think that hard, perhaps it should just keep quiet. While it is not my purpose to incriminate or exculpate or vindicate or castigate, Microsoft can't possibly believe that its slurs won't be used for political retribution. It's stupid, but it's not that stupid.

It's not just that Microsoft is the root of all evil, but also that I do not propose a supernatural solution to the problems we're having with it. Instead, I propose a practical, realistic, down-to-earth approach that requires only that I reverse the devolutionary course Microsoft has set for us. Microsoft talks loudly about family values and personal responsibility, but when it comes to backing up those words with actions, all it does is defile the present and destroy the future. While everybody believes in something, Microsoft's simple faith in absenteeism will judge people by the color of their skin while ignoring the content of their character. We must teach vengeful, incomprehensible meatheads about tolerance in such as way that there is nothing Microsoft can do about it except learn to live with the fait accompli. I wish I could put it more delicately, but that would miss the point. Believe it or not, Microsoft's speeches are full of declamation, bloviation, obfuscation, and equivocation. Sadly, lack of space prevents me from elaborating further.

Microsoft's stratagems are not witty satire, as it would have you believe. They're simply the tendentious ramblings of something that has no idea or appreciation of what it's mocking. Need I point out that Microsoft is a bad role model for children? I could accept, perhaps, stupid stories backed by the forces of logic and powerful reasoning. Arguments marked with hypocrisy and contradiction, however, merit none of my respect. As we don our battle fatigues, let's at least be clear about what we're fighting for: Our war is not about reducing the deficit, not about ending welfare for the rich, and not about the largesse or responsibility of private philanthropy. All we want is for Microsoft's apologists not to portray myopic, self-absorbed converts to philistinism as sad sacks.

As part of its efforts to gain a mainstream following, Microsoft publishes the Journal of Pushy Expansionism. Included alongside articles discussing history, culture, art, religion, and philosophy are endorsements of Microsoft's plans to shower unimaginative anarchists with undeserved praise. Some manipulative, uncouth big-mouths have raised objections to my proposed social programs, but their objections are all politically motivated. I'll let you in on a little secret: we must reach out to people with the message that Microsoft is an organization with more ambition than conviction. We must alert people of that. We must educate them. We must inspire them. And we must encourage them to delegitimize it. Okay, I've written enough for one letter, so let me just finish by saying that Microsoft lectures us about alcoholism so often that it may soon become a major source of hearing loss.



~pranx0rific DM