Pageclaim for the longest post ever.
I turned back to the Polar Dervish, and inwardly said, "You got PWNED!" I then considered smelling the... no. That's disgusting.
"Well, given a choice between unlikely death inside a mansion, and certain death at the metallic paws of rabid zombie cyborg hyenas, I think I'd prefer the former," I replied to L33tz4n's inquiry. She nodded, then the two of us went inside.
We found ourselves inside a gigantic foyer. Dark red carpeting covered the floor, and in the center of the room hung a large, golden chandelier. Uberbob and the others were sitting in overstuffed red chairs, already filling themselves with candy from a dish on the table in front of them. I doubted that was actually intended for them.
"Ahem," said the bird-man, grabbing their attention away from the candydish. "We are going to have actual dinner soon, you know. My brother is setting the table now. My name is Talon, by the way, and you all are?"
"We're gypsies!" said Uberbob.
Araches punched him in the shoulder, then said, "We're really just travelling warriors. That's Uberbob, Shuriken, Fawriel, L33tz4n and... that thing in the canoe is Fooruman."
The archmage was examining a nearby stone wall, with a large fiery-looking mask hanging on the side. He licked the wall a few times and sat stroking his beard. "This wall tastes of-"
"STONE!" Araches interrupted. "We know! It tastes of stone! You like licking stone, so just occupy yourself doing that and don't bother anyone else."
Fooruman smiled with dissappointment. "It doesn't taste of STONE at all..." he said with a sigh.
Another green bird-man entered the room. "Ah... guests, brother?"
"Yes, some travelers," Talon answered with a sharp nod. Turning to the rest of us he then said, "Everyone, this is my brother Lance. We moved here not too long ago. In fact, I believe you're the first guests we've had thus far. Aren't they, Lance?"
"Quite so, Talon, quite so," Lance replied. "You all look famished. I do hope you'll join us for our traditional seventeen-course dinner."
Uberbob leapt out of his chair and clung to the bird brothers' legs. "I LOVE YOU!" he cried. "And I love food! Give me food!"
The brothers glanced at each other and smiled, then led us all into the dining room. Uberbob carried the candydish with him.
The dining room was dimly lit by a few candles and a large stone fireplace. It was mild inside; not warm, but the food... oh my GOD the food! There was a table in the center of the room, set for eight people and a canoe. The table was lined with more food that I had collectively seen during our entire adventure. We ran, slithered and rowed to the table and immediately began feasting to our hearts' content. Only L33tz4n seemed to wonder if the food was safe to eat, but after the rest of us had indulged ourselves she too joined in the savage feast. There were muffins, biscuites, sasauges, cheeses, brownies, giblets, apples, pears, sushi, caviar, and some other things I didn't take the time to register to memory as I shoved them into my mouth. Talon and Lance watched us tear into their meal, simply nibbling on their food and sipping glasses of wine. I guess it had been less than a month since the last time they had eaten.
"So, tell us a little about yourselves," Talon said as we were finishing up our desserts. Uberbob and the others had been given tarts, while I had been handed a package of snack cakes. The brand label read "Complicated Cakes." I couldn't even open the package.
"We're trying to kill an allegedly-evil dreadlord who may or may not have done anything wrong," Uberbob answered just before choking down another bite of cake. "His name is Blackraptor."
The bird brothers didn't faulter. "Blackraptor, eh?" Lance repeated with a grin. "Yes... yes, that does sound like an evil name."
As I struggled to open my Complicated Cakes, L33tz4n suddenly spoke up. "Do you always prepare enough food for eight people?" she asked.
"Why yes, dear girl," Talon replied. "We do. It's part of being rich, you see."
"What's with this mansion?" L33tz4n then inquired. "It looks like a factory from outside."
"It use to be Santa's workshop," Lance answered, "until he was outsourced by China. We bought the place and refurnished it with our inheritance."
L33tz4n fell silent, then asked, "So, this is the North Pole?"
"We moved the North Pole out back," said Talon.
"Hey, I wanna see that!" Uberbob declared. "Can you show us?"
"Maybe tomorrow," the brothers said in unison. Uberbob looked crushed.
"You really should spend the night," Lance suggested. "We have guest bedchambers upstairs. And just so you know, it's 10 PM."
Uberbob sighed. "I wanted to see the North Pole. Or at least Dennis."
Talon's eyes grew wider. "There is no Dennis!" he exclaimed suddenly. "I mean... it's a myth. The very idea... all points converging... merging... to take you anywhere in the world... that Dennis, you mean? There's no such thing. True, yes dear brother?"
Lance nodded. "No, I'm sorry, there is not Dennis. Whatever Canadian told you about Dennis was probably very, very confused."
"Canadian?" L33tz4n repeated. "How did you-?!"
"My, it is LATE!" Talon declared with a yawn. "You ought to go upstairs to your chambers. Just follow the red carpet." He turned and proceeded to leave with his brother, then quickly added, "There are bathrooms on the same hall. Now please, no more chatter until tomorrow." The two of them left into another room and closed the door behind them.
To the East was the red-carpeted staircase. Uberbob stretched in his chair and picked at his teeth. "Nice guys," he said. "They seem English. Or gay. One or the other."
"Bed sounds good," said Araches. "We can pump them for info tomorrow." Everyone proceeded to head up the stairs. I, still trying to open my dessert, sat in silence. I was pretty tired as well.
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