Thanks for the tips, and I have been planning on going back to this story for a while now, but I've had basically no motivation, and not enough free time to write something like this.
But, your post has reminded me of this Story, and now that I have some free time, I am going to start editing it once I've posted this. Thanks for the reminder. And the Motivation.

EDIT: Keep an eye on this post for updates.
EDIT 2: Like I said earlier in this post, I haven't had too much free time to write this story, but I think I should be able to make some progress soon.