First, put your hands on the spots where the painting was touched before. If they are too far apart, simply ask smeone from the party to help. "Maybe it has one of those weird mechanisms were you push something in and a wall opens or something like that.." ..and if nothing happens, push a little harder.

"Someone help me take down this painting," I said. Uberbob walked over and took one side of the frame while I took the other. We tried with all our might to take it off the wall, but the painting wouldn't budge; it was sealed directly to the wall itself.
"Maybe it has one of those weird mechanisms were you push in something and a wall opens or something like that.." I babbled incoherantly. I placed my hands on the glass in the spots where the smudges were. The surface of the painting blinked like a computer screen, and a calm, soothing woman's voice called out, "Access denied. Pwned you, n00b." Immediately I felt several volts of electricity running through my body. I fell backwards and twitched a few times before regaining my senses.
'As if I needed another reason to hate his paintings,' I thought to myself.

Tell Uberbob to press one of the BBs against that spot.
..then again, fingerprint scans only really work with fingers, don't they?

"Uberbob, press one of the BBs against the painting."
Uberbob picked up what use to be Lance and shoved the whole carcass onto the painting. The glass got all greasy and gross.
"Access denied."
Electricity ran through Lance's corpse and fried him up nice and crispy.
"Hey, good idea!" said Uberbob. "I was getting hungry again."
"You're not eatting him," said Araches. "That's just too gross. Besides, we might be onto something if you two would stop being complete morons for one second."

"Well, hey, I figured it was some kind of defense system that would only let them pass through... while there's not exactly much of "them" left, I admit..."

..inventory check.

Tell Araches to be nice and prepare to run like hell

Plz no.

Maybe have L33tz4n summon an Enchantresphere and have the Sphere zap the thing? It worked before...

Summon water elemental to attack the painting (or the device it covers)

nevermind

I agree with Odin.

Hey, this is just like the old days of ToU! =D

"Well, hey, I figured it was some kind of defense system that would only let them pass through... while there's not exactly much of 'them' left, I admit..." I said this to no one in particular. When in an awkward situation, it's always best to ramble on rather than stay quiet and look stupid. "L33tz4n, summon the Enchantresphere to zap the thing."
L33tz4n called upon the big flying orb thing we affectionately referred to as Spherey. The Enchantresphere zapped the painting with a pulse of magical lightning.
"You suck," said the woman's voice in the same calm and soothing manner. A large machanical arm with a machine gun came out of the wall and blasted the Enchantresphere back to wherever it is they come from.
"Okay then, summon the Water Elemental and have it attack, too."
L33tz4n then summoned a somewhat mighty Water Elemental. She commanded it to splash the painting on the wall. It did so, and nothing happened.

Inventory

=P I don't have any useful ideas right now.

Sketch down the fingerprints into the notebook. Make sure Uberbob doesn't see the notebook. In fact, distract him by telling him Araches isn't really lesbian.

Attack painting with spear using all your might.

I attempted to accomplish the impossible task of sketching the fingerprints on the glass. Unfortunately, there were no fingerprints, just two smudges that were about the size of hands. There were no indications of fingers to be seen.
I then finally gave in to my inner stupid person and attacked the painting. The mechanical arm once again emerged from the wall and aimed its machine gun at me. "Please refrain from attacking the monitor, or you will be killed repeatedly until you are dead. Thank you, and have a nice day."

Press the Tarot cards against the smudges. (What are those, anyways?)

Well, considering that this used to be Santa's workshop or something, perhaps it only opens up to weird old men with long white beards..? ( Fooruman! )

..if all else fails, knock against the monitor and try to talk to it.

I do believe we haven't explored the rest of the house yet. Let's leave the painting for now.

Not all that likely, but oh well. We need compass directions, though. E,E?

..................... press their wings against the detector thingy.
Durrh.

Notice to everyone: Faw pointed out to me that the puzzle was too difficult simply because the death sprites for Talon and Lance were cooked chickens (and also because I went along with that for a while D=). Anyway, he got it right. If Rad had made actual death sprites you probably wouldn't have had any trouble here. Blame him, not me.

I dragged the dead Birdclaw Brothers across the room and placed their wings to the surface of the "painting." The screen flashed again.
"Welcome back, Talon and Lance."
A console with a keyboard and various other buttons and switches slid out of the wall beneath the painting, and the painting itself converted into a computer monitor. The screen displayed the locations of booby traps and electronic locks throughout the mansion. At moment, only the Western door in the dining room was locked, and all traps were currently armed. According to the map, a secret passage in the room we were in led into the locked room, though I wasn't sure how to open it. This particular system was a little beyond my technological capabilities.

Ask L33tz4n to take a look at it.

"L33tz4n, dazzle us with your l33t haxx0r skillz!" I said.
"I'll see what I can do," she said as she slithered up to the console. She entered in a few commands and looked over the map. "It looks like the door was locked manually and not electronically, but I can open the pass4ge that leads to the room from here. I should probably disable the traps, too..." She bit her lip and pressed a few more buttons. Uberbob was off in a corner arranging the corpses of Talon and Lance in suggestive positions, but Araches made him stop. After a few more commands L33tz4n stepped back and said, "Okay, that should do it." A circular hole appeared in the floor next to the console. Peering down, I saw a ladder leading into some mysterious dark passageway.

E, N, N, save, S, S, W, climb down the ladder.

Cooba - ClassBased Team Battle? says:
"Uberbob was off in a corner arranging the corpses of Talon and Lance in suggestive positions" ~Dev
Ulysses S. Grant says:
Blame Dev.
Cooba - ClassBased Team Battle? says:
I was laughing out loud on that actually ;D
Ulysses S. Grant says:
Yay =D
Ulysses S. Grant says:
Blame me, in that case. All my idea.

I quickly stepped out to save, then returned.
"Wow, dude, what did you eat?" Uberbob asked.
"I was just saving," I insisted.
"There's no shame in having bowel irregularities, Faw," Uberbob said in a strangely sincere tone. "We all have problems downstairs every now and then."
I quickly pushed past him and began climbing down the passage. My comrades soon followed. Judging by the distance we climbed, it was safe to assume we were now underground. We traveled down a long corridor West, then came to a dead end with another ladder leading up.

Climb up.

We climbed up the ladder. It was only about ten feet long, thus I assumed the end of it was settled on the ground floor of the mansion. As we crawled out of the passage we found ourselves in a large kitchen. There were several ovens lining the Western wall, as well as many sinks, drawers, shelves, spice racks, knife racks, and chopping boards. The floor looked like stone, but a lick from Fooruman's skilled stone-licking tongue revealed it to actually be painted linoleum. It was cool in the room, but not cold. In the back was a large metal door; most likely a freezer. To the East was the door leading to the dining room, and to the North was a door we had never seen before. Once again, there were no windows to be found.
"Who needs a kitchen this big?" asked Araches
"I guess Santa," said L33tz4n. "How else do you feed a whole sweatshop full of elves?"
"Not a sweatshop!" Uberbob declared angrily. "It is a WORKSHOP!"
"Yeah, sure," replied L33tz4n sarcastically. "Anyw4y, we should probably whip up some breakfast. I'm pretty hungry, and it could be monthes before we ever find food again."

Originally Posted by Dev

"Not a sweatshop!" Uberbob declared angrily. "It is a WORKSHOP!"

Haha, that reminds me of a part in Gex 3 where there's a poster that says "Santa's Workshop Sweatshop."

Open freezer. If you can't open it, DISCO DANCE.

Originally Posted by Odin

Open freezer. If you can't open it, DISCO DANCE.

Then try Dennis.

Pageclaim in the name of my best friend Tim. Hi Tim!

I attempted to open the freezer, and succeeded (thank God). Inside, large pieces of dead animals hung on hooks, and there were a few sacks of frozen vegetables lying around. Everything had a thin layer of frost over it. I should also mention that it was cold inside, as is typical of freezers. Amongst the dead animals on hooks were cows, hogs, and alien demon vampires.
I then tried Dennis. It was okay, but I wouldn't reccommend it to friends.

Take out an alien demon vampire and scare Uberbob with it. Then cook it up. Somehow. Then cook up some bacon.

Ask Fooruman to lick some of the metal on the inside of the freezer.

I took one of the dead alien demon vampires down from its hook and snuck up behind Uberbob with it. I tapped him on the shoulder, and as soon as he turned around I shoved it in his face and made a sound that I assumed an alien demon vampire would make. Uberbob didn't seem particularly scared. "Do I know you?" he asked.
My brilliant plan having failed, I tried to cook the ADV. To my dismay, it had a hard exoskeleton that I couldn't crack open, so I just grabbed a hog from the freezer and tried my best to make bacon. I ended up with a large pile of badly burned hog parts, but I sprinkled them with nutmeg and they somehow tasted just fine. After we had eaten I told Fooruman to lick the metal inside the freezer.
"My good lady," he said, "it would be rude to lick metal I had not even sung to. Pardon me, if you will." He rowed over to the freezer and began singing some strange song I had never heard before. "It's a foo day, but it all feels old! It's a foo life, that's what I'm told!"

Ask if anyone knows how to cook pig properly.

"Can anyone cook pig properly?" I asked.
"I set a pig on fire once," said Araches. Everyone stared at her. She looked around and said, "What?"
"It doesn't matter, we already ate," Shuri pointed out. "Let's stop wasting time, if you don't mind."

okay. I suggest going northwards to... ADVENTURE!

"Let's go Northward," I suggested.
"To ADVENTURE?!" Uberbob inquired.
"If it comes to that, maybe."
We left the kitchen through the Northern door, and were suddenly back outside in the freezing cold. I wished we could have taken the nice warm fireplace in the dining room with us, then wondered why Uberbob hadn't attempted to in the first place. On either side of the mansion were huge, rocky mountains, but stretching Northward was a trail that lead directly between them. The sun had risen over the horizon and bathed the snowy terrain in an orange light. It was pretty.

NORTHWARDS!!!!!!!1

Admire the pretty scenery before you get stuck in another dreary maze.

Admire the pretty scenery, too.

Go back (S) with everyone and tell them to stock up on food. Like, search everywhere for some more. If there is no food left, follow their ^ directions.