Once upon a time, there lived an evil man named Count Sucku;a (with the semicolon, but pronounced "Suckula"). Sucku;a, while not a vampire, enjoyed the taste of blood greatly. Even though not a vampire, Sucku;a was a very rare breed of werewolf. Every waning crescent moon, he would go outside, scream in the moon's general direction, and turn into a female iguana.
Sucku;a was a well-dressed man in his late thirties who always carried one of those fancy folded napkin things in his right shirt pocket. He lived in a 200 story mansion in the land of Mordor, on the forest moon of Endor. Today would have been a normal day for him, except it wasn't. Today, Sucku;a was going to try to get his terrorist hunting license... again.
He walked down the sidewalk to the local terrorist hunting center. Once there, Dubya was waiting for him.
"Here to try for yar license again?" Dubya asked.
"Yup," the Count replied.
So Dubya led Sucku;a to the testing room and handed him a rifle and said "shoot the ones that look bad." Cardboard cutouts of many random people began to pop out of the walls. Sucku;a sniped down as many as he could. When the simulation was over, Dubya told him his status.
"Well," Dubya began, "you shot all the Canadians, and we like to believe they're our allies. And you missed Dick Cheney. Sorry, Count, I'll have to fail you... again"
Sucku;a walked away, depressed. He went back to his 200 story mansion and plopped down to watch the Three Topless Banditos reality show on Fox. Suddenly, the telephone rang. The red telephone. It had been fifteen years since the red telephone rang. Sucku;a picked it up. "Hello," he said.
"Master Sucku;a!" the voice began.
He immediately knew who it was. "I'm retired, Alfred," he yelled into the phone, and then abruptly hung up.
He began walking back to the television, but paused. He turned to face a dusty old chest hidden in the corner. Slowly, he opened it, finding his old Colonel Colon uniform. He missed the old days of being a superhero, saving damsels in distress, and jumping around buildings without falling. Yeah, jumping around buildings without falling. That was the best part.
He continued walking and sat down in front of his television again. All of a sudden, the TV blanked out to a screen reading "Special Report". Sucku;a leaned forward in interest.
Barbara Walter's face came on. "It has been reported that there is a new evil duo on the loose," she explained, "the Wicked Witch of the West has teamed up with a dark Jedi named Ala'kronah'tak'kal'zhon, AKA 'The Unpronounceable One'. Surveys suggest they plan on wrecking havoc all over the planet. This is Barbara Walters, special report".
"On no!" Sucku;a said aloud. This must've been what Alfred was warning him about. Almost by instinct, be began running towards his Colonel Colon uniform. He stopped. For a moment, he had almost forgot he had retired. "I'll just go see what's happening," he thought, and walked out the door. Why jump across buildings when you could just take your fancy $200,000 car?