Anyway, maps:

(we are at the start, not the lgiht-blue square)



And go N, N, E, N, W, N, W, N, W, N, E, N, E, pick up launcher, W, W, teleport, N, W, N, E, N, E.

I agree with Boggy B.

We went North into the Polar Dervish, ran around in it for a while, found a rocket launcher and a teleporter, then warped to some other part of the maze. From there we went North, West, North, East, North, and East. We came to a turn leading North.

North

Scratch back by rubbing it on the wall, then north.

I started scratching my back by rubbing it on the wall. Everyone took a few steps away from me, then we all traveled North into a hallway.

E

E, W, E.

We went East, and it didn't take long for a rabid hyena robot to make a go at us. I fired the rocket launcher with deadly skill, and pwned the evil creature before it even knew what pwned it. As the glittering shards of metal fell to the ground I saw that we had reached a dead end.
Uberbob nudged me with his elbow. "Oh yeah," I said. "And... that's the end of that chapter."
"You call that a one-liner?!" Uberbob exclaimed. "You didn't even make a pun! And hyena puns are so easy! Say something like, 'we may have won, but he got the last laugh.'"
I had to admit, that was pretty good.

Pick up a hyena shard, and go W.

I attempted to pick up a piece of the destroyed hyena robot, only to find that it was extremely hot and burned the fur right off the palm of my hand. I then realized that I shouldn't be so materialistic anyway, lest I should become more like... no, that could never happen.
We went West until we came to the door leading back South. The hall continued Westward.

Go west, young man!

Young man that I was, I went West. The hall took a turn Northward. Somewhere a teenage guy with too much time on his hands cried out in ecstacy as he realized he would finally get to start writing actual storyline soon.

Contemplate if there are any Hyena one-liners that don't have to do with laughing.

sorry dev I had to D=

I contemplated if there were any hyena one-liners that didn't deal with laughing. The results of my study were inconclusive.

If your bowels do not require emptying, go northward. If they do, say so, then go northward.

"My bowels require emptying," I announced.
My comrades all unanimously exclaimed, "EW!"
I then felt badly about myself, but led everyone North. As we stepped through the doorway, it suddenly stopped snowing. In fact, it also got noticeably colder. I was now facing a gigantic mansion off in the distance, set directly between two large, snow-covered mountains. It actually seemed more like an industrial building than a home, but the decorative landscaping, victorian-style shutters and mild paint tones practically screamed, "This is not an industrial building. Someone lives here."
I looked back into the maze and saw that it was still snowing inside. I wondered if we had just traveled through some sort of dimensional rift, but my thoughts quickly shifted to the possibility that whoever lived in the mansion might have actual food. My companions seemed to have caught on to the same idea a little quicker than I had, as they began running towards the mansion like a pack of rabid hyena robots.

North.

I ran North after my friends. We crossed the snow-covered terrain in the blink of an eye and reached the massive and overly-ellaborate double doors of the building. A door knocker shaped like an eagle's head adorned the entrance. We stood between two large stone pillars on a walkway lined with several potted plants. Considering the climate, it seemed a fair assumption that said plants were fake, but they still garnered a certain appeal.
"Rich people must live here," Araches noted. "I mean, they've got two front doors. Only a rich person could afford to have two front doors."
The mental image of young Araches standing outside a trailer in a diaper and a large Cowboys jersey briefly flashed across my eyes.
"Rich people have food!" Uberbob exclaimed. "That's why they're rich, so they can eat and live and stay rich and keep eatting!"
"Are we going to go in and beg for food without even assuming this could be a trap?" Shuri asked, very deadpan.
"I like where your head's at!" Uberbob replied. "What say you, Fawriel? Shall we go in and beg for food like lowely gypsy peasants who wander the Earth defending the stupid and pwning the successful in the name of truth, justice, and truth?"

Look if there were things that one could take, check inventory, and if there's a doormat, check under it for keys/trap doors. If at all possible, refrain from doing dumb dances.

And do a little jig(that isn't dumb) and shout "POLAR DERVISH, WHOZ YUR DADDEH?"

Ask L33tz4n to summon a water elemental, and knock on the door.

Guys, don't be silly...
I say we go back and kill ourselves in the maze, then get the rocket launcher, take the right path to the house, and blast the doors open.

Eh. IF it's a trap and it kills us, we can still do that.

Originally Posted by Dev

Somewhere a teenage guy with too much time on his hands cried out in ecstacy as he realized he would finally get to start writing actual storyline soon.

erm

Ask Uberbob to use the doorknob, as it's likely metallic, and connected to some 436346347423 volts and amps. Also have Shuri not tell Uberbob his theory until -after- he tries the door, no matter the result.

I can't even pretend that the majority of those commands actually made sense. I'm going to carry out the ones that seemed like they might have been conceived in an actual human brain.

I resisted the urge to start doing stupid dances... for a while, at least. Looking around I didn't see anything that seemed takable, or for that matter even worth taking. The fake plants were useless, and frozen to their pots, and the doorknocker was securely attached to the door. There was no doormat, likely because there was no mud outside to endanger the floor of whoever lived here. Perhaps they didn't want company anyway.
I turned to L33tz4n and told her to summon a Water Elemental. She did so. The somewhat mightly liquid being appeared out of thin air, then froze solid, then vanished again.
Having accomplished absolutely nothing for all of my careful planning, I knocked on the door. We waited a while for someone to answer, and after a minute or two someone did. A young bird-man with green feathers and an expensive-looking suit answered the door. He looked twenty-something, and handsome, though not particularly friendly. He glanced over our party, raised an eyebrow, and asked, "May I help you, ladies and gents?"
"Give us food," said Uberbob.
"Uh.. huh," the bird-man replied. "Would you mind telling me precisely who you are first? I should like to think you do have a name of some sort, am I right?"
"Food," said Uberbob. "Give. Us. Food."
"Ignore him," said Araches, pushing Uberbob backwards and stepping up to the gentleman. "My name is Araches, and my companions and I are very tired and hungry. We haven't eaten in weeks, and we hardly ever sleep. No one ever knows what time it is, you see, so we just assume that it's never any time at all."
The birdman looked everyone over once more, gave little nod, then beckoned us to enter. Uberbob and Araches rushed inside the mansion, followed by Fooruman and Shuriken. L33tz4n and I exchanged glances.
"You think we sh0uld go in?" she asked. "We don't know this person. It could be a trap."

Inventory

At least tell polar dervish it got pwned ;(

Smell lock of foo hair. Go into mansion.

"Well, given a choice between unlikely death inside a mansion, and certain death at the metallic paws of rabid zombie cyborg hyenas, I think I'd prefer the former"

Pageclaim for the longest post ever.

I turned back to the Polar Dervish, and inwardly said, "You got PWNED!" I then considered smelling the... no. That's disgusting.
"Well, given a choice between unlikely death inside a mansion, and certain death at the metallic paws of rabid zombie cyborg hyenas, I think I'd prefer the former," I replied to L33tz4n's inquiry. She nodded, then the two of us went inside.
We found ourselves inside a gigantic foyer. Dark red carpeting covered the floor, and in the center of the room hung a large, golden chandelier. Uberbob and the others were sitting in overstuffed red chairs, already filling themselves with candy from a dish on the table in front of them. I doubted that was actually intended for them.
"Ahem," said the bird-man, grabbing their attention away from the candydish. "We are going to have actual dinner soon, you know. My brother is setting the table now. My name is Talon, by the way, and you all are?"
"We're gypsies!" said Uberbob.
Araches punched him in the shoulder, then said, "We're really just travelling warriors. That's Uberbob, Shuriken, Fawriel, L33tz4n and... that thing in the canoe is Fooruman."
The archmage was examining a nearby stone wall, with a large fiery-looking mask hanging on the side. He licked the wall a few times and sat stroking his beard. "This wall tastes of-"
"STONE!" Araches interrupted. "We know! It tastes of stone! You like licking stone, so just occupy yourself doing that and don't bother anyone else."
Fooruman smiled with dissappointment. "It doesn't taste of STONE at all..." he said with a sigh.
Another green bird-man entered the room. "Ah... guests, brother?"
"Yes, some travelers," Talon answered with a sharp nod. Turning to the rest of us he then said, "Everyone, this is my brother Lance. We moved here not too long ago. In fact, I believe you're the first guests we've had thus far. Aren't they, Lance?"
"Quite so, Talon, quite so," Lance replied. "You all look famished. I do hope you'll join us for our traditional seventeen-course dinner."
Uberbob leapt out of his chair and clung to the bird brothers' legs. "I LOVE YOU!" he cried. "And I love food! Give me food!"
The brothers glanced at each other and smiled, then led us all into the dining room. Uberbob carried the candydish with him.
The dining room was dimly lit by a few candles and a large stone fireplace. It was mild inside; not warm, but the food... oh my GOD the food! There was a table in the center of the room, set for eight people and a canoe. The table was lined with more food that I had collectively seen during our entire adventure. We ran, slithered and rowed to the table and immediately began feasting to our hearts' content. Only L33tz4n seemed to wonder if the food was safe to eat, but after the rest of us had indulged ourselves she too joined in the savage feast. There were muffins, biscuites, sasauges, cheeses, brownies, giblets, apples, pears, sushi, caviar, and some other things I didn't take the time to register to memory as I shoved them into my mouth. Talon and Lance watched us tear into their meal, simply nibbling on their food and sipping glasses of wine. I guess it had been less than a month since the last time they had eaten.
"So, tell us a little about yourselves," Talon said as we were finishing up our desserts. Uberbob and the others had been given tarts, while I had been handed a package of snack cakes. The brand label read "Complicated Cakes." I couldn't even open the package.
"We're trying to kill an allegedly-evil dreadlord who may or may not have done anything wrong," Uberbob answered just before choking down another bite of cake. "His name is Blackraptor."
The bird brothers didn't faulter. "Blackraptor, eh?" Lance repeated with a grin. "Yes... yes, that does sound like an evil name."
As I struggled to open my Complicated Cakes, L33tz4n suddenly spoke up. "Do you always prepare enough food for eight people?" she asked.
"Why yes, dear girl," Talon replied. "We do. It's part of being rich, you see."
"What's with this mansion?" L33tz4n then inquired. "It looks like a factory from outside."
"It use to be Santa's workshop," Lance answered, "until he was outsourced by China. We bought the place and refurnished it with our inheritance."
L33tz4n fell silent, then asked, "So, this is the North Pole?"
"We moved the North Pole out back," said Talon.
"Hey, I wanna see that!" Uberbob declared. "Can you show us?"
"Maybe tomorrow," the brothers said in unison. Uberbob looked crushed.
"You really should spend the night," Lance suggested. "We have guest bedchambers upstairs. And just so you know, it's 10 PM."
Uberbob sighed. "I wanted to see the North Pole. Or at least Dennis."
Talon's eyes grew wider. "There is no Dennis!" he exclaimed suddenly. "I mean... it's a myth. The very idea... all points converging... merging... to take you anywhere in the world... that Dennis, you mean? There's no such thing. True, yes dear brother?"
Lance nodded. "No, I'm sorry, there is not Dennis. Whatever Canadian told you about Dennis was probably very, very confused."
"Canadian?" L33tz4n repeated. "How did you-?!"
"My, it is LATE!" Talon declared with a yawn. "You ought to go upstairs to your chambers. Just follow the red carpet." He turned and proceeded to leave with his brother, then quickly added, "There are bathrooms on the same hall. Now please, no more chatter until tomorrow." The two of them left into another room and closed the door behind them.
To the East was the red-carpeted staircase. Uberbob stretched in his chair and picked at his teeth. "Nice guys," he said. "They seem English. Or gay. One or the other."
"Bed sounds good," said Araches. "We can pump them for info tomorrow." Everyone proceeded to head up the stairs. I, still trying to open my dessert, sat in silence. I was pretty tired as well.

Put on your best silken feet, sneak to the door and eavesdrop on the two bird guys. They are teh SUSPICIOUS =O

I put on my best silken feet, snuck over to the door, and eavesdropped on the two bird guys. They were teh SUSPICIOUS. Unfortunately, I didn't hear a sound on the other side of the door. They must have already left whatever room they had entered through another door.

Attempt to open the door.

I turned the handle on the door. It seemed to be locked.

Try to bust door open by ramming into it with your head.

I started getting a really stupid idea, but I knew better than to act on it.

No, that would make too much noise.

Go east.

Ask Shuriken to open your Complicated Cakes with her blade. Before doing what Odin says.

"Shuriken, would you open my Complicated Cakes with your blade?" I asked, ignoring the fact that Shuriken had already gone upstairs with the others. After pondering this for a moment, I decided to go upstairs myself.
Atop the Eastern stairway was a long hallway with three doors. The one at the end of the hall was labeled with a blue "Save Point" sign, meaning that it was likely the bathroom that the bird brothers had mentioned before leaving us. The other two doors were probably the guest bedchambers where my comrades had gone to.
To the East was the first door, while the other chamber and the bathroom were South.