Sure thing. I'll gladly help you out. But I should warn you that I'm a very straight forward guy and I don't surgar coat what I say when it comes to criticisms, so you'll have to promise not to get upset or anything.

For instance, most of your characters seem to be perfect beings in the professions that they chose. For a terminology reference, they would be called Mary Sues.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mary_Sue

For further reading. Generally, these characters are hard to get into and have the reader find any sympathy with. Characters need to have flaws to make them feel more human. Plus characters with flaws have room to grow throughout the story, if they try to work out their flaw or if that trait becomes their fatal undoing. Authors of great classics tend to play on their characters weaknesses to create a story that's powerful and moving. Any good peice of literature will have flawed characters, and that's what makes them good.

Also, your plot seems to resemble how my stories used to be when I first started. Straight-forward and a lot of action, but without much continuity between the scenes and chapters and stuff. Overall, it never really moved anywhere. The easiest way to improve on this as I see it is to make your plots character driven. Each character should have something that they want and will do anything to get it. They all have individual motives and persue them. When the motives of two characters clash is when the fun begins. Conflict arises and has to be resolved. Combined with characters who are flawed, such as one who desires to be loved and one who's ambitions get in the way of their relationship, you've got Pride and Prejudice.

Final thing that comes to my mind at this time is how your story is narrated. Firstly, I'll break down how an average scene of a story should play out. First you dress the setting. Give a description about when and where the characters are. Afterwards, introduce who is in there and if needed how they enter. Then you can start dialogue and descriptions and stuff. Take care to give lots of detail about descriptions, settings, and how things are done. You want the reader to have a clear and concise idea that matches the one that's in your own head while writing. Plus detail is good because from one reader to another they'll have the same thing in their head. Of course, you should still leave stuff up to the reader's imagination. Just try to find the right amount that works, and you certainly don't have to describe everything in the same amount of detail. As Radium told me a long time ago..

"Hell, even a color every now and then would be nice."

But anyway, don't get discouraged. You're starting out the exact same way I did. Posting what I did here, and our story writing abilities are/were similar. In time, you'll become a SUPER FUNTASTIC author like me.