Chapter 1
Prologue

Dizbob was not an ordinary rabbit. Once during the peak of his glory he could’ve overcome any foe daring to challenge to him. His reputation was heard of throughout the land. But those were the days of his glory, and after all the fame had died out, he was now just an ordinary rabbit in the little town of Rapulum who enjoyed being idle often.
Of course, Rapulum being a “small town” was an exaggeration. It had only the bare necessities of what a town should have and a few homes, occupied by only travelers wishing to stay for only a little while, old retired rabbits, or those seeking solitude, isolation, or peace. Dizbob wanted a quiet life.

The town of Rapulum was located on the borderlands of a territory known as Cuniculosus (the word was believed to have a certain meaning, but the dialects and scripts signifying what it meant where misplaced and lost in time..). Adjacent to the territory of Cuniculosus was an unclaimed land, where few rabbits dared venture in. In it, were mazes of swamps with water so thick you could not see further than an arms length below. The trees were barren and gnarled, the skies always cloudy and seemed to radiate a certain gloom. Who would live in these lands? Escapees, prisoners, rebels, tribes of barbarian rabbits who have turned towards cannibalism. It was a prime place for escaped or wanted prisoners to flee to, because once you enter the wilderness, the guards dare not go after you, and consider you as “dead” in the books. Other than several raids across the borders, Cuniculosus has had no problems with what lies in the wilderness, and let anyone living there to tend to their own affairs.
How could you tell when Cuniculosus ended and the wilderness began? Simple. Walls, guard outposts, barriers consisting of carved wooden spears, all that which resided on the very border of Cuniculosus was there to ensure the protection of its citizens, so no cannibal rabbit tribesmen or highly dangerous prisoners would simply walk in. Even though there were cities where you could glance out of the window and be staring into the wilderness, the townsfolk were too used to the protection of the guards, and the thought that there would be any attack or breakthrough never crossed their minds. In fact, people who thought so were given a cold look and thought to be paranoid.

Chapter 1
The Plan

The sun gleamed brightly and the sky was a beautiful blue. Dizbob walked happily down the marble sidewalk through the small town. A few townsfolk he knew well were moving the lawn during the beautiful morning, and he gave them a wave as he walked past. A young rabbit was swinging on a swing in his backyard and called out Dizbob’s name as he saw him walk past. It was young Timmy Thurston.
“What can I do for you today, Timmy?” Dizbob leaned on the wooden fence separating the kid’s backyard from the sidewalk.
“Hullo Dizbob! Great day for a Sunday, isn’t it?” Timmy cheerfully replied
“Aye, indeed it is, and I have a feeling that you’re going to ask me for something aren’t you, little Timmy?”
“Well….it being Sunday and all, the Carrotus Post should’ve arrived, right” Timmy grinned.
“Yeah..”
“Well, I was um…kinda wondering if you could uh….bring me a newspaper to read from it. I know my mom says I’m not old enough but I really like reading and and-”
“I’ll see what I can do,” Dizbob replied and cut Timmy short.

Dizbob slowly paced around the bend and saw the John Farlington waving the new issue of Carrotus Post in the air.
“Read all about it folks, straight from the MacLellan press, the new weekly issue of Carrotus Post! This one’s an interesting read, folks!”
Dizbob slowly walked up behind John and patted him on the shoulder, startling him.
“Oi, Dizbob! What you be doing ‘ere?” John replied, “Ye don’t usually read the papers!”
“I’d like two copies please, John,”
“That’d be 4 coins Dizbob, 2 coins per paper.”
“2? Has the price increased or something, last time I checked it was 1 per paper.”
“Yea, but the Quist read through this one ‘imself. ‘Tis a very interesting issue I might add.”
“King Quist read through the papers already”
“Yea, very important news in ‘ere. You gonna buy one or not?”
Dizbob reached into his fur and took out his wallet. “Lets see…I only have 12 coins with me right now…I was hoping I’d have enough to buy a pack of Carrot Mix this afternoon. They come in packs of 12 now, you know?”
“Oh really eh? Might go and buy meself one later on ‘en. Don’t mind me asking, but why’d you want 2 copies of the same paper”
Dizbob looked pack at the backyard where Timmy was, peering over the fence and eagerly waiting for Dizbob’s return. John Farlington gave out a sigh and then nodded, “Alright ‘en. Second one is on me,” as he gave Dizbob the papers, “Just make sure my manager doesn’t find out alright?”
Dizbob gave a wink and paced back down the sidewalk to in front of Timmy’s backyard, and threw him a paper. Enjoy, Kiddo. As Dizbob walked towards the corner store to buy himself some Carrot Mix, he opened the newspaper and began reading.
Hm..Lets see.. Carrot Shortage in Northern Cuniculosus, good thing I don’t live there. Dethman’s 38th birthday next week, probably going to be a huge party…Hey what’s this? Most Wanted Criminal Escapes the Rabbit Force…flees into the wilderness with his supporters…Better read up on this.

“Yesterday night, the famous tyrant and feared criminal Stratoavis, aka “Admiral Strato” escaped the Rabbit Force as he ran through the slums of various cities heading westward until he passed the barrier between Cuniculosus and the wilderness. Admiral Strato has been wanted and searched for by the police for almost 7 years, for cases such as first degree murder, mutiny, hijacking several cars, robbery..the list goes on. The Rabbit Force, a group of elitist and specially trained rabbits, were hired by King Quist 2 years ago to search for Admiral Strato and bring him to justice. Recently they have broken into his hideout and captured several of his followers, including Diktarbal the Assassin and Andrew Holdes, the Warrior. Sadly, Admiral Strato and some of his followers had sneaked and fought their way past the Rabbit Force, killing 3 of the members in the process, raced through several cities during the night, and had made it past the outpost separating Cuniculosus from the wilderness at approximately 2:30 am. If Admiral Strato had been caught by the Rabbit Force, he would’ve been brought to court and executed for his crimes. The court session for Diktarbal and Holdes begins in approximately 2 weeks.
Although still considered a threat, authorities have given up on him since he was lost in the wilderness. “If we don’t hear from him within 2 weeks, he’s probably dead and we have more stressful needs to waste our military on instead of beating on a dead horse. Until then though, authorities are advised to be in yellow alert, and backup troops will be sent to every borderline outpost.” Police Chief Scizor CT stated.
Dizbob had finished reading as he got to the store, then closed his paper and walked in. The shopkeeper had gone, was probably taking a day off. In his place was a kid in his late teens, who probably works part time as many others choose to do so. Dizbob recognized him after some pondering as 4I Falcon. Dizbob browsed through the store, and put a 12-pack of Carrot Mix drink on the counter.
“That would be 10 coins sir. Would you like me to put it in a bag?” 4I said in an extremely monotonous and drowsy voice, as if he’d been saying the same line throughout the entire day to several customers.
“No thanks,” Dizbob replied as he handed him the remaining coins he had and took the Carrot Mix and began walking towards the door.
“Have a good day and thank you for shopping at the Corner Store,” in the same monotonous and drowsy voice as before, 4I said to Dizbob as he walked out of the store.
Dizbob sat on a nearby porch and opened a bottle of Carrot Mix and gulped it down. “Man, half my money goes towards this stuff.” Dizbob said to himself, as he opened another bottle…

_____________________________________________

This looked a lot better in word =P. Unfortunately JCF can't tell where any italic/bold tags in Microsoft Word were placed or anything else, so I had to redo that, as well as font sizes and paragraph setting. No indentation also sucks.
Otherwise, try to enjoy ;(. More might come sometime in the near/far future.

As I said, I like the setting. Keep up the good wark.

>D!

Yay I like. I hope I get to meet King Quist and beat up evil peoples . Be sure to tell me when you write more BR.

This stuff could use a title because it's obviously about Dizbob and not about BR. ;P It's a good story, but the prologue could have been beefed up by giving a bit more of Dizbob's background. I just hope that there's going to be a chase scene in the future.

Chapter 2
First Strike

2 weeks later…

Dizbob lay lying in his bed, staring unblinkingly into the dull ceiling of his room. It was sometime early morning, he did not know exactly when. He had no plans for the day (barely anybody in Rapulum has plans) and was thus planning to sleep a while longer. He would’ve carried out the idea if it weren’t for some tapping noises on his windowsill. Yawningly, he stood and looked through the window to find himself staring at the face of Timmy Thurston. Timmy was apparently trying to tell Dizbob something, but the window had filtered out the noise. Dizbob pushed open the window, unaware that it was the only thing Timmy was holding on to, and before Dizbob could react with a quick yelp Timmy’s hands slipped off the window and he came tumbling into the underbrush underneath. Darn. Gotta remember the fact that I live on the second floor…
“Sorry about that kiddo, what was it you wanted to say?”
Timmy got up from the bushes and spat out several leaves. His fur was snarled and had several twigs protruding out of it. “I said, turn on your TV!”
Dizbob had walked downstairs and towards the foyer, and let Timmy into his house. They both walked towards the living room and Dizbob turned on the television to the channel Timmy had told him to.
“..and therefore the trial for Diktarbal and Andrew Holdes has been carried out today. Without a doubt, the jury found them both guilty in several areas, and they are both scheduled to be executed tomorrow morning. In related news, no word of Admiral Strato has been heard of, nor has he been seen anywhere near the borderland, authorities have therefore assumed him to be recently deceased. Now, for our commercial break! An attractive female rabbit stands in front of a flashing backround holding a roll of toilet paper. “Buy the Super Paper! It’s 100% rabies-tested, it’s safe, its fuzzy, and its recyclab –CLICK-
Dizbob had turned off the television. Timmy stared up to him, anxious, “Are we going to see an exectecutionabob tomorrow Bobby, are we? Are we?”
Dizbob smiled and escorted Timmy out the door, “I think you need to be home soon.”
And Timmy ran off.


Haresburg, the Capital of Cuniculosus, the following evening…

“Man, this sucks. Why didn’t they shoot us on the spot there or something? They expect us to wait in here in this crummy jail cell until next morning when they actually ARE going to kill us?” Andrew Holdes was furiously punching the jail cell wall. Diktarbal sat scrunched up in a corner looking through the bars.
Andrew Holdes looked like a giant. He was extremely muscular for a rabbit, with a good build, and was really tall. His veins were surging with anger. Diktarbal looked like a dwarf compared to him; he was only half the height (and half the width) of Andrew Holdes, but this never did discourage Diktarbal. He relied more on stealth than on sheer brute force, and his size was just perfect for that.
“You know what else really boils my tea? These jail cell uniforms smell horrible. I feel like I’m wearing something that was on a corpse 3 minutes ago…”
Andrew was about to spout out more complaints, but Diktarbal suddenly jumped up and signaled him to be quiet.
“I just heard something…” Diktarbal whispered.
“Probably the jail guard checking up on us..”
“No, quiet…”

A swift as sound, a dark shape appeared in front of the jail cell, and with a flick of a blade in its hand, a portion of the jail bars fell to the ground with a clunk. The dark figure signaled them to move out, and ran down the hallway. They quickly followed it.
“Won’t the jail guards have heard the noise?” Andrew whispered to Diktarbal as they ran.
As they turned a corner towards a staircase leading above, a security guard lay sprawled across it with his body mangled. As they exited the damp and cramped underground jailhouse and were greeted by daylight, they noticed the dark shape they were following was wearing a cloak as dim as the night.
“Where do you think he’s leading us?” Holdes asked.
“I think...he's leading us to freedom," Diktarbal replied.


The Day after the execution date…

After word of the escapees was let lose, people again fell into a state of nervousness and paranoia. Guards at the border outposts were again doubled in number, and on the news Dizbob could see King Quist was in a very troubled state. Even worse, the rate of the attacks on the borders seems to have almost doubled. There was rumor of even some small villages having to be evacuated. Despite this, life in Rapulum, Dizbob’s life, continued on normally, until a rather spectacular event happened this afternoon.
Dizbob was parched. He was walking down the streets of Rapulum, hoping to stumble upon some Carrot Mix. Unfortunately, the shortage of carrots in the north which he had so long ago heard about spread further south and to the west, affecting the companies which provide Rapulum with its beverages. He hoped the local bar would have one.
The bar was old and decrepit, it had been in the town as long as anyone could remember. It was the only place for visitors to stay in, as it had cheap renting rooms upstairs. The prices were affordable and cheap, it being currently owned by a kind and polite rabbit known as Dalspots. Many visitors had stopped to rest at the bar in the past, but with the recent events the numbers were now declining. Dizbob walked through the worn and partially rotten wooden doors of the bar, and straight towards the counter.
“Ah, Dizbob. Haven’t seen you in a long while. What can I get you?”
“Some Carrot Mix would be fine, if you have any.”
“You’re just in luck, I have a few more bottles, here you go.” Dizbob exchanged a gold coin and received a small bottle of Carrot Mix. He glanced around at his company in the bar. The only people currently in it were 4I Falcon, slumped over a table in a corner with two glasses of some sort of beverage next to him, and a rabbit he did not recognize, nor could he see the face of due to the hooded cloak he was wearing. He seemed to be drinking some sort of strong alcoholic beverage. Dizbob paid no attention to the man and walked over to 4I Falcon.
“Hey, what’re you doing here? Don’t you have that part time job at the Corner Store?”
4I Falcon slowly glanced up at Dizbob, and in his eyes Dizbob could see he was slightly intoxicated. “Feh. No business lately, times are hard enough already. Let alone the fact that we lost half our imports because of the blasted carrot shortage. Storekeeper says he can’t afford to pay me anymore, so I’m currently unemployed.”
“Ah, well cheer up. Things’ll get better soon I guess,” Dizbob replied, but he could already see that 4I Falcon had fallen into a deep slumber. On the chair next to 4I Dizbob could see a bottle of some sort of liquor, and he picked it up. “Oh, and try to lay off these things. They’ll kill your brain cells.” Dizbob took the half empty bottle and threw it into the trash. As Dizbob was about to leave the bar, the hooded figure approached him.
“You’re Dizbob aren’t you?” It said in an unnerving raspy voice.
“Yeah…”
Dizbob glanced down just in time to see the hooded figure reveal a hidden knife and managed to dodge just in time as it darted the knife at him. Dizbob still had some of the glory from his former days with him, and he jump kicked the knife out of the hooded figure’s hand. It gave a hiss-like noise, and retreated further back. It reached into its cloak and pulled out two, longer knives, and gave a chuckle. Dalspots had noticed what was going on and gave a loud scream, which awoke 4I. In commotion, the hooded figure threw one of the knives at Dizbob, which narrowly missed his cheek. It threw the second one at Dizbob’s head, but 4I Falcon, who had just awoken in time to see what was occurring, threw a stool which collided in the knife’s path.
The hooded figure let out a vile grunt, and darted out through the bar doors. Dizbob was about to follow it when he heard a loud, raspy yell. He looked out through the window of the bar and saw the hooded figure darting away at full speed, clutching its shoulder with one arm, apparently wounded. Dizbob, 4I Falcon and Dalspots all stepped outside to see a rabbit clad in military armor wielding a sword with some fresh blood on its tip. The rabbit did not glance at them, but seemed to be aware of their presence.
“Darn, missed his neck by just over an inch. I’m going to need to work up on my ambushes.”
Dizbob stared at the rabbit, trying to connect its voice with some image from the past.
“Solomon Blacksirthe. Known and dangerous criminal. Escaped just over 4 months ago into the wilderness. We thought he’d be done for, but he’s made some appearances here and there lately and we’ve managed to track him,” the rabbit glanced at Dizbob, “I can see why he came here.”
Suddenly, Dizbob’s mind sparked. He ran down up to the armored rabbit, and smiled. “Well, Firesword, it’s been a long time.”
The armored rabbit took off its helmet, revealing the head of known and admired knight of Carrotus, Firesword. “Indeed it has.”
After Firesword had explained what had happened to 4I and Dalspots, they both returned to the bar. Firesword then walked back up to Dizbob. “We need to have a long talk.”

__________________________________________________

Because many people (aka Strato and Violet) wanted, Chapter 2 was released seperate of chapter 3. Enjoy and comment pls ;(.

Originally Posted by Blackraptor

He ran down up to the armored rabbit, and smiled.

Choose one direction, but not both of them.

Anyway, interesting, but be careful you don't end up having too many characters. (Why are the heroes cameos and the villains made up people?)

villians arent made up people. If you look closely, one of them is a jj2 player whos identity should be obvious, the other is also a jj2 player who's identity is fairly obvious if you look closer, and the 3rd is a jj2 player too, but his identity is more like an inside joke kind of thing.

Isn't the villain Strato? :S He's real, afaik.

Originally Posted by White Rabbit

Isn't the villain Strato? :S He's real, afaik.

Silly, Stratten isn't real ;D.
Holdes shares my views on execution =D

Chapter 3
Partings

Thus so, Dizbob and Firesword strolled around Rapulum, discussing things as they went. At first, the conversation was on a serious topic, about the threat of the escapees in relation to Admiral Strato, and increasing attacks on the border. Then it steered off into more of a “so how’s life where you are?” direction, and both of them were happy to discuss some of the occurrences that happened since Dizbob had last seen Firesword (back in the days where Dizbob was a famed warrior who served in Quist’s legion). By the time they were finished, the sky was showing signs of approaching dusk. Firesword abruptly stopped, and placed his hand upon Dizbob’s shoulder.
“Of course, you know the real reason I came wasn’t to inform you of recent occurrences and to converse with you. Well, the truth is, I’ve been sent here for you.”
“By whom?”
“King Quist. We had hoped we would get to your before anybody else did. Unfortunately we didn’t, but luck had still shone on us. Our military is short. We have most our force dealing with the attacks on the border. Of course, if you haven’t noticed the flaw in this already, that doesn’t stop the real problem. We need to find out where the attacks are coming from. For that, King Quist has assembled a special team, and he had hoped you would be part of that team.”
Dizbob looked at Firesword, then turned his attention towards a nearby rock on the ground. “I don’t know, I’d have to think about this...”
“Well, can’t say you’ve got forever. Attacks are getting nearer and nearer. Of course, you have heard of several towns being evacuated?”
“I thought that was only a rumor…”
“Sadly, it’s reality. You know John Farlington right? He sometimes visits this town on certain businesses and such.”
“Yes, I know him well enough. Why?”
“He’s been speared through the head earlier today. An attack broke through the border and several people in nearby towns have been slaughtered. He was traveling through the area at that time and happened to be unlucky.”
“Oh….” Firesword could hint sadness in Dizbob’s voice.
“Give me until tomorrow…” Dizbob asked.

Dizbob awoke the next morning by a loud noise, and peered outside his window. He got out of his house, and saw a large truck nearby, and approached it. He could tell by the markings on its sides that it was a moving truck. Nearby, he saw Elysia and Ted Thurston, Timmy’s parents. They seemed unaware of his presence, and he stood there and stared. As they went inside, accompanied by two well-built rabbits (the movers, probably), Timmy came out. He stood and looked around, until he noticed Dizbob and ran up to him.
“Hullo Dizbob! I would say good morning, but this one is not really one!”
“What’s with all the moving and stuff? You going somewhere kiddo?”
“Yeah. Daddy says it’s not safe to live here anymore, so we’s moving to somewhere east!”
“East eh? Did he tell you what town?”
“No…and I don’t think we are going to come back, Dizbob!”
“Oh…that means you probably won’t see me again kiddo.”
“No! Don’t say that! I’ll try to come back some day! I promise!”
This was an awkward moment of silence. Dizbob didn’t have any kids, so he hadn’t experience of what to say to them at this point. Luckily, Timmy had spoken something else.
“Lotsa other people are moving too, Dizbob! My daddy’s uncle who lives nearby, and my mommy’s brother who also lives somewhere nearby and that nice lady who works in the bar here!”
Dalspots.
“I hope you would move with us, Dizbob.”
“I’d want to, but I can’t. I have to go somewhere.”
“Oh…where are you going?”
“Somewhere far away.”
“Like an adventure?” Timmy smiled.
“Yeah. An adventure.”
Timmy’s parents had walked out of the house, with the movers carrying out the last pieces of furniture.
“Your parents must have spent quite a bit of money to get such strong movers like that.”
“Oh…momma says those people aren’t movers.”
“Oh?”
“Yeah…she say’s they’s bodyguards or something!” Apparently, Timmy did not know the meaning of that word, so he looked down and shuffled his feet. His mom had just called out to him. They were ready to leave.
“Well, momma is calling me. I have to go Dizbob, I hope we will meet up again! I will remember you! Goodbye!” Timmy had run off towards the truck.
Dizbob had knelt down and stared at Timmy running, and had a sudden recollection of all the years he had known him. He stood up, and turned to walk back. He saw Firesword standing a distance behind him, slouching against fence, glancing at him. He walked towards Firesword, and took one last look at Timmy, waving to him before he got into the truck.
He never saw Timmy again.

“Made up your mind?” Firesword asked Dizbob as he approached. It was a particularly sunny morning, and Firesword had been wearing shades, although Dizbob doubted it was for that reason.
“Yeah. Let’s go.”
“Glad to have you with us.”
“I know.”
“It’s going to take us some hours to get there.”
“Oh?”
“Yeah. We’re going stealth. No cars.”
“Why? We’re going to be losing time this way.”
“Can’t risk driving through open daylight.”
“But we can risk going right through dangerous grounds on foot?”
“We’re going to walk a fourth of the way, from there recruits will meet up with us and we’ll take a more secret way.”
“Alright. Whatever you say, let’s go.”
“Not yet.”
“Huh?”
“We don’t leave until night sets in.”
“That’s in a while...”
“I know. Got any good food in your house? I don’t believe I’ve seen your new home here in Rapulum.”
“Alright, I’ll show you around. Judging from what you told me, it would probably be the last I see of it.”
“Probably. How long have you lived in it?”
“Long enough to remember.”
That afternoon, Firesword and Dizbob ate, and ate some more. Dizbob talked about things a lot, and showed Firesword around. He introduced to him 4I Falcon, who had probably saved his life during that scene in the bar. Firesword seemed particularly interested in him. Dizbob wanted to introduce Firesword to Dalspots too, but she had parted early, according to Timmy. They sat in the bar, and talked, and passed time. 4I Falcon had his share of stories to tell, and many of them were quite interesting. Sadly, recently due to financial problems relating from the carrot shortage, he, like many others who depended on selling carrot products in the north and west, had became bankrupt and was forced to sell his home. He had used the bar as his new home for the past several days, with the permission of Dalspots, but now that she had gone, he didn’t know what to do. He had continued on to tell his stories, and Dizbob had gotten lost in thought several times and had missed some details, but Firesword seemed to be listening closely and nodding on as he continued.
“Hold on, I’ve gotta take a leak, be right back.” 4I Falcon ran off towards the bathroom through a door at the far end of the bar.
“Well, after 3 drinks of that stuff,” Dizbob glanced towards the bottle of pure white, but strong alcohol, “It was only a matter of time.”
Firesword leaned closer towards him. “Listen, I think we should take him along.”
Dizbob seemed intrigued. “Oh?”
“From what he says, he’s got past experience in these kind of things, he did manage to save your life, and as of now he has no home and no possessions here.”
“Alright, I’ve no objections I guess.”
“Great, we’ll tell him when he gets back.” Firesword smiled and sat back down on his chair and an upright posture.


-Rather short, but fairly eventful chapter. Written rather quickly in about an hour or a bit more during 4:30 - 5:30 am because of newly found inspiration =D.

Go to sleep FAST blacky
Yay, this is shaping up nicely. While I can't really see Diz and Dal getting old together (...they could merge with blur and form the ultimate war robot!), it all seems well written enough for 4:30 AM. And you totally overhyped John Farlington (whose name I remembered WITHOUT LOOKING IT UP).
Good jorb.

I think Dizbob went down the stairs and up/to FS. ;P

Anyway, the 3rd chapter is a bit drawn out. It's got too much conversation and too little actions. Try to concentrate on the things that really matter because readers don't usually want to have a whole chronological list of events. Some things like the fact that Dalspots has left, that Dizbob wanted to introduce her, that 4I Falcon needed to pee aren't important for the 3rd chapter because it's more about Dizbob's acceptance of whatever crazy scheme Fquist has in mind for him.

Yay, I'm a drunken!

And since when do I have a house?

Will read this in greater detail sometime.

Originally Posted by 4I Falcon

Yay, I'm a drunken!

And since when do I have a house?

Will read this in greater detail sometime.

everyone generally has a house unless they're some hobo or something =P.

Nice bits of word play in their, albeit a hair too much dialog in some places. The setting is very good, I like the small rural area idea.

As far as pacing is concerned, you need to throw in a few actions to make it so that the reader can go through the long paragraphs or dialogs. Action helps to move the story and keep the reader...reading. Also, after lines of spoken text, you should add descriptions on intonation, like "excitedly", or "monotonously". These offer insight into the character and how he or she feels about what's happening around him, not to mention a view into their own personality. Also, it helps the reader find out who's talking, so incase they skip a line, they can get back on track.

Thats all I've gatta so about now.

Originally Posted by Strato

Also, after lines of spoken text, you should add descriptions on intonation, like "excitedly", or "monotonously".

I disagree.

I guess I should reply. I was going to do that originally, but then I thought of the stories I wrote in my childhood and decided not to make the same mistake.

Browse through my story and look at all the dialogue. If I were to add an adverb to each sentence of that dialogue (like monotonously, excitedly, annoyingly) etc, or even did things like questioned, replied, even said, you would get sick of me repeating the same words.

In the novels I read, dialogue appears the same way (or similar) as in this story. And this is why.

I didn't mean after every single line. It just feels strange to see long chains of dialouge without anything after the quote.

Heh. Long live the WT.

Are you going to finish this, BR? I've finished mine, all 12 chapters, yay lol: http://www.jazz2online.com/jcf/showthread.php?p=272029

I finished chapter 4 a long time ago but was hesitant to revive this because the chapter was so short. Now that I finished chapter 5 (which is rather long), I will post it now (And chapter 5 a bit later on today).

Chapter 4
Journey

NEWS FROM THE CARROTUS POST
READ THROUGH BY MACLELLAN HIMSELF!

And the attack on the borderlands of Cuniculosus continues! This time the rebels even pressed on further raiding towns such as Furthgate and Rapulum. On other, but possibly related news, the activity of the Necros in the area has nearly quadrupled. Yes, Necros. For those who spent their entire lives living in a box (Yes, I’m sure some of you are even reading this) Necros are the fallen ones. They are rabbits who have taken their own life and by some sort of devilry have risen up and now serve the Crimson King. We are unsure of why this is, but even a fool could guess that this is possibly related to Admiral Strato.
But don’t be so down, folks! There is brighter news in this, as well. Word has leaked out that Dizbob the Great is planning to return under Quist’s legion. This could possibly be the one thing that can change the fate of Cuniculosus from being torched to the ground by Admiral Strato and his cutthroats or continuing on to be a well-famed, prospering nation.

Firesword had been sitting on a lonely rock in the woods, reading the paper, which he had secretly gotten from a paperboy in a nearby village. His rather bright mood for the morning had been ruined. They had only been traveling one night, under the moon, and already somehow the press had managed to get a hold of the news. He sighed and thought about how his fellow associates could be so easily bribed into releasing confidential information. He handed Dizbob the paper as he approached.
“Bad news for us bob, the press would be biting at our feet the rest of the way.” Firesword sighed again.
“Interesting. I hadn’t heard of the Necros since I was back in the legion.” Dizbob replied.
He finished reading the paper and handed it back to Firesword, who stood up from the rock and tucked it under his arms.
“Well, we can’t stay still now.” Firesword replied, “Even the enemy probably knows this news, you’d be surprised of how many rabbits there are wishing to give us away for a few gold coins.”
Thus, they set off on foot, towards Quist’s headquarters near the center of Cuniculosus.


Deep in the wilderness, Admiral Strato sat on the stump of a tree, surrounded by the trustworthiest of his followers. Andrew Holdes and Diktarbal were among them. A rabbit in clad black fur, carrying several dangerous looking weapons strapped onto him by belt or leather straps approached him.
“And who might this be?” Strato asked.
The figure smirked and replied, “Just a mercenary ready for hire.”
“I see. Will you swear loyalty and allegiance to my cause?”
“If the pay is good, sure.”
“Alright. Beat one of the best of my fighters in a match to the death and you’ll be hired.”
“Alright.”
And so the dark figure drew out its weapon..

Firesword, Dizbob, and 4I Falcon had been traveling for almost two days now, and according to Firesword, they had not even made a fourth of their journey yet. 4I Falcon was already out of breath and had drank down his last bottles of that strong, white alcohol which he had taken from Dalspots bar before they had left (It had been hard convincing himself to take something from the bar without paying for it, but he figured that Dalspots would not return to the bar anyways, even if the town hadn’t been raided and torched) and he was out of breath from all the traveling. Even Dizbob had shown signs of exhaustion.
“Don’t sweat now, the difficult part is still ahead of us.” Firesword said as he pointed towards some mist-covered mountains in the horizon.
“We have to climb that?” 4I Falcon strained the words from his mouth as he was swallowing down large amounts of air.
“Well, I don’t see any other routes,” Firesword replies, “These crags span for miles. Going around them would add several more days to our journey, and the provisions I’ve supplied for us would not last us as long.”
And so, onward they went, through green valleys, through mountains covered with snow, through rivers and woods and tunnels below.

Surprisingly, it had only taken them two days to surpass the crags. Firesword had planned out the safest, quickest and best routes and the trio had not a problem. As they descended down the edge of the last mountain in the crags, Dizbob caught glimpse of a nearby town. It was turning dusk.
“We shall rest there for the night,” Firesword told, “And from there and on we will travel by vehicle.”


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Rather a short chapter, but Chapter 5 will make up for it.

Chapter 5

Solomon Blacksirthe

The sky was painted with beautiful swirls of orange, magenta and blue. Streetlamps have already been lit, and many people were retreating to the comfort of their homes for the evening. Firesword, Dizbob and 4I Falcon paced down the streets of the town (named Tweed, according to a signpost they had passed earlier on) in search of a place to stay for the night.
Tweed had seemed a much, much more advanced town then Rapulum. There were many businesses, permanent settlements, and the like around, and the street was filled with passing cars* (though the number of cars was not a very large one). After walking a fair distance, Dizbob and his group had reached a building, which appeared to be a hotel.
“This seems like a good enough place to stay,” Firesword entered the building and signaled the others to follow him.
The manager was a wealthy looking rabbit. He had gray fur, and was rather short in appearance. His voice resembled that of the voice of snobby, rich businessmen caring only for themselves and only wishing to further increase their fortunes. Firesword had bought Dizbob, 4I and himself separate rooms for the night. 4I Falcon seemed to be extremely grateful for this, as it has been a long time since he had slept in a proper bed.
The hotel itself was in fair condition. It seemed to be cleaned regularly, and most the graffiti on the walls had been brushed out (although a few out of the way places have been missed). The hotel didn’t shine with quality and perfection, but nor was it broken down or rat infested in any way. Firesword had suggested that they should sleep early tonight, as they will be waking up quite early next morning. Thus, as it was already pitch black outside, they all went to rest.

Solomon Blacksirthe slithered through the bushes surrounding the hotel. Through an informant he had been told Dizbob would stay in this town overnight, and he had been tracking them ever since they entered the town. Now, as he was sure by now that they were fully asleep, he decided to make his move. He entered the hotel as casually as he could, and the manager looked up at him.
“I’m here to visit a friend, he told me he would be staying here overnight, his name is Firesword I believe…Do you happen to know where he is?”
“I’m sorry sir, but I’m not permitted to disclose that information unless the proper identification is given.”
Solomon quickly became irritated. He reached into his pocket and took out a few gold coins, and slid them across the table. “Its urgent..”
The manager looked down at the coins, then back up at Solomon. Solomon could see he was not going to take it, so he took out more coins from his pocket, and put them on the table. “This is all I have with me, now if you would be so kind…”

*The cars in Cuniculosus were not the modern, gasoline powered cars you had probably been imagining. The cars ran on a complex system of fans and gas which kept the cars levitated above the ground by a few inches (as long as there was enough oxygen around), but prevented the cars from going much higher than that. This had proved to be more beneficial to the environment, although more expensive to construct.

The manager looked down at the coins once again. The strange man had offered 23 coins, which was not a petty amount, and all he asked was the whereabouts of one of the customers. It seems mysterious that he would be willing to pay so much for this information, as well as he doesn’t have any identification of any sort…the manager thought, then again, 23 coins…And if anything unpleasant happen, I could just say he held me at knifepoint to acquire the information. The manager gave a quick smile, and opened up a book on his desk. He flipped to the most recent page. “Ah yes, Firesword. He’s come in here earlier on with a group of two others. They are staying on the second floor, the first 3 rooms to your right.”
Solomon gave a quick nod and jogged towards the second floor. As soon as he was sure the manager nor anyone else was around, he drew out his blade from his sheath. I’ve prepared a special one for you, Dizbob, he thought to himself. As he got up to the second floor another thought struck him. Darn it, I forgot to ask which specific room who is staying at…no matter, I’ll just kill all of them.
The second floor of the hotel room seemed to be a long hallway filled with rooms. On one end was the staircase leading downstairs, on the other the hallway bent to the left and Solomon couldn’t tell what was there. Nor did he care. There were lamps hanging from the ceiling of the hallway keeping it lit during the night. He was about to quietly open one of the doors and enter in, until he heard a sound.
4I Falcon woke up with a groan. How long have I been asleep? Argh…its my god(-) bladder again. I knew I should’ve just taken a leak in the bushes or something. Great. I hope this hotel has a bathroom. He slowly got up out of bed, still yawning, and stumbled towards the door.
Solomon froze. Oh god(-)it. If he sees me, he’ll surely yell and wake up all the others. He had no time to hide nor was he close enough to make any sudden attacks. As the door opened, he saw the rabbit stumble out, and walk further down the hallway, without looking back at the staircase. What luck! Solomon thought. He eyed the rabbit closely (although he could not see his face as the rabbit was walking away from him), and although he looked slightly familiar, he was nobody Solomon recognized. My first task here is to get rid of Dizbob, but who says I can’t slaughter a few more sheep in the process. Solomon grinned, and began to tiptoe towards the rabbit. As he was getting nearer, the bones in his foot made a cracking sound. Oh crap he thought. He quickly pulled the knife up the sleeve of his muddy, black shirt.
4I Falcon turned around and saw the rabbit standing there. His eyes were blurry from the sleep and he couldn’t make out the features. “Say there, you, do you happen to know where a bathroom could be found here? I feel like I could just let it go in the middle of this hallway right now..”
Solomon had thought the rabbit might do a certain number of things once he spotted him, but this was not one of them. “Uh…” he tried to think of something to say.
“Never mind, I’ve got a feeling that its down this here hall,” 4I Falcon looked closely at what the rabbit was wearing, “Dear god what did you do to your clothes? Did you spend the entire day crawling through the underbrush or rolling through mud or something?”
Solomon took offense to this. He wanted to run up to the rabbit and stab him on the spot, but he knew this would be unwise as the rabbit would definitely scream.
“Anyways then, I’ll be off to the bathroom while I can still hold it in. Fair luck to you.”
As 4I Falcon turned around and continued to stumble towards the end of the hall (where apparently the bathroom was), Solomon gave a quiet sigh, and decided to go back to business. He would take care of that annoying rabbit afterwards, first there would be Dizbob. He opened up the door to the room next to him and snuck in, closing the door behind him. He spotted Dizbob lying asleep on the bed. This would be a day long remembered, Solomon thought, When the great Dizbob falls by my dagger while he so peacefully sleeps. He slowly walked towards the bed and held the knife above Dizbob. Goodbye, Dizbob! There was a loud, piercing scream.

The scream startled Solomon, and he gasped. Somewhere down the hall he heard the sound of a female rabbit screaming. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I thought this was the bathroom for the love of god!” he heard the rabbit he had met earlier on in the hallway scream.

Dizbob suddenly awoke from the loud scream he had heard. He looked up, and saw a dark figure standing above him. In its hand, light reflected off the sharp blade he was holding, which was pointed towards Dizbob. As the dark figure quickly turned back towards him, Dizbob raised both his legs and kicked the figure in the stomach, knocking him back. The knife flew out of the figures hand.

Solomon had been kicked into the wall of the room. He felt a sharp pain on the back of his head. Nevertheless, he stood up, and noticed his knife lying on the floor. He pounced toward it, but as he picked it up he felt a sudden sharp pain in his back, and had heard glass shatter. He collapsed onto the floor. Dizbob had struck him on the back with a nearby table lamp. Dizbob pulled the knife out of the figures hand, and turned the figure over. He glanced at its face and recognized it as the rabbit called Solomon Blacksirthe of which he had an encounter with outside of Dalspots’s bar. Solomon quickly reached into his belt, and before Dizbob could see what was happening he saw a knife quickly fly at him and pierce the flesh on his shoulder. He stumbled back in pain, and pulled the knife out. Solomon could see Dizbob was about to yell for help, so he rushed towards Dizbob in hopes of silencing him before that occurs. He thrust his dagger at Dizbob, but Dizbob dodged. Dizbob threw a jab at Solomon’s face, but Solomon narrowly dodged. Right then, he tackled Solomon through the door of his room.
Solomon went flying and broke through the door. He fell on his back against the wall of the hallway. He saw 4I Falcon on the other end. “You again?” he heard 4I say, “I guess you mistook that room as the bathroom like I did earlier on, too? Looks like you got it harder than me, too.”
4I Falcon saw Dizbob run out of the room, his shoulder torn and bleeding. “4I” Dizbob called out, “Wake up Firesword!”

Downstairs, the manager of the hotel had heard all the commotion outside. He wasn’t an idiot, and he quickly made the connection between the commotion and the mysterious rabbit without identification whom he allowed into his hotel. (-) it, if they find out.. he thought. I’ll take care of this... He took out a key from his drawer, and quickly ran towards a nearby locked room.

Upstairs, Dizbob and Solomon were still fighting. The noise and disruption they had both caused had awoken the residents. Many people looked out into their hallway to see what was going on, and as they saw the two rabbits fighting, and the blade in one of the rabbits hands, they quickly locked their doors. 4I Falcon had awoken Firesword, and Firesword had reached into his belongings and pulled out an old gun* he was carrying.

*There were only a few type of guns the rabbits knew how to make. The most common one was pistols and handguns, although still only few knew how to craft such things, and the government of Cuniculosus made sure (or at least tried to) that any guns were made by them, thus they tried to keep the skill of guncraft only known to the most trusted of their craftsmen. Although the information did leak out to several outside sources, the government worked hard to put a stop to this, and to keep the information from distributing. Anyone carrying a gun would have to be approved by the government, and even now almost everyone who carried such a firearm was either working for the government directly or was someone who has a high position in society (or otherwise is an important figure). Many hardworking citizens who have friends (or contacts) who know of somebody, or are somebody, who know how to acquire or craft guns have managed to maintain them without the authorization of the government. These people usually keep the guns for their own safety, and are hesitant of using them when any government agents are around (since the charges for being caught with an unauthorized firearm are rather severe).
In a nearby room, an old rabbit and his wife had awoken. Next to the rabbit’s bed lay several bottles of strong liquor hinting away at the rabbit being heavily intoxicated. “What’s all the (-) racket outside?” he blurted out, “How’s one to get any rest around ‘ere?”
“Just leave it alone, it’ll subside in time and then all will be quiet again,” his wife commentated.
“Like ‘ell I will. I’m a gonna go out there and give those ruffians a piece of ma mind!”

Firesword quickly ran out his room with his gun in hand. Solomon quickly saw the firearm, and tried to get as close to Dizbob as possible to prevent Firesword from risking a shot. Solomon pulled out another dagger and threw it at the lamp above him, breaking it and dimming the light. Three more lamps lay in the hallway, and two of them where too far down the hallway for their light to reach to the other end. He slid under Dizbob and reached forth and picked up the knife he had thrown. His arm retreated right before Firesword shot at where it was a split second ago.
The drunken was about to open the door to the hallway when he heard the shot. “The ‘ell? These men mean business!” He quickly ran towards a drawer near his bed, and pulled out his own handgun.
“That thing is illegal, don’t you dare use it outside in that hall!” his wife had yelled, but he ignored her.

The manager had reached the second floor, carrying a shotgun. “Alright, all of you freeze and drop your weapons less you want lead in your brains!”
Everyone’s attention turned toward him. Right then, the drunken rabbit burst open the door of his room, and pointed the gun towards Firesword. “Take this you scum!” he yelled as he let lose several shots. His arm had been wavering while he shot, and though he pointed at Firesword the bullets flew in all sorts of directions.
“What the hell are you doing?” Firesword yelled out as two bullets nearly struck his head. One of the bullets struck the manager in the foot, and he let out a yell, as he pumped shots out of his shotgun. One of the shots flew right into the drunken rabbit and blew his head off his shoulders. The hallway was splattered with gore. His wife could be heard screaming from the room. The manager tipped over as he fired the other shot, and it was a direct hit into the lamp. The lights in that half of the corridor were out, and everything was dark.
Solomon took advantage of this. He yelled out “Everybody run! The hotel is being robbed! Escape while you can!” With this, the sound of several doors flying open came right afterward.
Firesword had tried to spot Solomon in the darkness, as suddenly he was hit from behind with what appeared to be a heavy wooden object. “Die robber!” he heard someone call out, but as he heard that his reaction was too quick as he spun around and fired. Only after he knew he hit had he realized that the man he had shot (probably in the chest) had been an innocent resident reacting to the alarm. He heard the groan of the man, and a body toppling over soon afterwards. Well, that’s one innocent man killed tonight. How many more will follow?
The manager had gotten up, still holding the shotgun. “No, no you idiots!” he yelled, “Get back into your rooms!” Right then, he felt a sudden burning pain in his chest as a knife was thrust into him. He gave a loud yell and felt blood in his mouth. I might as well, since I’ll die anyways! He held up his shotgun, and began firing his rounds. He heard several screams and people collapsing and knew he must have hit at least several people. He kept firing until his head began spinning and his senses got numb, and he collapsed onto the ground.

“Get back into your rooms!” Solomon had heard the manager yell. This was not good at all, the commotion was a perfect distraction and he would not let it end so easily. He had pinpointed where the voice came from, and had quickly did his work with the dagger. The scream he heard meant he got a good hit. He smiled maliciously, but then something happened he hadn’t expected. The man began firing shotgun rounds like crazy. Solomon had tried to duck before a round hit him, but he felt a shell fly right past his thigh, partially hitting it along the way. He collapsed with a quick yelp.
Dizbob had heard the manager scream and had sensed what would come next. He quickly ducked to avoid the barrage of shotgun shells that followed. He had heard Solomon’s yelp and had figured he had been hit. Many more screams came, but none of them were that of Fireswords or 4I Falcons, which he was thankful for.

4I Falcon had been hiding in Fireswords room throughout this event. When the lights went out, he had quickly scampered towards his own room as quietly as possible. There he had searched around throughout his possessions, hearing doors fly open in the hallway and people run out in the meanwhile. Finally, he had found his pack of matches he had been carrying with him. After the sound of a shotgun being fired had ended, he lit one up and took it with him. It wasn’t much of a source of light, but it had to do. He ran out into the hall and into Firesword.
“What happened here?” 4I asked.
“Well, someone started shooting on one side, then someone else started shooting on the other, then someone got stabbed and began to shoot everyone. Can you find Dizbob or Solomon anywhere?”
“I’m alright,” Dizbob had called out, “Make sure Solomon doesn’t escape!”
4I Falcon ran downstairs.
Nearby, they heard a window break.

Solomon had crawled towards an open room. He had been planning to escape by going downstairs, but figured that would be too obvious. He had broken the window in the room with his bare hands due to lack of time, thus his hands were now bleeding (He didn’t much care, the pain in his thigh caught most of his attention). He had jumped out of the window and into the underbrush, making a thud as he landed. He had failed his mission to assassinate Dizbob; there would be no chance Admiral Strato would forgive him. Thus, he must try again, but another time. He was in too poor of a condition to take on Dizbob now. Luckily, his informant has also told him the route they would be taking in the morning, with some luck he would be in better condition by then and could plan an ambush, or hire someone to do it.
Firesword had ran towards where he had heard the window break. The light of a half moon shone through the broken window. He could see shards of glass lying on the floor. He glanced outside; the window was facing the wilderness. If Solomon had escaped through here (and had taken the rather high fall), there would be no way Firesword would be able to spot him in there at night. Firesword walked back to where 4I Falcon and Dizbob were standing. Now how are we going to explain this to the local police…he thought. At least Dizbob and 4I Falcon were safe. For the moment.
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Well, chapter 5 is done. Hopefully I havent overlooked any errors. Since I posted quite a bit of posts at the same time, just scroll up until where I posted chapter 4. (Or the first post I did on August 3/4 depending on where you live).

Edit: To clear things up, the small side notes (marked by an asterisk, or otherwise identifiable by the small text which they are written in) were originally put into the bottom of every page (in microsoft word) to be out of the way. They are necessary and explain some backround to certain topics. Unfortunately, JCF doesnt work like a book or Microsoft word so there is no pages for them to be at the bottom of, thus they look out of place. Try to ignore that they do, if you can. If this would be a story written in a book, the side notes would appear on the bottom of the page where the asterisk is at.

Hm, slightly gory in parts, but nevertheless a good addition. I want to see how this plays out.

Originally Posted by Blackraptor

rabbit

Perhaps I should possibly point out that 4I/Falcon are humans.

Two separate humans, to be precise.

Hey, don't complain. Somebody's actually writing. That should be all that's needed to make people happy D=

Originally Posted by Risp

Hey, don't complain. Somebody's actually writing. That should be all that's needed to make people happy D=

I'm writing. Just that none of you can tell.

Baha.

Originally Posted by 4I Falcon

Perhaps I should possibly point out that 4I/Falcon are humans.

Two separate humans, to be precise.

It would seem weird for there to be one human among a bunch of rabbits; you wouldn't fit into the story at all really ;p. I'll keep that in mind next time, or something though.

I think Rapulum = my town. Eheh.

(By the way, it was nice to meet you, Blacky. )

It was a pleasure to meet you too, Ducky =D.

Will work on new chapters for this once I get a bunch of other, irl stuff out of the way.

Originally Posted by Blackraptor

The sun gleamed brightly and the sky was a beautiful blue. Dizbob walked happily down the marble sidewalk through the small town. A few townsfolk he knew well were moving the lawn during the beautiful morning, and he gave them a wave as he walked past.

What were they moving their lawns for?

It's a great story, Blacky. Write some more!

Originally Posted by ÄÉæÛÕ

What were they moving their lawns for?

It's a great story, Blacky. Write some more!

aaxdslfhgaslhs mowing. with lawnmowers. i suck.

Originally Posted by Blackraptor

It would seem weird for there to be one human among a bunch of rabbits; you wouldn't fit into the story at all really ;p. I'll keep that in mind next time, or something though.

Keep in mind that I do have a hundred-odd characters you can use.

Just try not to pick someone evil. That would ruin the context.

BR enjoys writing

Finish!