OK, first off, sorry for being a bit too impolite. And yeah, saying pathetic is a bit much. I was sleepy. =p
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Originally Posted by Coolpeanutbutter
some people like my story and some don't well for the people that don't like my story or think that i can do better. i would like it if you can tell me where and how i can make it better? the good thing is that it's only a draft it's not the finshed one yet so if you can tell me i will think about changing the story.
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If you want some pointers for the story, I'll try and help out.
I'm not a fan of the kids stumbling upon an old base. Especially because Devan seemed to be expecting them, which he wouldn't have been. Instead, you should have Devan set up a trap for them, leaving clues behind to lead Jazz to him.
Also, the bit about the vortex isn't great. Jazz is no mechanic or scientist; he wouldn't know how to use the thing. And it doesn't make sense for the kids to have automatically sucked into it, while Jazz has to turn it on for him. What if you just made it a warp point? We have warp points in the game, so it would be easy to explain one in the story.
It wouldn't have taken Devan years to make robotic versions of the trio. Heck, he could have just used a "Mean Gene Machine" to clone them. The final boss of JJ1 was a giant clone of Jazz. Devan could make clones of Jazz, Spaz, and Lori, rather than make robotic versions.
Also, torture scenes are not good openings for a game. This game should be rated E, just like its predecesors. Torturing the hares is not going to land an E, and as a gamer I wouldn't enjoy watching it.
OK, now let's examine Devan's plan. In JJ1, Devan wanted to destroy Carrotus. In JJ2, he wanted to go back in time to erase rabbits from history. And now, you're suggesting that Devan' plan is to.... make clones/copies of the Jackrabbits.... why? All they could do is poorly run Carrotus. They wouldn't be able to destroy Carrotus or eliminate the rabbits. You should come up with a purpose for them.
Again, sorry for the rudeness earlier. I understand that there's a certain way to go about saying things, and I understand that I used the wrong approach.