Jazz2Online news for April 2017

Permalink Tests cross over to Commander Keen April 23rd 2017

Community alumnus NY00123 has done some quality outreach for Jazz Jackrabbit 2 and ported the concept of ‘test levels’ (if you don’t know what that is join Puke Nuk3m Tests sometime) to that other classic 2D platformer, Commander Keen.

The info and links are all on the PCKF. Give it a try if you fancy testing your jump timings in one of the best DOS platformers ever made!


Permalink The Top Gun Contest April 22nd 2017

Source: JCF thread

Another contest is here, this time run by me. Create a new weapon in Angelscript and win a prize!

Visit the JCF thread for more details, rules, etc.

- cooba No Comments - Post Comment

Permalink Jazz Jackrabbit 2 turns 19 April 9th 2017

Source: The calendar

19 years ago today, the shareware demo of Jazz Jackrabbit 2 was released to the world.

The Jazz 2 Online staff is very happy to see the community is still going, with new downloads, frequent fan made updates to the game, active online competition, and level design contests still happening!

It is absolutely amazing that even after this time, there is a legion of dedicated people who are keeping this game alive – even you, if you’re reading this!

Remember to join the Anniversary Bash on April 14th-17th and celebrate the game’s birthday!


Permalink Jazz 2 still being played in year 2287 April 1st 2017

While wandering dazed outside the fallout shelter that was all that was left of his hometown, J2O reporter camel ShadowGpw discovered that even in the year 2287, long after the collapse of all formal civilization, a group of diehards continues to play matches of the 1998 PC Game of the year, Jazz Jackrabbit 2. He reports that JDC season 300 was apparently “a huge hit” among most of the playerbase, although a few sat out some of the larger events over concerns they were too chaotic. A partially robotized human cyborg of uncertain age known only as Jety is said to have won handily.

“I think Jazz 2 just offers something in its gameplay and design that no other games on the market really offer,” said one fan, “especially because there are no other games on the market in this dystopian nuclear future. It’s great to have a chance to play a cartoony 2D arena shooter when everything around me is death, decay, and roving bands of scavengers.”

Another fan agreed, but voiced hope that the game would get some better network code soon. “Unless that happens,” she added, “I think JJ2 is really dead this time. Sure, okay, maybe people will still be playing it in another twenty years, but a hundred? No chance.”

When asked how Jazz players in the distant future usually recruit new people to the community, the first fan shrugged and said, “mostly we just post links on the Commander Keen forums and people join us from there. It’s still a really hopping place over there for some reason.”


Permalink Spring 2017 anime season to include Jazz-based show April 1st 2017

Next week will see the world premiere of the new anime show Gochūmon wa Jazu Jawabitto Desu ka?, or “Is the Order a Jazz Jackrabbit?” The show is promoted as being part of modern anime’s popular “cute girls killing cute things” genre, and the average body count is expected to be at least three per episode, or as many as six during the Japanese equivalent of sweeps week.

“Anime is really the perfect home for the Jazu Jawabitto series,” explained anime spokesperson and trained camel AlFahl. “Our character design departments can turn out dozens of brightly colored, nearly-identical-looking schoolgirls every day, and that’s a perfect analog to choosing your fur colors before joining an online server. Sure, longtime Jazu fans may have a little trouble believing that bird-eating, double-jumping rabbits are just the same thing as saccharine eleven-year-old girls in pencil-length skirts, but anime is all about imagination. That’s why we’re so determined to do the same things over and over every season until people stop imagining giving us money for them.”

A smartphone game adaptation of the show is also planned, though it will only be available for purchase in Japan, which is still more places than any of the existing Jazz games can be legally bought in. A Hollywood adaptation is also being discussed, though American producers have reportedly demanded that all the rabbits in the movie be white.

Write your own Noogy joke.


Permalink Camel Duels announces plans to train camels April 1st 2017

A reporter for J2O has obtained exclusive plans from the Camel Server Corporation to solidify their image by training real live camels to play JJ2. So far the camels have only shown enough skill to participate in clanwars and JDC events, but their handlers are confident they’ll be ready for more competitive play once they stop eating the teamchat keys.

“Quaker,” a spokesman for Camel who asked to have his identity protected for this interview, explained, “Look, it’s not like they can play the game any worse than Bot1 and Bot2.”

To simultaneously promote this new initiative and also make the camels feel more at home in the game, Camel Duels will soon be switching to an exclusively desert-themed series of maps, starting with Zappo Egypt and working their way forwards.

Puke Nukem also appeared to announce plans to make their servers more closely resemble their names, at which point our reporter left in a hurry.


Permalink NASA discovers new "Diamondus analog" planet April 1st 2017

The National Aeronautics and Massive Budget Leaks Administration announced late Friday that they have discovered a new planet only 23 light-years away with remarkably similar gravity, atmosphere, and geography to Diamondus. As spokesman Bobak Ferdowsi explained, “finding new Earth-like planets has gotten pretty trivial—I mean, seven of the darn things around TRAPPIST-1? Give me a break! So we decided to look for planets with some slightly different criteria instead.”

After plugging notable Diamondus characteristics into their Letni-brand supercomputer, such as “a girl’s best friend” and “unbreakable,” NASA scientists were delighted to discover a planet practically next door that seems more than capable of sustaining turtle, rabbit, and bird lifeforms, as well as being a likely source of immunerable precious gemstones, with those gemstones also being the proposed means of recouping the cost of the mission to send a rocket there.

“Although,” Ferdowsi continued, “getting back to Earth again will be a problem, so we’re hopeful to find a Dreempipes analog planet out there next.”

When asked whether this new planet could sustain human life as well, Ferdowsi acknowledged that it probably could, but the human race hadn’t been doing so well for itself lately and maybe it was time to give some other species a chance at planetary dominion for a change.