I am currently working on a novel called Tale of the Psi. Hope you guys like it! It's a fantasy story borrowing ideas and concepts from Legend of the Dragoon, Final Fantasy, and Dungeons and Dragons. If you have any suggestions, just tell me. Thanks!

Thu May 31, 8:10 PM:
The first chapter is here.
Fri Jun 1, 9:32 PM
I've edited the first chapter to make it more appealing and appalling, while adding a bit more character introduction. Also as a note, many questions are added later on.

Sat Jun 30, 9:59 AM:
The second chapter is released!Click here.

Mon Jul 9, 2:18 PM:
Chapter 3 is finished and uploaded. Clicky.

Not to sound mean, but shoudn't this be in the War tavern?

yes

Originally Posted by Puffie40

Not to sound mean, but shoudn't this be in the War tavern?

War Tavern
Jazz 2 stories

War Tavern
Jazz 2 stories

Exactly.

Originally Posted by MoonBlazE

War Tavern
Jazz 2 stories

I don't really think so

WT Rule 6: While it is not required that your story take place within the Jazz Jackrabbit universe, please do not post fanfiction for other games/universes here.

It applies, though I don't really know if I'd call my novel "Fan Fiction."

And does anybody have any comments to make about the first chapter?

I didn't really want to come with something negative as your first comment but it doesn't look like people have anything else to say but to nitpick your choice of forum.

It's admittedly kind of boring. You should introduce the characters before starting on the first chapter and make the plot more appalling.

Hmm... I suppose I could add some introduction...
But Appalling? I don't really know how I can make it more appalling... I guess I'm gonna have to bring back The Narator.

EDIT: It's been updated. I think this version is more interesting.

Originally Posted by MoonBlazE

War Tavern
Jazz 2 stories

Again I stress that this description should be changed.

Originally Posted by ThunderPX

Again I stress that this description should be changed.

That would also mean it would have to be moved to a different section.

Originally Posted by ShadeJackrabbit

That would also mean it would have to be moved to a different section.

"Jazz 2 community stories."

"Stories and fanfiction written by the community"?

(this warrants a new topic or revival of the old one)

That would work.

The difference between the two forums is that the war tavern is more of a community forum where people hussle up either fan fictions with generic comments or an open roleplaying, where in the art forum the original poster would be looking for critique on the work itself - such as style of writing, usage of language and so on.

If you consider this, you should also see that just because it's a story text doesn't necessarily mean it belongs in the war tavern. It could be posted there but if it were then the topic would be more directed to the ongoing story rather than critique of an artistic effort. Forums aren't just categories for your topic but also a choice for the topic's direction.

Please get back on-topic now and take the discussion to a new thread if you feel like voicing your opinion on forum categories. :-p

Thank you MoonBlazE. So any comments on chapter one?

There's not much to say since it's just the first chapter, but I think I can point out something:

1-The hooded figure should be a friendly guy who gives warnings to heroes so they can save the day (like the prophet in some fics and even games, WC3 for example). If he was a baddie, and a seemingly powerful one as shown in the chapter's end, why didn't he turn Keiy into jerky at the first place?

2-Rangers usually carry a dagger or short sword for melee combat, but just ONE. Using dual swords is rather unreasonable, not to mention unwieldy in carriage (let's list them out, a scimitar and a short sword, both with a sheath, a bow, and a quiver. It's just me, but I can't seem to find a way to bring them all.)
Also, only very seasoned swordsmen would dare challenge incoming arrows with their swords. If it were me, I would fall aside, roll over and shot back with my bow.

3-The horse can speak? Unless you put in some words explaining the enchantment it has (there ought to be one), I find this the most irrational part. In this case I think you should replace him with someone who acts as the prince's bodyguard and possibly a good friend of his. He doesn't need to be good at fighting, he can even be a coward to strengthen the figure of the protagonist.

4-You forgot to describe the appearance of Keiy.

This is just my opinion , hope it can be of some help. Waiting for your next chapter!

Personally, I liked the origional part where he reaches the safety of the village, instead of blowing the orcs up in a big mushroom cloud.

And yes, You did not describe the main charactor or his horse very much. Question marks raised when the horse talked for the first time.

The difference between the two forums is that the war tavern is more of a community forum where people hussle up either fan fictions with generic comments or an open roleplaying, where in the art forum the original poster would be looking for critique on the work itself - such as style of writing, usage of language and so on.

So that's why no one's commented on My story???

2-Rangers usually carry a dagger or short sword for melee combat, but just ONE. Using dual swords is rather unreasonable, not to mention unwieldy in carriage (let's list them out, a scimitar and a short sword, both with a sheath, a bow, and a quiver. It's just me, but I can't seem to find a way to bring them all.)
Also, only very seasoned swordsmen would dare challenge incoming arrows with their swords. If it were me, I would fall aside, roll over and shot back with my bow.

Haven't played D&D have you? Rangers begin with a feat called 2 weapon fighting.

3-The horse can speak? Unless you put in some words explaining the enchantment it has (there ought to be one), I find this the most irrational part. In this case I think you should replace him with someone who acts as the prince's bodyguard and possibly a good friend of his. He doesn't need to be good at fighting, he can even be a coward to strengthen the figure of the protagonist.

Explained in chapter 2.

Chapter Two is out! Some criticism would be appreciated, along with any "it's great" or "well done" if there are any.

the action scenes are well-written, but some parts aren't closely connected to each other.

Haven't played D&D have you? Rangers begin with a feat called 2 weapon fighting.

Sorry I haven't . I only played MMORPGs like WoW, LineageII, Silkroad... and the ranger classes in those games have no melee skills, let alone dual weapon feats. Those who have dual-wielding skills are called Rogues or Gladiators, not Hunters or Silver Rangers.

Ah. The real reason that ranger's get two weapon fighting is probably because they rely so heavily upon dexterity in Dungeons and Dragons. Good to hear the action scenes are well done. It's kinda hard to imagine a back-hand punch or wielding a sword backwards.

Usually I don't read stories, but since you are actually asking for criticism I feel obliged to.

EDIT: But after spending several hours writing a really long post that I needed to split into two, I've decided to stop criticizing stories on whims D=.

There's a bad pitfall you want to avoid I call "writing like game designer". I use the term "game designer" loosely, because in my eyes "writing like a game designer" is a bad thing no matter when you do it. If you have experience with designing computer games, especially as part of a team, you will have a tendency to write as though your audience is your art director, describing everything with visual depth and concrete dimensions. If you have experience with making D&D type campaigns, you will have a tendency to describe things based on their function and effects.

Even if you ARE a game designer, writing like one isn't good. In writing stories you need to learn how to hook your reader and submerge them in your story entirely. Admittedly, if I didn't feel obliged to criticize it I probably wouldn't've read your story past the first four paragraphs.

Someone presumably credible once said that a story has five words in which to hook a reader. I think this might be a little exaggerated, but the beginning of your story really does have to be the strongest part.

Let's look at your opening:

It is good to speak to somebody again. I think you'll enjoy the story I have to tell you. It takes place a long time ago, on our fair world of Deross. It involves a ranger, named Keiy, son of a king and full of spirit. The story begins at the evening, when the world is going to sleep. Most of the world that is. Our young friend Keiy, (barely a man yet,) is tired from the day, and hopes to find relaxation by a nice fire. He has arrived at a clearing, riding on his tired, weathered horse Slipstream.
Now, why do I call it a clearing? He wasn't even in a forest, but actually a grassland. The Great Plains to be precise. The grass in this area is 4 feet tall, and there isn't usually a tree for at least half a mile. I suppose that's how it is with rangers: one minute they're hugging trees, the next they're flying across grasslands on a horse.

It has an unidentified narrator; always a fun thing to add a bit of mystery. However, from there it delves into straightforward description of Keiy, the setting, and Keiy's horse.
Two problems with this: One, in its description it neglects the actual plot. Even a hint of what the story will be about is vital at the beginning. And no, "Keiy" is not a valid answer.
Two, it's dry. "It involves a ranger". "The story begins". If you were describing this to an art director in designing a video game, this would be fine; it's his job to be creative. However, in writing a story you need to be your own art director; you need to paint a picture. You know all those "literary devices" you learned in English class? Time to put them to use.
Let's compare your opening to one with a similar setup - still a man riding his horse along across a plain at night, but from one of my favorite poems, by Alfred Noyes:

The wind was a torrent of darkness among the gusty trees,
The moon was a ghostly galleon tossed upon cloudy seas,
The road was a ribbon of moonlight over the purple moor,
And the highwayman came riding—
Riding—riding—
The highwayman came riding, up to the old inn-door.

Ignore the poetic bits such as rhyme and rhytm for a second, since yours isn't a poem. Immediately, Noyes hits the reader with five vivid metaphors:
It's not just windy and dark, but the wind is a torrent of darkness.
The trees aren't just blowing back and forth, they are "gusty", a term usually used to describe wind. Hence, they are behaving like wind.
The moon isn't just hidden behind moving clouds, it's being tossed around like a ship in a storm.
The road is not only winding and long but also the only thing illuminated by the moon, implying that everything else is rather dark, probably grassy or forested.
The moor is purple. Everyone knows moors are green, but evidently the lighting from the moon is so sharp that it can turn green to it's inverse color.

The part that really ties Noyes' introduction together, though, is the line "Riding - riding - riding". The highwayman isn't just "riding along the road", there is an emphasis on the passage of time. He's riding, he's still riding, he's even still riding.

You need to target people's senses and emotions directly - including their common sense. Vivid description involves pulling metaphors and similies from the most random places; anyone can compare the moon to a ping-pong ball, but only an expert can compare it to a ghost ship. Even basic descriptions like the "purple moor" defy logic in favor for painting a "mental image".

Anyway, I want to hit some more specific points too. In order to differentiate them from the more general statements about writing above, and beat the character limit, I'm going to split it into a new post.

Okay. I kept a list of things that struck me as particularly awkward.

First of all, you have a few awkward sounding sentences. Such as this one:

This figure was about 6 feet tall, wearing a black robe, with a veil over his face preventing you from seeing it.

This sentence is worded kind of weakly. I'm not sure the exact English rules for placing adjectives (as in, there are none), but at first read it sounds like the veil itself is invisible because it's over the man's face, since veil is the subject of the clause.

Also, the horse. It was a little confusing at first when it started talking. When I first read "before his horse said, 'Idiot.'" I misinterpreted the "before" as the location form (such as "he lay before his horse") and that confused me a bit later.
And - continuity error! The horse can't talk, but it warned the guards about Keiy, led them to him, AND made the guards think it was possessed. Sounds like it could talk.

2 tore through his arm, causing pain to wrench across his arm.

Write out numbers for any number under 20. This came up a few times other times, too. Also, it reads a bit mechanically, you might want to shorten that second "arm" to "it".

When Keiy pulls out the scroll it didn't make much sense to me. First of all, don't let Dungeons and Dragons logic overwrite real logic. Most people can't pull out a scroll and instantly cast a spell, even if they do have a high enough wisdom modifier. Casting a spell presumably involves reading it, understanding it, and doing some magical thingy.
And why did he fall unconscious afterwards? Heck, why did he pass out like three other times too? He's worse than Eragon, and that guy spent like half the book unconsious.
And why is Keiy out being a ranger in the first place? If he's the son of a king, he should be sipping champagn and doing other important, pricely things. Your description sounds like he hasn't even bathed since he was born. I'd either add some more explanation for why the prince is out meleeing orcs or, if it's a plot point for later, make it clear that you're currently hiding the reason (as opposed to making it look like you have no reason for him to be there).

Anyway, there's this bit where you talk about the horse meeting the town guards and warning them, then the setting moves back to Keiy. Don't change the setting for one paragraph; instead, if it's only a quick or temporary change, try to keep it centered on Keiy. It'd be easy enough to have the horse summarize his journey to Keiy when he got back.
Also, was it a quick change of setting? The story makes it sound like the horse was gone for all of six minutes. Keep in mind ways to show the passage of time, like Noyes did with "Riding - riding - riding".

There's this part where you describe the town as small and with a 15 foot wall. You also go into the relative wood density in varying places. Unless the narrator has a degree in engineering, leave this out in favor of more general descriptors, like "a large wall of wooden posts". Furthermore, only focus on what's important. Describing the door's strength isn't important, since it gets ignited a page later.

Anyway, moving along... you have some problems with fire. To increase your realism, find some good videos and descriptions of stuff burning. Or take some levels in Pyromania.

The town gate had erupted into a fireball, burning at least a dozen houses around it. Three brown cloaked figures walked in through the burning gate. They walked down the road, drawing curved scimitars.

There's a few steps between something catching on fire and people being able to walk through it. Mainly, it has to collapse first. Fire doesn't make wood instantly vanish, or fireplaces would be worthless.
Oh, and scimitars are curved by definition. You don't need to restate that.

His sight came next, and what he saw watered his eyes. The entire room was ablaze, smoke curling up from the carpet and beneath the bed.

Technically, unless fire makes him very sad, it's the smoke and heat that's watering his eyes. The sight is just very glowy and orange.

He ran to the door, hoping to pull it open. Just before he touched the metal knob, he remembered the heat, and instead hacked the flimsy door down.

NO! NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!!. If you touch the doorknob and it's hot, that's how you tell there is a blazing fire behind that door and if you open it you will pass out from smoke inhilation and burn to death. Breaking the door down is the last thing you'd want to do, since that would let the smoke get in before you had a chance to get out.

He jumped from his bed, grabbing his sword

Keiy drew his swords

I think you can see the problem here.

The strange Psi still held the sword backwards, clumsily aiming and lowering Keiy's endurance.

Lowering isn't a good word; it makes me think of a spell effect. Try adding an adverb (like "quickly lowering") or using another word (like "draining").

“Pathetic huma-” the Psi was cut off, as glass fell away from above his head, and wine poured down his face.
“Lousy things,” the innkeeper said.

Did the inkeeper smash a bottle over the Psi's head? This wasn't quite clear to me. Furthermore, has the innkeeper encountered these before? His statement makes it sound so. He certainly doesn't seem to care about the fire.
... Furtherfurther more, why is Keiy in an inn? I kind of presumed he was, like, in a hospital. To get that narcolepsy looked at.

Keiy bolted out the door, quickly stabbing the Psi to make sure it was dead.

Strange order. Either he turned back to stab the Psi, or bolted out the door after quickly stabbing the Psi.

he fell into unconsciousness from the fist that had just connected with his jaw.

Hitting someone's jaw does not knock them out, as far as I know. And hitting someone in the head to knock them out usually kills them. Don't let movies fool you, knocking someone out with blunt force without killing them is pretty hard to do.

“Those swords don't kill you know. One showed up in my office a week ago.”

I think the problem here is self explanatory.

Oh, my list also has that you typoed "blue" as "blew" and "came" as "cam".

Keiy picked up the nearby lamp, swinging the end of it like a spear.

What kind of lamp is this? A gas or oil lamp couldn't be used as a spear, and I think lamps that hold candles are called something different.

Grabbing Keiy's head, he rammed it through the thin glass window, sending shards spinning in all directions. Keiy kneed the Psi, but it merely smiled at him.
“Idiot. Don't you realize we don't reproduce?” he sneered.

First, it could use some more description, like saying that Keiy's head was rammed backwards through the window or that Keiy kneed the Psi in the groin.
Furthermore, let's make a list of things that don't reproduce:
-Monks
-Emo kids
-Mules
-Ligers/Tigons (usually)
-Nuns
-Robots

Now let's make a list of things that don't get hurt when you knee them really hard in the groin:
-Robots



So, that's everything I can think of. Dang, this is a long post. Keep writing, you'll get better.

(-), you found every little thing wrong didn't you? ...I can't believe I screwed up the continuity.

Now let's make a list of things that don't get hurt when you knee them really hard in the groin:
-Robots

Add Psi as they don't have reproductive organs.

Anyways, aside from the criticism, was the story still good so far?

Originally Posted by ShadeJackrabbit

(-), you found every little thing wrong didn't you?

Hah, sorry if I was overly harsh. It's a habit; I proofread.

Originally Posted by ShadeJackrabbit

Add Psi as they don't have reproductive organs.

It's different than reproducing. If I understand, they do reproduce, it's just vampire style.

Originally Posted by ShadeJackrabbit

Anyways, aside from the criticism, was the story still good so far?

It has potential, but is confusing in places. Something it really needs is more "initializing shots", describing where the character is and how he's doing, so to speak. In movies, these are the shots that pan out over a room before showing what's going on inside.

Originally Posted by Radium

Something it really needs is more "initializing shots", describing where the character is and how he's doing, so to speak. In movies, these are the shots that pan out over a room before showing what's going on inside.

*Snaps fingers* Yeah, I get what you're saying. Tell me, how's this for the beginning of chapter 3:

Keiy awoke back inside the inn, in another of the rooms. He lay on a small bed, mattress gray with age. The innkeeper was sitting next to the left of his bed, and two surviving guards were sitting on the right. The room was smelling smoky, walls charred and burned.

Now, I know something is missing. But I don't really know what I can add without sounding like I'm rambling...

I haven't read your story, but from that tiny snippit I can give you advice.

Firstly, each sentence follows the same formula. Subject verb preposition description. With some minor discrepencies. Reading that for an entire page, let alone book is extremely tiring and hard on the reader. You have a great advantage with your story in that your narrator is established as a person by the first few lines. As such, your language can be very casual in tone. And let's be honest, he's telling a war story, so he'll definitly not have a formal approach to his language anyway. So in this vein, think of writing as if the entire thing is dialogue, since that's basically what it is. A person recanting a story to somebody else, in this case the reader. I can predict that if you get set into this mode, your general use of language will improve.

As Radium stated, initializing shot. To translate that, instead you should open up with a short description of location. You're building a scene, meaning that first you have to establish where and when, then plop characters in there. Generally with prose and depending on your pacing, you can probably spend quite some time illustrating this room. The main problem with this opening is that the description comes at the end. Now this isn't a big deal, but it leaves the reader with an established scene in his or her head because they have to picture the characters somewhere. So your description, although it's the first mention of detail, comes across to the reader as forced onto their mental picture. If description isn't what comes first, they should know why. In this opening, you're able to kind of get away with it, because he's recovering from a state of unconciousness, but by the time the action starts he's fully recovered. I can tell this is kind of an initializing shot, but you're describing objects within the room first, then the room itself. Logically, you should build from the ground up.

On to specific word choices, a lot of that usage of the verb "was". The verb to be just invites passive voice. I can probably guess that you don't have a grasp of passive versus active voice, since not many people do, so I'll break it down real quickly.

Active :
Keiy awoke back inside
He lay on a small bed

Passive :
The innkeeper was sitting
The room was smelling

Can you spot what makes them active or passive? It's the structure of the verbs. Passive voice occurs when you write a sentence as The noun was sitting. You can tighten your writing immediately by re-writing this as The noun sat. Cut the word was when you can, so long as it doesn't compromise the sentence.

The room was smelling -> The room smelled. Minor note, if you use the room smelled, smelled acts like a verb and makes it seem as though the room was doing the action. Instead say The room smelled of smoke.

Funny how 4 sentences can spur so much advice.

Wow. Thanks. I'm working on the next chapter so... it should be better than the others. Hey, I'll probably rewrite most of it once it's done anyways.

Proofreading and revisions are both very important. So...yeah. Rewriting is good.

Chapter 3 is out people! Tell me what you think please.

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