Que Passa!!!!

Wow- A new story already? Yep, I've had quite the creative burst in fanstuff lately- not just Jazz either, I've been sketching out ideas of a whole bunch of my fave characters in wacky situations, and making stories around them: Felix the Cat, Dig Dug, Ren and Stimpy, and don't even get me started about my Mickey Matrix crossover(Matrix story with Disney characters, to give you an idea. I'm a little nervous about actually doing it, however, because several Disney regulars, like Minnie for example, get wacked.).

Anyway, I realised that in a lot of War Tavern stories, at least the ones I've seen(Except for, I think, one by Dr. Jones.), that feature Spaz and his freinds, there IS one person missing- however, this one person has a definate reason for not being there, so it got me thinking... what if she were to come back?

This story may or may not be an official third Spaz saves the world story, but it WILL be continued like one...

Batty Buddy presents...

M is for the maiming that she brought me.

Prolouge

"TASTES GOOD!!" "LESS FILLING!!" "TASTES GOOD!!" "LESS FILLING!!" "TASTES GOOD!!" "LESS FILLING!!" "TASTES GOOD!!" "LESS FILLING!!"
"You know- I forget, what are they arguing about again?" Eva said, turning to her husband.
"Well, it started as an conversation over the best way to reduce tention in the middle-east... but now it's a fight over which 'Phroote snaax' brand is a better deal." Jazz mumbled. (Ok, now you OFFICIALLY know that this is a Batty Buddy story.) Picking up the remote, he switched channels.
It was one of those few dark rainy nights around the castle where nothing seemed to happen, and Jazz and his siblings were making the most of it. Jazz was watching TV with Eva, and Spaz and Lori were playing Commander Keen.
"HAH!! You died AGAIN! My turn..." Lori smirked, pushing her brother off the seat, then pounding away at the buttons like a maniac. "Hey! That's not fair! I can't beleive that darn dopefish ate me again!" His eyes narrowed and grew dark. "That fish..." he mumbled under his breath. "Um... You say something." Spaz's eyes went back to their normal look. "Oh... Nothing..."
All of a sudden, there was a bright flash- and the lights, TV, and computer all went out. "AAAGH! I'VE GONE BLIND!!" "No, silly- the power just went out." "Why does this resemble forshadowing to me?"

>Thump!<

Everyone shut their mouths at the mysterious thump noise. "What the HECK was THAT?!?" "Sounded like a waterbuffalo skydiving!" "How do you know what a waterbuffalo skidiving sounds like?" "Well, how else would YOU discribe it- you're so smart?" "Um... well... it sounds like..." "You can't can you?" "OK-SO I CAN'T!" "Calm down everyone- I'll go see what it is. If I'm not back in 2 minutes-cover me." "Go get em, bro!" Walking as softly as he could, Jazz felt his way round the darkness to the stairs, then headed for the front door.
'Gee... Sure is quiet around here... seems almost like one of those Twilight Zone eposodes... where the guy hears a mysterious sound, goes to check it out, and winds up having the blood sucked outta his neck... Good thing I don't scare easily.' Jazz thought to himself as he crept to the door and opened it. It was raining pretty hard outside, and it was near impossible to see more then a few feet away.
"Um... Hello? Who's there?" Jazz said nervously, looking around. Suddenly, he felt himself being violently grabbed by the neck, and he came face to face with a large pair of very angry-looking eyes...

"AARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!" "JAZZ!" Eva, Spaz, and Lori all shouted at the same time. Running to the source of the noise, they met with a rather disturbing sight:
A soaking-wet, large dark figure... a soaking-wet large dark FAT figure, that is- was holding a smaller figure that looked like Jazz by the neck.
"eva..." Jazz managed to gasp out.
Then the lights turned on again, reveiling the newcomers identity...
"eva... your... mother's home..."

I sure HOPE this is to be continued...

By the way, to help me with continuity- anyone have an clue as to what Eva's mother's first name is, or will I have to make up my own?

I'll admit it, I'm slightly confused. Why did she grab him by the neck?

I'll admit when last seen, Eva's mother (Queen Earlong) was trying to kill Jazz or something, with her sonic scream and falling bricks. However, this was because, I presume, he escaped from the dungeon she sentenced him to be locked in.
He was originally locked in the dungeon because.. actually, it's hard to go backwards, so I'll start at the beginning.
In the beginning of JJ1, Jazz heard Eva had been captured, so spanning JJ1, he rescued her (several times?). But then, as they were getting married, Devan's notorious henchlizard came and stole the wedding gem for the time machine. Jazz was locked up because he had not actually defeated Devan, as he had presumably previously reported.
However, Jazz did defeat Devan a second time, and got married sucessfully to Eva, causing me to not understand why queen Earlong grabbed him by the neck, unless it's not her at all..

Que Passa!!!!

Hmmm... Good point... now how to answer it;
Let me just say that I think launching someone into orbit (Which Jazz ALSO had to, unfortunatly do. Ok, so I guess I'm taking liberties that the springboard was that powerful, but sometimes you got to do that.) might be enough to tick them off... Also, since she was floating around in space, I do not think she knows about Devans second defeat yet(At least, as far as I can see.)...

Hopefully that explains a few things, and lowers your confusion.

Don't worry, she'll calm down eventually, AND let go of Jazz's neck. Maybe even return to decent terms with him. The major point of this story is to pull off a little something I've been wondering about for a while- at a certain turtle's expence... Also to try to get my tavernlegs back.

Very funny.

Rotflmho @ the story.

That's cool! I was getting all excited to see some dark mysterious monster, and it was her mom.

(Oh, and I loved what you did when Spaz saw the fish on CC. )

Que Passa!!!!

Now it's time to start the fun;
Here comes Chapter #1

Chapter 1
We got some catching up to do.

"Um... Your not still mad about that whole launching you into outer space thing are you?" Spaz said meekly.
"HEY MOM... It's Ok..." Eva said, trying to convince her mother to drop her husband. "Jazz took care of that whole problem..."

A short time later...

"... And after Devan changed back into his old self, Jazz caused the time machine to malfunction, and got the ring back." She then reached into her pocket and pulled out a jewelry case the size of a honeydew melon. Opening it, she revealed a diamond the size of her head. "And we got remarried just as soon as he got back.".
"Your remarried, huh... WAIT A SECOND!" She then lifted Jazz up to eye level. "You haven't had KIDS yet, have you?!?" "um... no?" "Good answer!" Jazz felt the great relief of his mother-in-law letting go of his neck... seconds before he felt the great pain of landing on the floor very hard. "Well, since Devan HAS been defeated- I guess, I owe you a bit of an appology." "Um... Yeah- Devan..." Jazz said nervous. While he HAD defeated Devan that time, the nerdy turtle didn't seem to know the meaning of the word 'Surrender'. He came back just as strong as last time, and the LAST time Queen Earlong found out that Carrotus was still threatened by Devan... well, Jazz was STILL trying to forget that little show of rage. If there was only some way to break it to her...
"Yeah!" Spaz said, without a second thought. "And if you think THAT was a great victory, you should have seen Bro when he defeated Devan last week- he was all like...>MMmmph<" His sister put her hand over his big fat mouth. "Ix-nay on the urtle-tay." said Lori through clenched teeth.
However, by the look on Queen Earlong face, the message had sunk in...
"Kid..." She said in mock sweetness to Jazz. "Could you do me a favor?" "Um... I guess..." "Get a dictionary."
Jazz ran off into the study and returned two seconds later with the requested book. "Look up 'Defeat'."
"Um... Defeat: v. 1) to conqure or overthrow." "Ok... Now that we have a clear definition, can you honestly use that word to currently describe Devan Shell?" Jazz shyly shook his head, then braced for impact...
"THEN WHY THE HECK NOT!?!??!?!?" Jazz's ears blew back at a speed that made him wonder why they didn't just snap off.
"Now hold on- wait a second..." Lori said, wanting to do something in defence of her big brother. "Did you ever think that maybe Devans a little tougher then he looks?" "HA. That poindexter? If I were the one holding the gun, Devan's head would be a decerative centerpiece by now." "Oh yeah? Well then where were YOU all those times he tried taking over this planet." "Look, whoever you are- I was in the hospital with a broken leg the week he kidnapped my daughter, and as for the other times I WAS HOLDING MY BREATH SUSPENDED IN THE COSMOS!"
Eva jumped in between them. "Um... I'm sure we're all just a little tired right now. What do you say we turn in and try to work this out like SENSIBLE rabbits in the morning?" Both combatents growled softly, but eventually nodded.

Later that night, Spaz was wandering the halls of the castle on his nightly trip to the kitchen for a midnight snack(and in totally unrelated news, a few OTHER rabbits went without breakfast the next morning /\/\ .). On his way back, he passed by Jazz's room... And noticed that the door was open. 'Hmm... Must have not been closed all the way.' he thought to himself. Closing it, he then headed back to his room...
He didn't notice a shadowy figure hiding in the corner... A figure holding a couple of very familure-looking items... The figure breathed a sigh of releaf, then crept down the hall to the front door...

The next morning found Spaz waiting for Lori to get out of the bathroom so he could use it. As he was waiting, he heard Jazz and Eva having a talk in their room.
"Eva- have you seen my bandana? I can't seem to find it." Spaz paused for a second. Jazz's bandana was his favorite(all be it, one of his only) article of clothing. He never took it off, except at night, and even then, it was always put at arms reach. Something was amiss with that...
"You probably just missplaced it, look around- it'll turn up." "Yeah, you maybe right." 'Hmm, false alarm.' thought Spaz, and he started to try to knock for the 3rd time to get Lori to hurry up.
"HEY, wait a second... My GUN'S gone TOO!!!"
Something in Spaz's brain clicked(And it wasn't the usual thing in his brain that clicks.) as he recalled the words Queen Earlong had said last night...

"... If I were the one holding the gun, Devan's head would be a decerative centerpiece by now..."

... He gulped audibly.
"Oh jeeze- she wouldn't-- Would she?"
Forgeting about the bathroom, he ran over to the queens bedroom...

She was gone.

Did she? Is she going to? Who should we be fearful for- Queen Earlong... Or Devan? Naw, not Devan- he's a jerk and deserves whatever he gets.
To be continued...

Que Passa!!!!

...well, I have been busy, but the next chapter may come in a little while... like maybe next week.

Que Passa!!!!

Chapter 2
Mom-B-Gone

"GONE?!?" Jazz said shocked. "Whattaya MEAN gone?"
"Just like I said, Bro... She must have snuck into your room last night and swiped your stuff." "Why would she be crazy enough to do something like that?"
Everyone looked at Lori...
"What? I didn't think she'd be so stubborn as to actually TRY it..." She said, nervously shrugging her shoulders. "I... couldn't just stand there while she read Jazz the riot act!!" "Well, at least she couldn't have gotten too far." Jazz said hopefully, "It's easily an 10-hour trip to Devan's lab on foot for someone like her, and we can probably get there in under an hour." "Yeah, but she's got a head start, so we'd better get a move on."

Meanwhile, in Devans Laboratory;
"DEEDEE- DO NOT TOUCH THAT BUTTON YOU STOOOPID GIRL!!!"
Oops... sorry- wrong laboratory.
Devan shell had just been mulling over his notes on what goes wrong in each attempt to concore carrotus when his hench lizard crept in.
"Hey boss?"
"Not now... I'm busy."
"But- well, you know that radar transmitter you put on the green bunny's bandana a while back?"
"What about it?"
"Well, the radar's making a lot of beeping noises and the little dot is comming closer to the center of the screen... what does that mean?"
"WHAT!?!?" Devan jumped up. Following his lacky Devan went up to the radar. Sure enough, the dot WAS slowly coming towards the center.
"A SURPRISE attack?" Devan questioned. "But I haven't done ANYTHING yet." Jazz may have been his arch enemy, but usualy it was DEVAN who did the surprise attacks- Jazz was more of a retaliater. "Hmm... seems to be moving slower then he usually does... Ah well, I can't take this lying down- lets get ready for the attack. That rabbit won't catch US unprepared..."

"This is going to be sweet; no more Devan, no more random attacks from those slimy reptiles, no more of this "Turtles Vs. Rabbits" nonsence(I mean honestly- this stupid war of Devans has ruined a lot of freindships.). And NOBODY will ever say that I never pulled my fair share again." Queen Earlong muttered to herself. Squinting off into the distance, she saw a large matalic dome.
Devan's lab- she was almost there.
"Say your prayers, you lousy lizard with a lid. Your soft-shelled carcass is MINE!"

To be continued... in Chapter 3
The parent trap
(HA! I kill me...)

By the way, I just made up the radar transmitter. Since Jazz rarely ever takes his bandana off, I figured Devan would be smart and sneaky enough to use it to keep an eye on where his foe is at any given time. As for exactly WHEN Devan planted it, well, I don't know. Just take your favorite war tavern story where Jazz and Devan fight, and say that it was secretly planted during THAT battle.

Ooh... comical and mantains a plot.

Awesome story...
Cannot wait for more!

*still waiting*



I know i am an "evil" reviver, but I cannot stand to see such a great story go to waste.

Que Passa!!!!

Sorry about the time it took to post this, but It was because of two things,
1) I had hit a three way cross road for where the story could go, and I could not deside on which way to take.
2) I was too busy graduating.

I'VE GRADUATED! I'VE GRADUATED! THE WORLD IS MINE TO RULE! TO CONTROL! BOW BEFORE ME!

... Anyway, story. Hopefully you will enjoy the crossroad I took:

Chapter 3
The Parent Trap

"You sure this is JAZZ thats supposed to be storming us?"
"Dats what da boss said."
"Doesn't he look different then last time he was here?"
"Whadda ya mean?"
"Oh, you know- Fatter, Bluer, Slower... More female?"
"Ah, Heck. You know as well as I do all them rabbits look alike. Just get ready to dish out da pain when it gets closer..."
The two guards stared out over the horizen at the oncoming mystery rabbit(Well, a mystery to anyone who hasn't been paying attention to this story, anyway.). However, the RABBIT, was also watching THEM. As soon as she got close, they drew their guns and started firing. The intruder ducked behind a rock, and returned fire- shooting the guns out of the turtles hands, and then rushed in for the kill.
The poor dopes never knew what hit them- but it was something pretty hard.

>WARNING< >WARNING< >SECURITY BREACH<
"Boss- this is getting kind of scary."
"Quiet. I'm trying to get a bead on him." Devan started fiddling with a video screen.
"You see, it's all like a game of cards- sometimes you need to see what your opponent has."
"Um... Isn't that cheating?
"Ah, You appear to be catching on... Now then, lets see..." Devan adjusted the knobs on the screen... a bunch of bad reception quickly took on the form of... "OH MY GOD!" Devan took off his glasses, whiped them off, and put them back on- The identity of the intruder did not change. "Queen Earlong? Where did SHE come from?"
"Gee, isn't that the same girl who..."
"Don't EVER mention that event in my presence again..." Devan scowled. He then noticed the Queens, rather familure atire. "Hmmm... Why would Queen Earlong try a raid while carrying Jazz's gun and bandana..."
Something went off in Devan's head... Something that smelled like oppertunity...
"Of COURSE! It all makes sence now!"
"What, boss? You figure on something?" Devan wasn't paying attention, he was busy running his finger through the air, and mumbling to himself.
"Lets see..." Devan checked his watch. "It's 3pm... On a Wendsday, so the Castle Gaurds should be... Well, Just to be on the safe side: COMPUTER- Scan Carrotus Castle for Lagomorphic Entities!"
Devan's videoscreen jumped to life, showing a cutaway diagram of Carrotus Castle. A bunch of numbers and letters appeared in the lower corner of the image, but changed too fast and too often to have any sence made of them. The numbers stopped flashing and a soft electronic voice sounded.
"SCAN COMPLEATED: NO LAGOMORPHIC ENTITIES DETECTED IN CASTLE- TWO LOCATED IN FRONT COURTYARD!"
The camera zoomed in. Two, rather weak-looking rabbit guards were stationed at the castle's front gate- One was trying hard to stay awake, and the other looked like he was more interested in a line of ants marching up the side of the wall then his duties.
Devan smiled. He had expected Jazz to be unarmed and helpless, and therefore easy to subdue and hold hostage to avoid the wrath of his siblings, but an empty castle with low security was even better.
"Pal, are YOU pondering what I'M pondering?"
"I think so, Boss, but how are you going to get the snake to wear lipstick."
Devan groaned. "If that darn bat writes any more referances to bad cartoons into his war tavern stories, SOMEBODY'S going to get sued."

...Hmph- dont see why HE'S complaining. I could have made him say 'I've got a wonderfully Grinchy idea.'... Anyway, back to the story...

(A few minutes later.)
"Oh crud... Looks like she beat us here!" Lori said looking at the foot-shaped dent in the broken and open door. Eva gave Jazz a glance. "And here I thought YOU were the one who made the dramatic enterances."
As the four of them wandered through the maze that is Devan's lab, Spaz took note of the many battered and brused members of Devan's vast army lineing the way. "Wow... You know- I must admit I'm impressed so far..." "Oh, come on, Spaz- you know everybody and their dog can handle a handful of Devan's low-budget Rent-a-thugs. We're here to make sure she doesn't get atomised by..."
Rounding the corner, they met with a shocking sight:
Devan was knealing in front of Queen Earlong. His glasses were crack, his shell was broken in several places, and the rest of him didn't look that much better.
"L-l-look, Lady... I swear. Just leave and I'll pack up everything and you'll never see me ag..."
"That Rambo son-in-law of mine might fall for those cheap theatrics, Kelp-breath, but you've ticked ME off one too many times..."
Jazz wasn't sure, but he thought he saw Devan grin for a slip second, before returning to a state of horror.
The queen aimed Jazz's gun, and fired...
...Devan's body turned a bright whiteish color, then disintigrated.

"Oh my GOD!"

Eva looked dumbstruck... Jazz's ears drooped like wet noodles... Lori's eyes grew huge... Spaz's bottom jaw hit the floor with a loud 'CLANG' sound.

"She actually DID it?"


Is this "Fairwell" to Devan Shell? Is the turtle threat over? Is Carrotus free from reptile conquest? More importantly- Does this mean Jazz, Spaz, and Lori are out of a JOB?

Tune in next time for Chapter 4
Mock Turtle Soup

(If you didn't get all the hints to the answers of all the afformentioned questions: Devan is... um... on SECOND thought, I ain't gonna spoil it for you, ya big stoopy.)

Sweet, this story ru)(ors!!!!

Now... lets hope the wait aint too long thish time, cause I love this story.

Yeh yeh! Go Batty!

w00t!

Originally posted by Batty Buddy
"Pal, are YOU pondering what I'M pondering?"
"I think so, Boss, but how are you going to get the snake to wear lipstick."
Devan groaned. "If that darn bat writes any more referances to bad cartoons into his war tavern stories, SOMEBODY'S going to get sued."

That's gotta be the fooniest durn thing i ever seed.

Que Passa!!!!

Warning:
Use only as direct. Do not exceed the recommended dosage. Pregnent women and children should not handle broken war tavern stories.

Chapter 4
Mock Turtle Soup.

The queen turned to notice the shocked faces, but gave them nothing but a cold stare in return. Walking past the four, she singled Lori out of the group. "Never question my abilities again." she grumbled before walking off toward the exit.
Jazz dashed towards the pile of dust that had once been his sworn archenemy, causing some of it to dissipate into the air.
"I can't believe it... All those time I knocked the stuffing out of him... All those times I nearly got myself killed trying to stop whatever brainiac scheme he cooked up that time... All those long hard years at the Quasar Quail school for future professional superheroes... and my mother-in-law aces him on her first try?!?!?" he said running his finger through the rest of it. "This truly stinks!"
"Come on, Bro." Spaz said sadly helping his brother up to his feet. "There isn't really anything more we can do here." "Yeah... I guess your right. We should be happy that this whole war is finally over- Still, I kind of wanted to be the one to do it..." "I know, Bro. I know... I'm sure Devan would have preferred it to." Jazz gave him the 'not funny' look.
As the four walked off to rejoin the queen, none of them noticed that there was a small cog hidden in Devan's ashes...

It was the next morning when the four of them finally got back to the royal garden that surrounded Carrotus castle. Queen Earlong had been heading the trip, the rest of them slinked slowly behind, fearing the thought of making eye contact with her.
However, when they were halfway through the giant vegetation, Lori noticed something:
"Hey, does the garden look a little... defoliated to anyone?" Sure enough, nobody had noticed the fact that the trail they had been traveling down was quite bare. It almost seemed as if something really big had charged through it, leaving a hole in the vegetables.
Even the Queen seemed to look nervous at this detail. However, it quickly passed. "Who's complaining? It just makes it easier to get there."
However, upon reaching the castle door, there was no sign of the guards that should be there.
"Um... You know- all this seems kind of suspicious." Eva said, looking around. Even the queen had to agree with her.
Spaz headed cautiously towards the castle door. He carefully touched it with a forefinger.
>BANG!<
"AAARGHH!" Everyone else barely had time to duck as a strange force pushed poor Spaz right back at them like he had been shot out of an invisible cannon. "What the HECK HAPPENED!"
And out of a top window of the castle peered 2 very familiar faces.
"Well well well, look who's just in time for the surprise victory party."
"This is a party, Boss? Where's the cake?"
"I was speaking figuratively, chucklehead!"
The face of a turtle who was supposed to be dead... and his yellow lizard sidekick.

Hmm... Yesterday our turtle was so far away, but now it seems he's here to stay! Will Jazz get him to go away?

... to be continued in Chapter 5:
Devan takes Rook; Check!







"...Oh, I get it." said the lizard "Mock Turtle Soup. Boss isn't really dead, so..."
Um... First of all, you're breaking the fourth wall, second- the chapter's over. Save your comments for next chapter...
"Oh... Sorry."

Very good. I really like it. This is very funny.

You make such great chapter names! WHY CAN'T I DO THAT?!

well, maybe it's because i write more ominous stories...

weel, Batty, you're a great relief writer. TOO DAM FOONY! BLAAAWWWAAAAAARRGH! *dies*

Chapter 5
Devan takes Rook; Check!

"DEVAN?!?"
"I STILL can't believe how you guys fell for the OLDEST of tricks in the Evil Mad Scientist Book!" laughed the nerdy turty. "I mean, it's like- 'HELLO: Anybody ever heard of Robot Duplicates??' You actually never thought I had a backup plan?"
"Um... Boss- doesn't a plan mean that you actually planned something instead of merely taking an opportunity?"
"Shut up. Anyway, during the time it took you guys to go through my lab, I had already started shutting it down, and loading a few of my key minions into an old reliable spaceship I happed to have..."
"You mean that minivan spaceship you got from the antique dealer during your college days?"
Devan casually reached over and grabbed his partner by the beak.
"STOP CALLING IT A MINIVAN! I, DEVAN SHELL, DO NOT DRIVE A MINIVAN!!!"
"Um... Ok, I'll shut up now..." said the lizard, nervously recalling something he learned from his years of being a sidekick: NEVER talk when your boss is on one of his/her explaining-the-evil-plan monologues.
"Anyway..." Devan continued. "I thought it best to keep the old lab on standby rather then just pulling the plug on the whole thing. Maybe turn it into a Museum for the future evil dictators of the universe to learn tricks from the master..." "What master? You got Martha Stewart on your speed-dial or something?" Jazz deadpanned.
"I'll forget I heard that... Oh, And by the way: Just in case any of you get ideas of reclaiming this fine piece of architecture- I should warn you that I made a few tasteful changes in the decor! I don't like to brag, but this little bungalow now makes Castle Greyskull look like one of those kiddy-parks at McDonald's..." Devan pulled out a remote control, and pushed a large red glowing button that said 'Die Nasty'.
Instantly, there was a grinding noise, and a REALLY huge laser cannon popped out of the top of the castle, and aimed itself at the rabbits.
Five sets of eyes twitched involuntarily.
A slip second later a really big scary laser blast created a smoldering crater in... the location they WOULD have been had they been stupid enough to stand still.(Which, fortunately for the continuity of all war tavern stories, they were not.)
"Well, much as I'd like to wail on you losers some more, I got important changes I plan on making to the governmental process. Toodles!" With that Devan ducked back into the window. "Um,.. Have a nice day!" Added the lizard, as he followed his boss.
"Well, I guess it could have been worse." Spaz mumbled. Lori looked over at him sideways. "Oh really, how?" "He could have catapulted a cow at us..."
"We NEED to figure out a plan to kick that lousy reptile out of there!"
"Well, WHATEVER we decide to do, we can't talk about it HERE!" Jazz said. "For all we know, Devan's still listening in..."
"Well, where do you expect us TO talk?" Asked the queen. "Now that he's got access to the castle whose to say he hasn't got access to OTHER places." Jazz thought for a while, before a buck-toothed grin appeared on his face. "That's it! I can't believe I forgot about it!" "What?"
"A very important item I haven't had to use for a while now!" Jazz said, still grinning. "We're heading back to my old burrow..."
"I'll get the industrial strength roach bombs and sanitized rubber gloves!" Spaz added.
"Oh knock it off, Spaz- It's not THAT big of a pit..." grumbled his brother. "It's just..."
"-A disaster area?"
"...NO!!! Well lived in..."
"Considering we haven't 'lived in' it for a while..."
"Oh... Nevermind..."

What is this important, yet myterious item Jazz has stored up in that pig sty he formally called home?
Jazz interupted "Et tu, Batty?"
... Ahem... Anyway:

To Be Continued in chapter 6:
Down the old-habit hole
(Congrads to anyone who knows what reference Castle Greyskull is from. You are a true child of the 80's)

This is great. Keep updating it.

Remember that the rabbit hole's next to a phone booth..

Que Passa!!!!

Don't worry... I do./\/\
(I love that opening animation.)

I completely forgot that hole was there.

STOOPID me.

Awesome story!
Verry funny.
this has a great plot, and a fair amount of suspense...Plus its humorous and fun!

Que Passa!!!!

As you can probably guess, given the date: school is the thing that held this chapter back. As a result, this story cannot really be continued on weekdays anymore: Business before pleasure, you know...

Chapter 6:
Down the Old-habit Hole

Jazz's pad just screamed 'humble beginnings': A simple hole in the ground with a personalized mailbox off to the side (The only article left in the box was a publishers clearing house letter.). In fact the only thing that seemed to identify it as the home of a superhero was the conveniently located telephone booth, which was NEVER actually used to call someone. In fact, it seemed to have never been used since Jazz left, indicated by the family of hiphops that had built a nest inside it... The queen could not fit into the hole, so she had to stand watch outside while the rest of them went down.
Spaz was right: the entire burrow looked like a cyclone had gone through it- and since it was underground, the mere thought of that was unimaginable.
"What's with all the rocks?" Lori asked, looking at a corner of the burrow, where a rather large pile of the things was haphazardly stashed. They appeared to be very ordinary rocks, albeit in a variety of odd shapes and colors.
"Um... Old spoils of past victories." Jazz said before moving over to a large pile of junk in the middle. "Anyway, help me look." "Yeah- Grab a shovel." "Ok: ENOUGH with the messy room jokes, already! Is it MY fault every time I tried to straighten up, some planet needed assistance somewhere??? Anyway, it's in a small metal safe."

"Come on... come on... Where IS it?" Jazz muttered to himself. He had just finished looking under the bed, and was now looking in the kitchen. All he found was a fuzzy piece of pizza, a set of half ripped comic books, and Elvis Presley, who escaped before anyone could ask him for an autograph.
"HEY! Here it is!" Eva said, holding up a small safe with a padlock dial. "GREAT!" Jazz said rushing over and snatching it. "Now let's see, what was that combination again: The numbers in my birthday added together... the date of my graduation..." he fiddled around with the dial for a couple of minutes, each time entering in different number combination. No matter what he tried the safe refused to surrender its contents to its owner.
"Oh- forget it..." he said finally. Pulling out his gun, he shot the door off with one blast to the hinges.
There was a small box inside. Taking it out and opening it, Jazz reviled a small ball-shaped electronic device. "What's that?" "Just a little gizmo I used back when I was a rookie to plan missions." Jazz said, pushing a button on the side.
The machine made a small whirring sound, and a large light shot out of the top.
The light showed a 3-D holographic diagram of what looked like a sector of the junkyard 'planet' of Scraparap. "It's a standard issue 'Holomap-buddy'." "Holomap-'BUDDY'?!?" "Yeah... somebody in the marketing department must have been drinking too much coffee, I guess... Anyway, it was a graduation gift from my parents." Turning the device over, Jazz pointed to a small message from his folks congratulating him for his schooling success. "It's supposed to have some instant scanning doohickey that renders an image of an area and points out important details. Haven't had to use it since I started devoting all my superheroing to Devan's follies. Anyway, since Devan did something to the castle door, this little gem could give us a clue on how to get in. Heck- since we already know what the castle looked like before Devan took over, we might be able to preview the changes we might not notice inside."

"Took you long enough..." Grumbled the queen as everyone came back out.
"Hey... Where's Spaz?" asked Eva, doing a quick headcount. "Must still be in the hole." Jazz guessed. He put his head down underground and called out.
"Hey, Spaz- You coming or not?"
Spaz took one last bite out of his fuzzy piece of pizza before rejoining the others outside...

Will Jazz and his friends be able to get in with the help of their new cheap plot dev... er... I mean, tool? What the heck kind of a name is Holomap-buddy, anyway?

To be continued in chapter 7:
Hasslevania

"Hello..."
-The Plot Device
Sheep in the Big City

Ooh! Didn't notice this had been updated, somehow.

Good work. It screams.. uhhh.. humble beginnings. Only not quite. Yeah.

By the way, this is the 6000th post in the War Tavern. Go me.

I always miss these things. Poony.

Que Passa!!!!

(HA... Thought I would rhyme Seven with Heaven, didn't you...)

Chapter 7:
Hasslevania


"Ok... So how does this badly-named piece of equipment work, anyway?"
"Simple: I just point it at the castle and push this button."
The Holomap-Buddy shook for a few seconds before producing:

A holographic image of Jazz's skeleton and digestive track.

"Um... Oops- had the silly thing facing the wrong way."
Jazz sheepishly turned the machine over and pushed the button again. This time, the desired castle hologram came into focus.
"Hmmm... Mammalian-repelling force feild?... Looks like SOMEBODY'S been getting ideas from reruns of 'Bucky O'Hare'..." "WHAT kind of force field?" "Well, in laymans terms, anything with fur that touches that door gets pushed back with a repelling force equal to that of getting hit with a wrecking ball the size of Texas. Fortuantly, it only seems to be effecting the door..." "Oh... Is THAT all?" Spaz muttered happily. Before anyone could stop him he ran up to the door.

"Knock knock..." said Spaz at the top of his lungs.
"What's he doing?" the queen whispered to Eva. "Shhh... It may be hard to believe before you really get to know him, but Spaz knows what he's doing... I think..."
"Uh... yah- whatta youse want?"
"Intergallactic Delivery Services. We have a box of chocolate-covered tadpoles for a Mr... Devan Shell."
"Just put it next to the door."
"Oh, I'm sorry sir but you have to sign for it."
>"Don't do it ya maroon... Boss said not to open the door for ANY REASON..."<
>"Um... Yeah, but... Boss sure does like his snack foods..."<
The door opened and a Doofyguard stuck his head out... "Ok... Where do I-"

WHUMP!!!!

"Lets see..." After an extensive search, Devan had finally located the "Code of Carrotus", the official book of rules, laws, and rights for the entire planet. Unfortunately, he had also gotten his hands on a bottle of white-out and a crayon. "How many G's in the words 'Public Flogging'- two or three?"
"Um... Boss?..."
"Man... THIS is the GOOD life."
"Boooosss..."
"I mean- just think about it: How are those dim-witted rabbits going to stop me now, when they can't even get through the front door. HAHAHAHAHA..."
"-Boss... I hate to tell you but, they DID get in the front door."
"...HAHAHAHAhahaha...............!!!!!............. .........." Devan ran to the window just in time to see Spaz ushering in the rest of the rabbits past the unconcious guards.
"... Well.......That's STILL no reason to panic... Besides even if they can get through that gauntlet of boobie traps I set, I have a fool-proof plan for stopping them in their tracks!"
"Um... isn't that the same thing you said LAST time, boss?"
"Hmm... good point... Well, I guess it's just like mother always said..."
"You mean; 'If you mutate the dog one more time, you're grounded'?"
"No! 'It never hurts to have more then one fiendish plan'. Pass me my cell phone."
The lizard practically fell over himself in an attempt to comply. Taking the phone from his loyal assistant, Devan tapped out a number and put the phone to his ear... er...ear hole... um... you know- whatever it is turtles use to listen...
"Start talking..."
"Hi ya, old buddy."
"Oh great... YOU again... Let me guess; bad hare day?"
"Well... yeah, but..."
"NO!"
"Come on, I'm so close to actually ruling this pathetic planet! I just have a... few loose ends."
"Yeah- a big green loose end with the initials J.J."
"Um... Yeah- him and... others..."
"WHAT?!? No dice, wormbreath- that rabbit is bad news by HIMSELF! You can forget about him and 'others'. I had an UNTARNISHED record before my fight with him, and now it's had a big ugly scar on it for nearly 10 years... 10 YEARS- you have ANY clue how something like that can tear at a guy's mind? As we say in the business: 'go find yourself another gullible cretin.'!"
"But I have a fool-proof plan this time..."
"Good for you- now BUG OFF BUCKO!"
"Look, you get rid of that rabbit once and for all, and you can name you OWN price. Heck- if you fail, I'll STILL pay you your usual rates. And THAT'S my FINAL offer."
"...Hmmm... It's against my better judgment but... You got yourself a deal... Boss."

What is Devan's new "Fool-proof" plan, and how will it fail miserably this time? How long will I keep up the lame "Public Flogging" joke in my stories? More importantly: who is this mysterious character Devan has doing his dirty work? Oh please, you should know me well enough to know who my favorite Jazz Jackrabbit villain was...

To be continued in chapter 8:
House Creeping

Zoonik.

Late edit because it's not worth it to post another post.. I just noticed chapter 5 has no "Que Passa!!!!".

Que Passa!!!!

Aww... You gave it away, spoilsport... Ahh, well, that REALLY BIG hint was just asking for SOMEONE to post who it was.
/\/\
Yes... I admit: it is Zoonik... and I'm going to once again have fun with his teleportation ability...

Wow this is a great story. Everyonce in a while on that telephone call and other dialouges you should say whos speaking. (Ihad to reread that phone call 21/2 times to realise when Devan was speaking and when Zoonik(it was already given away) was talking.)

No the story is dying!!!
Batty, save us!!!!!

Warning! This story has not been updated for a dangerously long time. The author must come up with some crazy plot twist in the next chapter, or risk being electrocuted by the Super-Duper Refrigerator of Justice.

Refresh my memory, which one's Zoonik?

Zoonik is the boss in (I think) Exoticus, from JJ1. He's a oddly colored hedgehog who can shoot a red version of pepper spray, not to mention teleport.

Que Passa!!!!

Sorry for the time it took to write this: I was mostly spending all my writing energy writing essays for classes. BTW: Unknown Rabbit is correct about Zoonik- but two things he left out are his clothes (pinkish-purple sunglasses with green overalls) and his odd-looking tail. (It looks kind of like a fox's tail, or a cat's tail.)

Chapter 8:
House Creeping

"Lets see here." Jazz said, looking over the holographic image on the Holomap-Buddy. The five of them had just come to an intersection in the castle halls. "That way leads to a room with a robotic horse, that way has a bottle of poison labeled 'Drink me', and that way leads to a foggy room full of giant snakes."
"What about that way?" Spaz asked, pointing to the one doorway Jazz had failed to point out.
Jazz sighed "That would be the way we came in through..." "Oh, yeah... NOW I remember..." Spaz chuckled, turning a slightly deeper shade of red.
"Weren't we already in a room with a robotic horse?" Lori asked. "You know: the one right before that room with the little fuzzy guys with knives." "Yeah- I guess Devan ran out of ideas and desided to double-up a little..."
"Well, the room with the poison sounds easiest to me." Said the queen. "I mean- who would be crazy enough to just drink something that says 'Drink Me'?"
All four gave Spaz a sideways glance... "Oh, come on- even I'M not THAT crazy..."

"Where IS he?" Devan was starting to get nervous. Zoonik had yet to show up, and Jazz was passing through his traps faster then he had anticipated. It was almost as if he had someone warning him about all the traps ahead of time. Nah, it HAD to be some cheap plot trick written in by Batty.
"Computer: set up the communication link to my scouts." A soft beep noise responded, and a large communicator screen appeared in front of him. The screen flickered before revealing Devan's right-hand lizard and a swartzenguard wearing military helmets. Looking at the cameras, the lizard responded first:
"Hey Boss! Look- I'm on TV!" said the lizard happily. He then started to sing badly:
"Susie had a steamboat. Steamboat had a bell. Susie pulled the wrong cord, and blew us all to OOOF!!!" His song ended abruptly when the swartzenguard casually backhanded him in the snout.
"Thanks. How are things looking?" Devan asked.
"Not too good, boss." Said the guard. "Jazz was able to take out one half of your monsters all by himself. Whatshername... Lori won't stand still long enough to get a bead on her, Eva's stronger then she looks, and our weapons only seem to make the Queen angry."
'Oh cripes' Devan thought to himself. 'It's happening all over again...'
His lizard henchman interrupted his line of thought "Um... Boss, remember that hoard of 50,000 six-legged blood-sucking doom monkeys you sent after them?"
"Yeah..." Devan paused for a second, and then finally asked "What happened?"
The swarzenguard's face turned a deeper shade of green and he ran off camera to find relief. The lizard seemed unfazed, however, and continued reporting what he just saw. "Well, your going to find this hard to believe, but that red ugly guy just ATE them!"
"... excuse me?"
"He just opened up, and they disappeared down his gullet. It was pretty..."
The evil turtle stared angrily at the remains of his communicator- now with a large battleaxe buried in the middle. After taking a couple of deep breaths, he took a small tape recorder and held it up to his mouth. "Note to self: Research better anger-management techniques."
"Sounds like you're in pretty deep, there, boss-man." Devan turned towards the sound of the voice and saw...
"Zoonik?!?... Um, how long have you been standing there?"
"Long enough to overhear just what I'm up against." The strange creature's voice rang out, despite his lack of a mouth or any other possible place for his voice to come from. "What I have yet to hear is what this big 'foolproof' plan of yours is..."
"Yeah, well check THIS out, pal." Devan fumbled around the pockets of his shell before producing a bunch of blueprint and handing it to the... whatever he is... Zoonik read over the first page of the plan for a few seconds before saying "That's IT? A big robot? Look, Dev, I know you're supposed to be a scientific genius, but this seems a little... Lacking..."
"Oh really..." said Devan smugly. "Look at the REST of the schematics..."
Zoonik flipped through the rest of the plans and starred at his boss again. "Ok... I'll give it a chance... How long is it going to take to build this thing?" "Oh, don't worry about THAT." Said Devan proudly. "It's already built and ready to go in the next room. I've been working on it ever since I called you."
'Geeze' Zoonik thought to himself. 'This guy really has no life! Ah well, another day, another dollar...'

"WOW!!! Spaz- THAT was AMAZING!!!" said Jazz in awe. Judging by the disgusted looks on the three females, they didn't share Jazz's opinions on Spaz's wondrous digestive track. Spaz himself didn't look as perky as he had a second ago. "Anyone got an antacid?" he asked shakily. "Walk it off, solder, we're almost there. Just two more rooms- and it looks like this next one just has one of Devan's stupid robots in it." Jazz said, looking at the Holomap-Buddy. Sure enough, there was a large robot figure in the room adjacent to them. "Huh? What's THAT?" Eva asked, pointing at the image. There was a small flashing exclamation point over the figures head.
"Oh, that's just a 'detail' icon. . Jazz pushed a button on the side of the machine that was supposed to activate the icon and bring more information on the robot when...
"WARNING: The current program has preformed an illegal operation and must be restarted." The Holomap-Buddy's hologram turned into a blue image with the hateful words printed in space.
"Ah, man..." Jazz muttered. "Blue hologram of Death." He flipped the device upside down and looked at a small hole in the bottom labeled 'reset'. "I don't suppose anyone has a paperclip on them to push the 'reset' button..." Everyone groaned. "Ah well- we're almost done anyway. Let's go already!" said the queen. "The sooner that reptile is out of the castle the better." With that she opened the door and they all filed into the next room.
"Hey- I thought you said there was going to be some kind of robot in here." Lori said.
True to her words, the room appeared to be completely empty. There were a few nasty-looking wires lining the wall that, knowing Devan, were probably electrically charged, and a checkerboard floor, but other then that, the room was very nondescript.
"Maybe Devan decided to give up." "Yeah- and maybe Spaz decided to go on a diet." Eva joked. Spaz, meanwhile had taken out a checklist. On it were the names of various deadly beasts: The ravonous bugbladder beast of Traal, dopefish, vampire pig, Network CEO, along with the words "Frequant Eaters club". Spaz pulled out a pencil and checked off "Six-legged blood-sucking doom monkey."
"There." he said. "Now all I gotta do is eat a GRUE, and I win a free toaster..."
Just then there was a sudden flashing light that appeared right in front of them. Instinctively, they all covered their eyes to keep from being blinded.
When they uncovered them, there was a gigantic battle-droid in front of them.
A gigantic battle-droid manned by a familiar-looking figure wearing a set of sunglasses and a pair of overalls.
"Hiya, bunnyboy..."

What powers does Zoonik's new toy have? Will Spaz ever win that toaster for his "Frequant Eaters club"?

To be continued in chapter 9:
Zoonikulee Zoonikula

(PS, if you recognize the descriptions of the rooms in the castle as rooms in ANOTHER game, congrads.)

Contuniue....
Please...
ok?

This is becoming funnier.

And Spaz is on a diet, how else ould he be so durned thin?!

Que Passa!!!!

Well, I blame his thinness on a condition known as "Jughead Jones" syndrome, in which no matter how much a character eats, they remain as skinny as Olive Oil.

Another person with J.J.S. is Norville "Shaggy" Rogers(From Scooby Doo.)

Too true. I concede. Er, concur. Er, uh... *shoots himself*

heh, Jughead Jones syndrome...