For those who are unaware, earlier this summer while cam-chatting in #jj2, me, Slayo, and Disguise became the Three Topless Banditos late one sleep baked night. Since then many things have happened, and last night in #jj2 we decided to begin writing random tales about our quests. This is not a true "Jazz 2" story, but it deals with people in the community. No outside additions or character submissions will be granted unless we say so or if we just throw you in.

These do contain mildly offensive themes sometimes, so please be wary of this if you might be offended. And now, we begin with the first really really crappy story!

-------------------------------------------
Tale #1: THE THREE TOPLESS BANDITOS AVENGE COURAGEOUSLY FOR A GENERIC PROBLEM!!!!

It was a warm night as three tall, strong, handsome figures rode their valiant horses down the desert road towards the sunset. They rode fast, with no real direction or purpose, but with an uncanny zeal. Towards where, they could not say - all they knew was that somewhere, in some forgotten place, was an innocence betrayed, a broken dream, a beautiful maiden in some unfortunate cirumstance, or perhaps just a tavern with good ale. Whatever the case, they rode long and hard through day and night in search of those in need of their faithful assistance. They are the THREE TOPLESS BANDITOS.

The oldest, named Slayo, raised his palm above his eyes, oblivious that it was night, and said aloud, "My, the desert sure is dry this evening." The other two, Spaztic and Disguise, nodded in thoughtful agreement and probably mumbled something about sand or perhaps walnuts. It was not long after that that Disguise yelled frightfully from his tall brown steed.

"Deary me, my good fellows, but there appears to be a whee little bit of rain coming from the sky above!" Instantly the three horses and their riders stopped to discuss this most unusual circumstance. They all rode into a tight circle and began to speak together.

"This is no ordinary rain," remarked the youngest, Spaztic, as he sniffed a droplet that landed on his elbow. "This is some sort of special rain. Perhaps, say, duck urine." Disguise and Slayo turned and gasped at the remark in awe, or perhaps more that Spaztic had fallen off of his mighty steed attempting to sniff his elbow.

It was then that Slayo's face turned white and pale and he remarked solemnly, "Alas, I knew it was so, my fellow banditos! It was on the eve of tomorrow one year, two months, and three days ago that I recieved the ill omen that sealed us in this wretched fate. Upon the rode I met a beautiful lass with but a pinch of clothing on who remarked that perhaps I should allow myself to engage in hay jumping activities with her for but a small price. At the time I was delivering a package of much urgancy containing payments to my grass retailing associate a few miles down the road. Thus I regretfully declined remarking at what a plump bosom she had acquired in her youth, and after I apologized fitfully for that remark she gave me the ill omen that perhaps sometime in the near future I might fall upon unwanted circumstance. Clearly this is a prophecy fulfilled!" With this enchanting tale the other two shivered and shook urine off of their limbs in general displeasure.

"Clearly, my good lads, there is but one thing we must do to avenge such a lass," declared Disguise woefully, "and that is to find her bloody town and fulfill the deed which you could not have achieved!"

"Three fold!" shouted Spaztic enthusiastically.

"At the same time!" added Slayo with triumph. And with this newly declared plot and with little to no real character developement, the three topless banditos began to gallop towards the absolute middle of nowhere just as before, except now with a slightly less broad sense of purpose.

Nigh upon tea time they arived in a small village named El Perras, and immediatly they stopped at the local tavern to acquire ale and information for their vital quest. They parked their steeds and walked into the tavern, at which both the inhabitants gave a disguisted "Ech!"

"You're not apple the tavern witch out water bath!" said one, obviously a foreigner from Iceland. "You smells of duck pee! That's ILLEGAL!", he declared and gritted his teeth, annoyed.

"None of that Scottish talk in here, my good fellow," replied Disguise, turning to the bartender. "I am Disguise, and we are the three topless banditos. Give us your finest ale or pay the price." Spaztic and Slayo nodded and turned to the bartender impatiently.

"And while you're at it," began Spaztic, "we're looking for a young maiden. She doesn't wear but a string and banana peel, and hands out ill omens left and right, and we've a bean to pick with her."

The bartender, who had begun to take out small shot glasses half-heartedly, stopped and looked up at Spaztic. "A bean to pick?" Spaztic shrugged and the bartender continued, and then spoke in a low, brisk voice.

"They say around sundown every night a young dame can be seen upon the corner down the road by the hook shop waiting for a man to take her away for a price. If you don't find her there, perhaps old Luigi here can play the part." He motioned towards the foreigner sitting near drunk down the bench. He smiled half-toothless at the banditos, licked his grimy finger, placed it on his side and made a sizzle sound. Spaztic and Disguise looked disturbed but Slayo looked dreamily at the Icelander. Disguise elbowed Slayo, mumbling for him to snap out of it, and soon Slayo was back to himself.

"Thanks for the information, my young fellow!" said Disguise to the old, skinny bartender.

"The name's Eggleton," sneered the man, then mumbled something under his breath and filled the glasses. Slayo requested for a bowl and the five sat there drinking and exchanging stories until sundown.

At that time Slayo remarked, "I'm afraid we must go now, to find the young corner lass. Goodybe, and thank you for the ale, charming Eggleton! And farewell to you, foreign friend with greasy skin!"

Eggleton said something about getting no pay but did nothing about it. The Icelander remarked, "They are so cool, adult man!" With this the three drop dead muscular and handsome topless banditos hopped upon their rides and galloped not but for thirty seconds before again dismounting. For there was the beautiful maiden at the corner's edge, waiting patiently.

"Is she the ill omen giver?" asked Spaztic to Slayo.

"No, but lets go have a look anyway," he replied and began to walk forward. The three walked in perfect unison, but the corner maiden stood undisturbed. They arrived within three feet of her and then Disguise spoke.

"Deary me, miss, but perhaps may we interest you in the filling of your cup with a whee bit of tea?" Then she turned and they gazed at the beauty of her form, her curves, her long, flowing hair, her golden false teeth, and her general lack of drapery. She parted her lips and spoke but one word.

"Avast, three fools." Or, perhaps but one sentance. Anyway, the three topless banditos did not listen, and skipped forward merilly humming outlandish songs about babies having backs. Then the maiden raised her hand towards them in one sweeping motion and instantly the three banditos were stationary. "Who are you who seek my temple?" the maiden asked.

"We are the three topless banditos, and we bear longer weapons than most you have ever seen, fair lady," said Slayo, standing on one leg for no apparent reason.

"You seem overly clothed for being topless banditos," said the maiden. It was only then that the three noticed that they were, in fact, fully clothed. Losing their frozen appearance, they reached at their threads and tore them away passionately. At least, they tried. After a moment each each had ripped a small portion of their sleeves and were out of breath from overstimulation. Oh, and being drunk didn't exactly help a lot, either. Slayo had recieved a black eye and Disguise was rolling on the ground moaning something about his bolluks. Spaztic just stared entranced at his own hands.

After a moment the maiden coughed impatiently and they realized what they had been doing and came to. Disguise said, "Yes, lass, we were just looking to avenge the duck urine incident of last night." With no further details the maiden stared and them confused and then shrugged and asked how much money they had. "Twelve shillings a peice!" declared Disguise.

The women then looked at the sky, thinking deep, then shrugged again and said, "Ah well...have at it." At this point there was many a ho-ha and boom splash, until at least all were sweaty and satisfied...from bullfighting. Or something. But anyway, having accomplished their noble tasks, the three topless banditos payed the maiden a fee and got back onto their horses, begining to ride once again towards the sunset in search of new adventure...
-------------------------------------------

Remarks appreciated.