Sorry, I was a.) Waiting for someone else to post, b.) Forgetful and c.) Busy due to having something pulled outta my abdomen [don't ask]

Well, lets see, where to begin... Well, I think that for a first effort its certainly pretty (-) good [though I'm not a conessieur of literature] I prefer a more paragraphed structure myself, but thats just me. Apart from a few scattered grammatical errors and somewhat loose plot its very well constructed.

So uh... yeah.