Thanks, Torkell.

EDIT: And Pako, too. I appreciate the thought.


Now, everyone who's not interested, just skip this post. Because tell you what, I'm replying now, because there's no way I'm going to be able to sleep at this rate.

Dev. What you say about how I need to improve myself is true. Everything you say about how to live life is true. It works. I'm sure of that. It's a wonderful philosophy.

But Dev, you DO NOT KNOW WHO I AM. And NEITHER does Radium. You guys might think you have some sort of moral high ground. You probably do. I'm unfortunately very emotional and that makes me an unpredictable menace. Sad thing. But what you seem to forget is that YOU TOO ARE HUMAN. You have HUMAN PERSPECTIVES that are just as flawed as any other! You, Dev, had trouble understanding who I am when we were close and talking every day. You saw everything in extremes. And then you developed away from me completely. I have come to accept that. And now, many years later, you claim to be able to tell who I am, after you already couldn't understand me back then. No, Dev. No.
I don't know what you see me as or whether it's in any way an accurate portrayal of what I was like back then. But I know what a friend is. You remember the Finnish guy I wanted you to talk to once? And you couldn't bear talking to him? I've been one of the only things keeping that man alive for years now. I have made a new friend who is completely different from me and rarely likes any of the artwork I produce. We are close friends for more than a year now and I'm constantly listening to him and trying to help him get by in life as best as I can. I have a new friend who is far above me intellectually who enjoys my presence for some reason I can't fathom, and he gives me criticism just as powerful as Radium does, but you know what, it doesn't hurt when he does it, because he's not Radium!

I don't claim to know who Radium is! I have no idea! But, you know, first impressions, human shaping images of humans in their own minds to understand them? Radium is EVIL in my world. I can't HELP it. It's been imprinted like that! I've tried to befriend him! He doesn't DO friends. That's what he told me himself when I offered him my friendship! I will not believe that I am in any way capable of hurting Radium until I have solid proof. For all I know he could be crying right now. But based on what I've experienced of him, no.

I've been trying really hard today to take everything in stride. I've listened to criticism of my art. I've listened to criticism of my personality. I tried to keep my cool and I thought about it. But for (-)(-)(-)(-)'s sake I have a LIMIT.
EVERYTHING I do is colored in your perspective in the colors of that old, whiny (-)(-)(-)(-)(-)(-)(-) of a Fawriel that I'm trying my (-)(-)(-)(-)ing damndest to overcome here. I can't do anything that won't make me seem like it. And that's what I've been dealing with for the past years when I've been communicating with you or Radium. The knowledge that whatever I do, it will be interpreted as weakness. Do you have any idea what I'm talking about here? It's like something from a goddamn Greek tragedy about trying to avoid your fate! You are weak, so you try to act strong, but everyone's still saying you're weak, so you try to act even stronger but you don't know how to be that strong yet and the facade crumbles and then you fall down and everyone's opinion of you is confirmed again! Do you have ANY idea how that is?

OF COURSE I have to get over my hate and regret. It's irrational and it's destroying me, duh! But how do you SUPPOSE I should just STOP those deeply rooted feelings? Sprinkle magic Nietzschean fairy dust on them? That's not how the human psyche WORKS. I have a HORRIBLE mindset that makes me see everything like it's part of a greater story, so I see everything as chapters, and I wait for significant events to cause epiphanies in me. It's HORRIBLE and I have to get rid of it, but I can't just DO THAT. I have to WORK with it for now, and that's how this whole (-)(-)(-)(-)ing MESS came to be. I cannot possibly save my past anymore, so I have to put a lid on it, move somewhere else, start anew, and gather the strength to reform myself and accept what has happened with my newfound strength.

I don't hate you. You are more likely than not a great guy. But right now, I can't help seeing my past in you, and I can't help acting the same way around you as I do with Rad: Trying to be all mature and smart and cool so you don't get a chance to see me as the weakling I was. And failing.
I'll gladly talk to you some after this is over. But you don't have to force yourself to make friends with me again. You are not the man you used to be. And neither am I. We can talk. But we can't build anything on the ground of our past friendship.


I really just want to be free of all these regrets.