The National Aeronautics and Massive Budget Leaks Administration announced late Friday that they have discovered a new planet only 23 light-years away with remarkably similar gravity, atmosphere, and geography to Diamondus. As spokesman Bobak Ferdowsi explained, “finding new Earth-like planets has gotten pretty trivial—I mean, seven of the darn things around TRAPPIST-1? Give me a break! So we decided to look for planets with some slightly different criteria instead.”
After plugging notable Diamondus characteristics into their Letni-brand supercomputer, such as “a girl’s best friend” and “unbreakable,” NASA scientists were delighted to discover a planet practically next door that seems more than capable of sustaining turtle, rabbit, and bird lifeforms, as well as being a likely source of immunerable precious gemstones, with those gemstones also being the proposed means of recouping the cost of the mission to send a rocket there.
“Although,” Ferdowsi continued, “getting back to Earth again will be a problem, so we’re hopeful to find a Dreempipes analog planet out there next.”
When asked whether this new planet could sustain human life as well, Ferdowsi acknowledged that it probably could, but the human race hadn’t been doing so well for itself lately and maybe it was time to give some other species a chance at planetary dominion for a change.
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Eat your lima beans, Johnny.