This might be considered bias since the first time I saw you was when the smileys invaded.

Anyhoo, you're story needs work, it's all one paragraph, undefined is an understatement (add more detail), define people, define where you are, define the time, define the plot, define the color of pepsi, use style of how your paragraphs are, etc. etc. etc.

Read it back to yourself and think about how it can be improved.