This is a story I have been working on for the past 7 days (inaccuracy: + or - 7 days). I wrote it partially because I was a big Douglas Adams fan and partially because I was spurred on by his 'The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy' trilogy of four (which has 5 books). I'm not entirely clear as to what my story is. A parody of Douglas Adams' work or just a 'general mish mash' of stolen things. You decide. Hint: Read the Hitchhiker's trilogy first. Get ready...

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the JJ2 Galaxy

Chapter 1

Some called it the paradise for Jazzers. Others called it a utopia and that it couldn’t fit the game of JJ2 any better. There were a few who thought that it was the fifth eternal city of the world. The sensible and down-to-earth, however, simply called it ‘Jazz2City’. This city was a huge fish in a tiny pond. To put it more accurately, it was a big city about a small game. Some people would argue that for a game to be small its original contents should take up no more than 50mb of hard drive space. Although they are right, those people don’t realize that JJ2 is not only small in size but also that it is just…a small game.
One of the 35, 507 people (which is pretty much the whole JJ2 galaxy – except that perhaps the population doesn’t include ex-Jazzers who left the game before year 2000) who were oblivious to the fact that JJ2 is a small game goes by the name of Stuart Black. Stuart was a simple rabbit. He lives on 13th Tileset Street in the general neighbourhood of Downloads in a nice (opinions differ about this part), little (everyone unanimously agree on this part) house he called Mez04. Why 04? Because it was the 4th house he lived in. Numbers 1 to 3 were simply too large and too complicated but since Mez04 only has 9 tiles; Stuart was easily able to build and furnish himself a more or less uncomfortable abode. He worked a few blocks away on 67th Tileset Avenue, at the factory of Submit Tileset. Stuart was a tileset masker. Contrary to popular belief, it was not the author of the tileset in J2C that masked his tileset. It was Stuart.

In order to minimize the shock and confusion the reader will surely feel when he continues down the chapters of this book, the author has decided to mention a few basic facts about the JJ2 galaxy:
1. If it doesn’t make sense, it will probably never make sense.
2. If you would like to disobey fact 1, and I mean REALLY want to, then you can always buy a Molecular Omni-Rearranging Pedagogic Hammer machine (aka a JCS morph). Use it to turn yourself into a rabbit. See the non-existant footnote for the possible side effects of this machine.
3. Strange things can happen in a computer-game universe closed off from reality. Research is underway by top rabbit scientists to find out why this is the case. A plausible conclusion (as opposed to the previous several hundred un-plausible ones) is expected when Hell melts again. Meanwhile, be a friend and stay patient.
4. As mentioned in fact 1, a lot of things here won’t make sense. If you definitely cannot possibly conceive and/or comprehend any of the events in this story, tough luck. Get a more advanced brain. (Preferably above mammalian level 17, class: primate).
5. Rabbits, unlike humans, have mastered space travel, eating pasta in space, fighting in space and, therefore, know quite a lot about space. Prepare yourself for a lot of interstellar action.

As the city got more and more popular, hundreds upon hundreds of tilesets poured in and Stuart helped to properly mask them all. He used so much of those black tiles that for some reason, he thought he should change his surname to ‘Black’. He did. His real surname is actually ‘White’.
Of course, he wasn’t the only tileset masker in town. The snobbish guys at 69th Tileset Avenue, who worked in the better factory with the oddly familiar name of Submit Tileset, were serious rivals of Stuart.
Stuart was all hard-work and liked, especially when he was drunk and began to fade in and out of consciousness, to get down-and-dirty. He took pride in being the winner of the 1999 Best Masked Tileset award. Unfortunately, Stuart shared the prize with the author, who decided to give the poor rabbit a serious bashing using one of the sharper pieces of masked tiles. Stuart, in the far future, tried to get his revenge by again working on the same author’s new tileset. He began his scheme of vengeance by masking the air and unmasking the ground but that only led to the author of the tileset getting praised for creating a seriously original tileset. Stuart was seriously annoyed. Anyway, Stuart and the guys at 69, who I have yet to name, wanted to head their very own factory. This was a problem for Stuart more than the guys at 69, because they already owned factory number 69 while Stuart was still slaving away with old, rusty tools like Paint when masking his tilesets while the guys at 69 had access to the slightly better Paint 2. Paint 2 is better because not only does it allow its user to save 0.45 milliseconds faster, thus improving efficiency, but it also had on it large friendly letters saying ‘Double-click here to open’.
The snobbish guys at number 69, however, were more business-like than the Steven Wakeman when he judged uploads. Those people would bribe, blackmail, bomb, send insults to their rivals’ mothers and, on top of that, not bother with any paper work (yeah, this was normal business in J2C). Stuart considered these perfectly clean tricks to be dirty (unbeknownst to him, Stuart was capable of believing in two opposite things at the same time – this would have been seen as a great advantage in some Douglas Adams books…but serves no useful purpose here). So, by staying away from the tactics used by the snobbish guys at 69, who I will now give the uninspired name of ‘The Maskers’, the Maskers managed to gain a sizable proportion of the tileset masking company they worked for. The company, not wanting to give up too much power, decided to hand over the rather obscure factory at 67th Tileset Avenue. This led to Stuart’s job being pretty much in the control of the Maskers.
Stuart thought that if they had gotten so far, they would surely see that enough was enough and stop their competition with Stuart. After 4 hours of deep thinking, Stuart decided he should not at all be worried and that the Maskers were actually perfectly nice people. After 5 hours, Stuart was fired.

Chapter 2

Of the several tens of workers in the factory Stuart was working in, only two were fired. And one of them was actually a faulty 56k modem that accidentally strayed into the path of the lag-hating mayor of the city: DethMan. The modem, Unigma, couldn’t help feeling sorry for Stuart, so he (yeah, the modem was sentient and very, very self-conscious) invited Stuart over for a cup of carrotea.
‘You know, my home compromises of just one 15x28x19 cm³ drawer with a telephone line’, said the modem rather hesitantly. It wasn’t used to guests and had therefore not bothered to make his room about 500 times larger.
Stuart thought for a moment. ‘Ok…’ He paused ‘Well, why don’t you go and buy some carrotea, get yourself some of…er…whatever it is your drink during teatime and come over to my place?’
Unigma promptly agreed but was rather surprised by the fact that Stuart needed such a huge house (ok, so it WASN’T unanimously agreed) when he could do with just a 40x50x60 cm³ cubicle.
Masking tilesets is a precision-job. It involves producing work with stunning accuracy and the most delicate handle of the black (colour). Some professionals, in their strive for precision and perfection, even go as far as to take a giant toothbrush, dip it in black paint and scrub stuff in the general direction of where the tile is supposed to be. A tileset masker, therefore, is generally seen as a neat person.
Stuart was, in reality, a very messy person and the only time he made an exception was when he was masking tilesets. Fortunately, it’s darn hard to be messy when your house is only made up of 9 tiles. Stuart’s house was a prime example of what is now known as ‘miscellaneous domestic neatness’. The vines, spikes and coloured rocks were all arranged symmetrically, at 90 degrees angles at all places where this was possible, and in some places where it was not. Unfortunately, it’s also darn hard to conceal your ‘miscellaneous domestic pig-sty-ness’ when you are drinking carrotea with a newly found friend.
The modem didn’t particularly mind this. Nevertheless, Unigma was always under threat from short-circuiting, electrocuting Stuart and, basically, become even more malfunctioning than he already was.

The author would like to mention, before continuing with this fascinating saga, something that would’ve cheered Stuart up a lot. Basically, failed attempts can succeed by themselves. Sometimes. This was one of those times. In the far, far future, the author of the “wrongly” masked tileset accidentally created an inter-dimensional port into the world of JJ2 whilst typing in some obscure formula into his pocket calculator. He fell right into his own tileset and, in his confusion, mistook the ground as being solid. He fell straight through the ground into the sky and the author of the seriously original tileset suddenly became seriously dead.