"True. I still demand a reason why this game isn't actually a program that runs in a command prompt."
Because it's NOT POSSIBLE?
What do you want, a library of 100 CD's and a supercomputer that are able to make something out of any kind of command given, make up witty one-liners and whatnot?

"It would be a whole lot spiffier, and I wouldn't need to take out forks and whip them at whiners like you."
..whiners.
...